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glebel
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27 Sep 2015, 10:14 am

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
An atheist is taking a hike through the woods. He is so overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the forest around that he sits down to rest. Suddenly, a big bear is rushing after the atheist in front. The bear rears up and raises its right front paw to kill the atheist. The atheist yells, "Oh my God!" Everything freezes and the voice of God says, "You've been denying My presense all these years & you have been teaching people to deny My presense as well. So why should I help you?" The atheist says, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask of You to treat me like a Catholic. So why can't You make the bear a Catholic?" God says in reply, "Very well." Everything goes back to normal and the bear withdraws its paw & kneels on the grass and speaks, "Bless me O Lord for I was about to sin."

The version I've heard has the bear say "Thank you God for the meal that you have set before me".


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lostonearth35
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28 Sep 2015, 9:49 am

A Japanese man, a Chinese man, and a Rabbi from North America all wanted to become Samurai masters, so they went to the greatest and wisest Samurai teacher in the land.

He told them their first test would show how skilled they were with their swords. He first tested the Chinese man. Taking out a tiny box, no bigger than a match box, the teacher opened it, and a fly buzzed out. The Chinese fellow took his sword and started slashing away. When he was finally done, the fly fell to the ground, perfectly sliced in half. Now it was the Japanese man's turn. The teacher opened another tiny box and a second fly flew out. The Japanese man swished his sword around, and then the fly dropped to the ground in four perfectly equal pieces. Finally it was the Rabbi's turn. A third fly was released from a tiny box, and the Rabbi gave one mighty swing with his sword, and the fly dropped to the ground.

The teacher went over to the fly, and said, "He is still alive and in one piece. You've failed the test."
"No." said the Rabbi. "Look closer. He has been circumcised."



glebel
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28 Sep 2015, 9:55 am

What's the difference between a terrorist and a theologian?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.


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lostonearth35
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10 Oct 2015, 4:05 pm

A priest gets up one morning and is shocked to see an old, decomposing dead donkey outside his house. He doesn't know who left the donkey there or why or how, all he knows is that he wants to get rid of it. So he calls up different services asking them to please take the dead donkey away, but they all have some excuse not to. So finally the priest calls the mayor. The mayor must have not been been having a good day, because he growls at the priest, "You called me just because you want to get rid of some rotting old @$$? It's your job to bury the dead, so why don't you do it?"
"I'm planning to." the priest replied, "I just thought that first I should notify its next of kin."



LonelyJar
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14 Apr 2016, 2:54 am

So, this thread has been resurrected?
The thread has risen!



Misslizard
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14 Apr 2016, 9:23 am

glebel wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
An atheist is taking a hike through the woods. He is so overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the forest around that he sits down to rest. Suddenly, a big bear is rushing after the atheist in front. The bear rears up and raises its right front paw to kill the atheist. The atheist yells, "Oh my God!" Everything freezes and the voice of God says, "You've been denying My presense all these years & you have been teaching people to deny My presense as well. So why should I help you?" The atheist says, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask of You to treat me like a Catholic. So why can't You make the bear a Catholic?" God says in reply, "Very well." Everything goes back to normal and the bear withdraws its paw & kneels on the grass and speaks, "Bless me O Lord for I was about to sin."

The version I've heard has the bear say "Thank you God for the meal that you have set before me".

The version I heard went like this.
A Babtist preacher was walking thru the woods and suddenly a big bear appeared in the path in front of him.The preacher dropped to his knees and began to pray,"please Lord,let this be a Christian bear." The bear stared at the preacher then dropped to his knees and said,"Thank you Lord for the meal you have set before me."


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AnonymousAnonymous
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14 Apr 2016, 1:59 pm

glebel wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
An atheist is taking a hike through the woods. He is so overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the forest around that he sits down to rest. Suddenly, a big bear is rushing after the atheist in front. The bear rears up and raises its right front paw to kill the atheist. The atheist yells, "Oh my God!" Everything freezes and the voice of God says, "You've been denying My presense all these years & you have been teaching people to deny My presense as well. So why should I help you?" The atheist says, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask of You to treat me like a Catholic. So why can't You make the bear a Catholic?" God says in reply, "Very well." Everything goes back to normal and the bear withdraws its paw & kneels on the grass and speaks, "Bless me O Lord for I was about to sin."

The version I've heard has the bear say "Thank you God for the meal that you have set before me".


Were you making a reference to the scene in The Revenant where DiCaprio is assaulted by a bear? :lol:

{Yes, I know there's nothing funny about people being attacked by animals in real life.}


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naturalplastic
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14 Apr 2016, 2:45 pm

Q: What was Buddha's favorite pizza topping?

A: One with everything.



Q:How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A:Two. One to change it. And one to not change it.



BaalChatzaf
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15 Apr 2016, 8:42 am

glebel wrote:
What's the difference between a terrorist and a theologian?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.


Hear, hear!! !!


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naturalplastic
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15 Apr 2016, 9:40 am

Misslizard wrote:
glebel wrote:
AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
An atheist is taking a hike through the woods. He is so overwhelmed by the awesomeness of the forest around that he sits down to rest. Suddenly, a big bear is rushing after the atheist in front. The bear rears up and raises its right front paw to kill the atheist. The atheist yells, "Oh my God!" Everything freezes and the voice of God says, "You've been denying My presense all these years & you have been teaching people to deny My presense as well. So why should I help you?" The atheist says, "It would be hypocritical of me to ask of You to treat me like a Catholic. So why can't You make the bear a Catholic?" God says in reply, "Very well." Everything goes back to normal and the bear withdraws its paw & kneels on the grass and speaks, "Bless me O Lord for I was about to sin."

The version I've heard has the bear say "Thank you God for the meal that you have set before me".

The version I heard went like this.
A Babtist preacher was walking thru the woods and suddenly a big bear appeared in the path in front of him.The preacher dropped to his knees and began to pray,"please Lord,let this be a Christian bear." The bear stared at the preacher then dropped to his knees and said,"Thank you Lord for the meal you have set before me."


Yes- Ive heard several variations on the bear saying "shaddup! I am saying grace", or saying "thank you God for this meal you have set before me", and like that. Never the bear asking for forgiveness for himself sinning.



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15 Apr 2016, 2:49 pm

I heard that Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Apparently they have a problem with strangers just randomly showing up at their door. :twisted: