I'm not sure if I like my friend much more...

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I have another friend who is an Aspie and I've been his friend for nearly 3 years. Although we do have similar interests, some of his Aspie traits are starting to annoy me:

> He is very self-opinionated, and thinks that only his views are right, and that he is better than everyone else.
> He is often analytical about people, and often points out analyses of them, regardless of whether they are appropriate or not.
> He is a very inflexible person, and doesn't really tolerate the views of others.
> He has deluded views and senses, and still thinks he is right.
> He always tries to make his views heard, regardless of what the actual social rules are.

Because of his inflexibility, he hasn't changed his behaviour over the past few years to make it better. At college, he doesn't want help from Social Communications and Interactions Difficulties (or basically S.C.I.D.) lessons, although I think he actually needs it. He once told me that they depressed him; perhaps that's because of the subject of other people.

However, we do get on well a fair amount of the time and I like playing video games with him, but it's just that he has his moments like the ones listed above. He's often said things to me before, such as that I need to broaden my horizons or get out more, despite the fact that he hasn't done either of those himself. The fact that he says these sorts of things gives me the impression that he is arrogant and self-minded. Although this may be a part of AS, not even I think the way he does (my AS is far more high-functioning and less severe)

I'm not sure if I should still be friends with him, so what do you think I should do? I've decided to rule out reasoning with him about his behaviour, because he doesn't accept other people's views.

inflexible, analytical, innapropriate..... yep, looks like an aspie. Wanna try to cure him ?

I recently have had to take a break from hanging out with one of my aspie friends due to annoyance. Hopefully a week or two away from him will clear the built-up annoyance and allow me to continue the friendship at a later date. Although I'm the more low-functioning of the two of us, I believe my situation is similar to yours. I anticipate that this will be a successful fix for our relationship. I'll let you know how it works when I go back to spending time with him.

So, as a sense of comparison, what was your situation like, NarfMann?

We had a recent phonecall about his A-Level results, and he said they didn't go too well. However, he started talking about how I should spend as much time as possible doing nothing but working and eating, and when I opposed his views, he just carried on. When I said that "I'll just make regular check-ups with the teachers to make sure I get the best grade possible," he just arrogantly said, "You don't understand." That annoyed me and I suddenly hung up on him.

I've decided to stop having so much to do with him altogether, as I'm tired of what he's said to me before. I'm sure nobody likes being told, "You're weird," "You need to broaden your horizons," "You need to get out more" or even "I think you're dull", especially when they know it's coming from a close friend. I'm tired of having to accept Asperger's as an excuse for his inappropriate behaviour, and I don't want to socialise with this socially inept a***hole any longer.

Full stop.

I've had similar issues with several AS friends. I'm not really sure what the best thing to do is though. I mean when someone is self centered, opinionated and inflexible it is the part of being an Aspie so maybe they can't help it, but still does that mean we should have to deal with it just because we also have AS. I mean are we really suppose to ignore it when they are rude or unbearable to be around just because we have the same developmental disorder?

I think maybe not because NT's sometimes speak of "outgrowing their friends". I take it to mean when one person matures or grows spiritually while their friend remains stuck in a rut and never changes.

One AS friend says the same things over and over, same stories sometimes several times in one evening. Also speaks how Aspies should better themselves and learn to excel yet same person hides at home and doesn't work. ????

Another AS friend constantly fights with co-workers and has no hobbies what so ever other than watching children's movies and gossiping about others. She calls me only to b***h about others. Or she calls to ask me my advice on stupid stuff like what day of the week should she get her hair cut on? Or asks what should she do about certain medical symptoms she is having. I waste my time advising her as she never takes my advice and does the exact opposite. So I ask why does she even ask for my advice? She leaves bizarre voicemails on my cellphone like "hey, hey". Yes that was the only thing in message. Other times she blows into the phone and says "hey you there?" She will call 5 times in a row on each of my phones and its only because she wants to tell me how much she hates someone.

How do you deal with these kinds of AS friends? I don't know the answer. I feel like a bad person ignoring other AS friends. But how do you deal with them if you are so different or maybe its lower functioning than yourself??

The problem I'm having with my friend is that he's a complainer, which is fine most of the time, but every once in a while, especially when I'm nearing meltdown mode, I get frustrated because he doesn't want to fix any of his problems. He complains and I give him a possible solution to his problems, then he tells me that it won't work, so I offer another possible solution, then he gets angry with me for telling him what to do or for insulting him, which is not my intent. Even this would be alright, except for the fact that when I try to explain what I meant people generally don't believe me and think I'm just lying to perform some sort of 'damage control.' I guess I expect my aspie friend to understand that communication is not my strong suit, but he doesn't seem to believe it. So my problem is not a direct parallel, but the solution that I've decided on attempting should theoretically work as well for you as it does for me.

Then again, this solution comes from an attempt to tamper with emotions using logic, which rarely works out well. I guess if it doesn't work I'll just have to make my list of friends even shorter than it already is.

Sometimes I have to take a break from some friends for a while, or just spend less time with them. You became friends with this person for a reason. I personally wouldn't completely abandon him.

That's a tough call.

I tend to be a little overly tolerant of destructive behavior like this because most of the time other people don't give me my fair chance. Unfortunately, this leads to making myself into a throw rug on which people walk all over.

I guess the important difference would be to determine if the behavior is meant maliciously or not. It's taken a bit of practice, and sometimes I still don't figure it out until I've been walked across once or twice, but I can now get a sense of the difference between those who are just naturally opinionated and pushy and those who are trying to bowl me over for the sake of their juvenile social games. I find that in retrospect that there were many times I have been pushy, or opinionated, but I take some comfort in the fact that I never meant it in a way that would intentionally hurt somebody.

I have recently come to realize I was a bit wrong about somebody (a co-worker "friend"). It hurts. It's tough enough to learn to socialize (especially w/NTs), let alone jump into something that turns out to be destructive in nature. It's a valuable social lesson that I'm adding to my mental database of social signs to watch out for. I'm sure that over time you'll build up a database of signs to watch out for too.

Also, take the advice of "taking a break". Sometimes just pulling back a bit gives you time to reflect on things from a different perspective, and also allows you time out from the things that are increasingly irritating you.

Hope this helps!

My current thinking is that the heard instinct and compassion are two separate variables, probably both genetic.

I prefer to think that Asperger's is specifically about a lack of herd instinct. The people around here seem to have some compassion. Maybe that's because this is a self-selected group, and the ones who lack compassion don't bother with a place like this.

I think that was my fathers problem -- he had neither the herd instinct nor compassion. He was arrogant and sadistic. He functioned well enough at his job, but I have no idea why anyone could stand him. Socially, he couldn't function at all unless he was either completely in charge or it was a rigid activity with clear rules.

(Cruel = indifferent. A wolf killing a rabbit for food.
Sadistic = specifically enjoys causing pain, regardless of practical benefit.)

Intellectual isolation. I keep coming back to that. The recipe for a monster. Maybe a budding young unibomber or something. Do any of these "friends" have enough brains to be dangerous?

My situation has been resolved.