Gary Numan and AS and self-diagnosis & denial

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http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/ar ... rs_1060637

OK, Gary Numan is convinced he has AS, which is cool. But this article is so brief, and it only mentions symptoms that could pertain to people with social anxiety but not AS.

I think most people that now have heard about AS, who aren't Aspies and don't know anyone who is AS, think it's a form of social anxiety.

I've been diagnosed years ago with social anxiety & fit the criteria. I've mentioned on here that I've been to about 9 doctors, 4 of whom are AS and autism experts, and haven't been able to get diagnosed with AS or any kind of autism. Sometimes I feel like I fit the AS criteria and sometimes I don't.

For some reason i had a bad introduction to AS, being directed to a nasty forum where wives of supposedly AS men (many of whom were probably ASSes, but not AS) told about how horrible it was to have a spouse or partner with AS. All the cool Aspies I've heard about and even met since then, but I still can't get this awful picture out of my mind.

For some reason I've always thought I have something that I think it's somehow negative to have, somehting that causes problems with relationships, and if I read about it I think I have it even if I don't fit the criteria, and then it does cause me to be more afraid and think that people won't like me. If I read about borderline personality dsiorder, I think I have that. If I read about NPD I think I have that. When I was a teenager & read about schizophrenia, I was afraid I might either have it or develop it. None of ths has happened and I've never been diagnosed with any of these things.

The same thing has happened with AS, even though it's not really negative. But the problems with making friends seem to be. I keep being afraid that someone will tell me I must be AS, someone who doesn't really know that much about it and think's it's social phobia only. I keep trying to convince myself that I have sensory issues or stims (I do have one stim!) and that I'm clumsier than I really am even though there are other physical reasons for any clumsiness I do have (Like a hip problem that was never corrected and also being someone who sits on my big fat ass too much.)

Anyway, I keep trying to be diagnosed with AS and feeling like if I don't I'm in denial. And even if I do have AS, I doubt I'd ever be diagnosed because my parents are dead and there's no one around who remembers me as a kid except for one person, and a couple of the AS-like traits she mentioned she thought I might have had when I asked her, actually had other explanations (Like my room still having childish wallpaper until I was 14--I asked and asked to have it changed for years, but my parents didn't feel they could afford it--we didn't really have much money. But this person saw it and thought I wanted it left that way because I was afraid of change.)

Anyway, I'd like to get some kind of therapy now because not only do I have SA/SP, but also OCD in the form about worrying about AS. But I'm afraid 1. A new therapist will insist I have AS and I must admit it or 2. They will insist I completely forget about whether or not I have AS and never try to find out.

Though 2 is actually what I want to have happen!

I almost wish I'd never heard about AS, because it's never been a happy or aha! kind of thing for me, just an "I don't know and wish I did!" thing.

Would I be in denial to get therapy for OCD and SA/SP? What if someone did accuse me of having AS and being in denial? Was anyoen else in denial for a long time before getting diagnosed? Do I have to feel I have AS if I don't really meet all the criteria but have social anxiety?

I also forgot to mention that there are things that I haven't done since I've heard about AS--I stopped getting help for social anxiety, but there are other things, I've practically put my life on hold except for having a job. Even if I do have AS I shouldn't be doing this. Many people with AS accomplish a lot. But now everything I do, every time I get tired or feel like I don't want to do something, I wonder if it's due to AS or just normal tiredness/laziness. If I'm not interested in something I wonder if it's some kind of AS disinterest in certain things or just an opinion or a like or dislike that anyoen could have, AS or NT.

Everything I do, practicallly, I wonder if it's either due eto AS or means I have AS, and if I got diagnosed would it be easier to avoid things or whatever, or give a reason why I don't do much. (probably not, since like I said above many Aspies do a lot.)

Have a look at definitions of PDD NOS . You don't have to tick all the AS boxes to be on the spectrum...

Hey Norah

I recently discovered AS, and whilst in some ways some of the things don't apply to me (I don't have one all absorbing interest (unless you count computers), I have quite a few, that if given the chance will tackle with infinite focus, however I am also a perfectionist and get frustrated if it doesn't work out how I wanted it to).

At first, I didn't think I was socially anxious at all, and in some ways i'm not. But i've realised feelings I used to have but could never put a finger on, now make sense.

I'm still uncertain as to whether I have AS or not as i am quite functioning, but in being very highly functioning, life isn't very comfortable for me. Still, i'm not certain about AS, but questions in the various tests (Aspie Quiz, Rdos, DSM IV, Gillberg's) really struck a chord in me. Not the more general things like, do social situations make you uncomfortable, but things like:
- Do you find yourself concentrating on ceiling fans (I did this all through school and through my adult Life, I like being able to concentrate enough to be able to see the individual blades spinning and follow them around their course).
- Do you walk in patterns (when on tiled or paved floors I always walk in a particular pattern so my feet fit on the tiles or a particular part of my foot always lands on a particular part of the tile. On cement paths and such I usually try and get my foot to land on the crack between each section, or let the tip of my toes touch the very edge of the crack.
- Are you easily distracted? (I am so easily distracted it has been a problem throughout my schooling and throughout my relationships. Some girlfriends get upset at my "aloofness", or say that I wouldn't be fit to raise a child because i get distracted so easily.
- Do you look at yourself in any reflective surface you can find compulsively, like windows, faucets, chrome bumpers, metal frames etc.

Some of the things really, really hit home for me. However, I understand how confusing self-diagnosis combined with self-doubt can be. You don't know where to draw the line of who you are and who you are making yourself to be because of what you've read.

I don't really know what advice to give to you, except that maybe your perspective or attitude needs to be changed before you accept a diagnosis or non-diagnosis. You need to stop fearing what it might be and try and get answers to the way you have always been. Don't go to a doctor thinking about AS. Think about the things that worry you, that made you seek and find AS, and explain how you have felt your whole life. Be true to yourself with the doctor, as lying won't get you anywhere.

Finding yourself, regardless of the diagnosis, can only be a good thing, I feel.

First, If you do go see a therapist I think you should tell them exactly what you wrote here, or even print it out and bring it in so you don't forget anything. A good therapist would surely consider any reservations you have about whether or not you have aspergers, especially if you can provide good detailed reasons for why you believe you do or don't have AS.

I am self-diagnosed, as of 2 months ago. I am, however, seeking a professional diagnosis but am having difficulty locating a specialist who is covered by Ontario's public health program, or isn't miles away, or on vacation. For me, when i learned about AS it seemed to just click perfectly. There's basically no doubt in my mind that it describes me almost perfectly; reading the symptoms is as though someone has been living in my brain for my entire life and has documented everything perfectly. So, If you have doubts then maybe you aren't AS.

From my perspective, awareness of AS has been like a huge relief. It seems like things finally make sense. I've always struggled with anxiety and depression but find it less common and easier to deal with now that i know part of the reason behind it.

It definitely sounds like you've had a lot of hardship in your life, your parents dying and not having enough money even for new wall paper for 14 years sounds like you're coping with more than most people without AS can handle. So, you need to get the negative opinion of AS out of your head because it sounds like you're trying to blame your syndrome for problems that are totally beyond your control. I could probably list details of my life that would approximate similar hardships, but dwelling on these things is not very beneficial. Life is hard for a lot of people, not to belittle your problems, but you must accept the things you can't change and struggle to change what you can.

Yes, at times I do deny I have AS but generally I accept it pretty well. This may be because of the fact that I am self-diagnosed, so its something I've arrived at on my own time and I don't associate it with intrusive doctors (I do however associate the ADD diagnosis with intrusive doctors and being tested like a guinea pig) so i can understand your issues with it.

Don't assume all AS are highly successful, each case is different. Someone with AS will very likely have great difficulties if they don't seek help in areas where they need it. I suggest taking a step back and examining your life. If you think some social skills assistance or vocational training would help you then I really suggest you look into that. It seems to me that AS can be both an imparement as well as a benefit. If you do have it, the more you know about it, the more you know about yourself, and the more you know about yourself the more you know your abilities and limits and can work to improve your life, potentially achieving great success using the AS to your advantage (like a Gary Numan type). Because the ones you see who are highly successful probably have taken advantage of methods they've developed for coping, either with the help of a therapist or by deep self-understanding (perhaps like Gary Numan).

I'm not a therapist, but if you meet with one I suspect they will give you a lot of hope to improve your life. However, I know it may be difficult to trust and express your concerns to someone like a therapist, especially if you have past difficulties with them but you have shown that you have a good ability to understand yourself and describe your concerns in this post so as long as you make every concern clear to them then they should help you a great deal.

It's especially difficult speaking to someone like this when you have AS, so I suggest you carry a little note pad around with you and write down anything you would think improtant to tell a therapist so you can reference it, if needed, when you see one. Remember, be honest with yourself, don't try to look for AS, SA or NPD when it might not be there. They might be, but you can only be sure when you know EVERYTHING about a disorder and are able to match yourself to it perfectly. Of course, its not completely impossible to have another syndrome altogether, or even an undocumented syndrome. Imagine how the first people to be diagnosed with AS must've felt.

Before I heard of AS i often felt that I might have a variety of other syndromes I'd read about but always found they just fell shy of explaining myself. Or perhaps I wasn't like anyone at all. I now know there are others like me and the difficulties I have can be overcome. Always remember that, there are always people like you out there willing to help you and there is always a way to improve your life.

One last thing, just for your own piece of mind I think it would be good for you to research AS as much as you can. Ask yourself questions and search for answers, watch youtube clips of people talking about their AS (there are some good ones), read up about it, stay involved with positive forums like wrongplanet and keep posting on here with any questions or comments like you've already done. By doing this you can not only help yourself, but help others in ways you aren't even aware of.

while i was writing my reply to your initial message, some other great responses were written. I especially agree with tbam and think we covered some similar things.

I've never heard of PDD NOS before, but after checking it out Zarathustra might be right about that.

Hi Norah,

I've read many of your previous posts on this board, as well as this one. My honest opinion (and please don't take this the wrong way!) is that you worry too much about others thinking you have AS. Most people don't even know what AS is, and if they do, they don't really know all that much about it. I highly doubt that someone who knows you would suggest that you have AS out of the blue, unless they have a close friend or family member with it or work in the psychological/educational field. (Though even that is far from a guarantee. My mom's a social worker, and AS didn't occur to her for 17 years.) AS is also commonly associated with children, making it particularly unlikely that someone would think you have AS. If that ever does happen, though, that might be a good indication that you do have it. I wouldn't worry about it so much. Do you care about this because of what others might think, or because you want to understand yourself better? There are good reasons and superficial reasons for wanting to know.

I can understand how you feel, because I've had a lot of doubts myself, even though I've been diagnosed by a specialist. This week my therapist asked me if I would rather think of myself as having AS. I said yes, and there are many reasons why. Basically, I feel as though my life doesn't really make sense and feels just painful and embarrassing if I don't have it. How do you feel about it? Do you think as though AS is the only, or the most likely, explanation for the problems you have experienced in your life? How well do your problems match up with AS, and what alternative explanations are there?

I don't think it's bad for you to be "in denial" about AS. In fact, since four autism experts have said you don't have it, I think it's actually quite reasonable to doubt that you do. I do think it does sound like you could use a good therapist to talk to about your problems. Don't worry so much about what he/she will say about AS. It's just important that you feel better about your life and yourself, regardless of which diagnosis is appropriate. Good luck!