Speak up if you're happy in your relationship

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juliekitty
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18 Oct 2008, 3:53 am

Tim_Tex wrote:
I do that, yet I get criticized extensively for it.


Fair comment. Yet, I'd argue that your criteria are somewhat random, constantly shifting, and don't reflect carefully thought-out priorities.

For example, if I remember correctly, one of your criteria was large breasts. If you meet a woman who's perfect for you in every other way, and has small breasts, and you reject her on that basis, you've pretty much authored your own loneliness, I'd say.



juliekitty
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18 Oct 2008, 3:57 am

gbollard wrote:
She was perfect, so why bother looking.


Well, if settling for perfection constitutes not being selective, you've won your argument. ;)

gbollard wrote:
Nothing works if you don't maintain it.


Agreed. I don't consider our compatibility to be a license to act like a goof, and neither does my husband.

Again, that doesn't mean I'm perfect. But when I screw up, I apologize and do my best to make it right. So does he.

And when I say "screw up", I'm talking relatively minor stuff on both sides. Both of us have strong enough ethics not to indulge in the sort of betrayals you'd read about in advice columns. (I'd argue that kind of ethical foundation is a key characteristic to hold out for.)

Working to make each other happy has always got to be part of it; and awareness of that fact is another criterion to be selective for in a mate.



LePetitPrince
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18 Oct 2008, 6:15 am

Quote:
(1) finding the right person FOR YOU;


That's just a romantic idea....

Quote:
(2) accepting their imperfections the same way you'd like them to accept yours;


That requires a lot of maturity and wisdom that most people in their mid 20s don't have.

Most single people here are in 20s and mid 20s , you cannot compare your situation with theirs and you cannot impose your wisdom on them.

A 20 yo girl would be more frequently asked by single guys and she'll keep rejecting till she she's out by the guy with least imperfections while the 'lucky' guy would have the least idea about her imperfections and so she does since most guy mask their imperfections in first dates...

A young guy/girl in relationship would always have access to other alternatives and when they find an alternative with less imperfections then they would just break up and go for the other one. Most young people seek for perfection in their partners and not for acceptance.



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and (3) -- what I'm hammering at here -- not WASTING YOUR TIME on anybody who ISN'T the right person.


While it's a good advice , it's just not always practical. One might need time to realize that this person isn't the "right person", most people don't reveal everything about themselves during the first dates and even during the first years of marriage , so there's always a risk of time's waste.



JohnHopkins
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18 Oct 2008, 11:01 am

I am unbelievably happy in this relationship.



veruniel
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18 Oct 2008, 11:22 am

CanyonWind wrote:
I'm entirely happy with my relationship.

She's a wonderful dog. I've had her since she was a puppy.

:lol: That was beautiful!

I'm more or less happy in both my relationships, but I don't think I'd be happy with either one if I didn't have the other.

One is with an Aspie who has depression and a very low libido, as well as multiple relationship issues and a fear of emotional closeness. I've accepted that when I'm around him, physical contact is going to be rare. But I love him. I love the physical aspects when they do happen, and I love the conversations and the shared interests.

The other is a bloke who's very demonstrative, but very different from me, both personalitywise and regarding a lot of our interests. He's a new boyfriend and I wouldn't say I love him yet, but I do really like him.



makuranososhi
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18 Oct 2008, 1:09 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:
Quote:
(1) finding the right person FOR YOU;


That's just a romantic idea....


...in your opinion. There are people who are right fits, and those who are wrong for someone... it is worth finding the right connection instead of settling.

Quote:
Quote:
(2) accepting their imperfections the same way you'd like them to accept yours;


That requires a lot of maturity and wisdom that most people in their mid 20s don't have.

Most single people here are in 20s and mid 20s , you cannot compare your situation with theirs and you cannot impose your wisdom on them.

A 20 yo girl would be more frequently asked by single guys and she'll keep rejecting till she she's out by the guy with least imperfections while the 'lucky' guy would have the least idea about her imperfections and so she does since most guy mask their imperfections in first dates...

A young guy/girl in relationship would always have access to other alternatives and when they find an alternative with less imperfections then they would just break up and go for the other one. Most young people seek for perfection in their partners and not for acceptance.


Perfection over acceptance is an astute observation, but I would remove the age criteria from your first statement here - these are qualities that are missing in many people, regardless of age. This, however... ties into the third statement:

Quote:
Quote:
and (3) -- what I'm hammering at here -- not WASTING YOUR TIME on anybody who ISN'T the right person.


While it's a good advice , it's just not always practical. One might need time to realize that this person isn't the "right person", most people don't reveal everything about themselves during the first dates and even during the first years of marriage , so there's always a risk of time's waste.


Wasting one's time isn't a good thing, but it takes experience (or innate wisdom, a truly rare thing) to learn what is right and what is wrong. One must expose themselves in order to learn themselves and their desires, in my opinion.


M.


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makuranososhi
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18 Oct 2008, 1:24 pm

juliekitty wrote:
I consider myself living proof that an aspie can be happy in love.

I think we just need to hold out for the right person.

It takes time and patience, but if you know who you are and what you want, you can find it if you look hard enough.

You just need to define who you are looking for - and because you are aspie, you can.

But holding out is key -- don't waste your time on someone unsuitable, just to get sex.

Comments welcome!


Very much in love... don't know about "holding out", as I am a proponent of experience being key to understanding one's self in a relationship, but I do agree with the time and patience statement - it takes time, effort... it takes learning and knowing yourself well enough to make decisions instead of following whims. It took eight years for us both to figure out what we wanted and admit it to ourselves and each other, but it is well worth it... we're both incredibly happy.


M.


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techstepgenr8tion
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18 Oct 2008, 1:25 pm

juliekitty wrote:
Working on your issues is important, but you don't need to become perfect in order to deserve love. Nobody is perfect, and that includes the right person for you. The keys are (1) finding the right person FOR YOU; (2) accepting their imperfections the same way you'd like them to accept yours; and (3) -- what I'm hammering at here -- not WASTING YOUR TIME on anybody who ISN'T the right person.

In other words, to hell with the cuties. What else have they got? And if they don't have it, move on, no matter how cute they are. The time you spend with them is time you can't spend looking for the right one.

This isn't easy advice to follow. I suffered years of loneliness that I could have spent with someone else, just in order to be with someone else. But I chose not to take the easy prizes, because I knew all the previous contenders weren't the real thing.


Good points. It seems like the tricky part of it, especially in your 20's, is sorting all that out in terms of what the right type is. Magnus had some really good points on something that's just inherent biological basis, finding someone that's right for you just in the sense of inherently being on the same page. What I find myself negotiating still is just how spot-on it needs to be; 90%, 80%, 70%, I've met a lot of girls who I wouldn't have thought of on first sight but in talking to them after a while we did click and while it wasn't real apparent on the immediate surface there were dynamics worth trading - I would have had things to offer them that they saw enough value in, they had things to intellectually and emotionally offer me which were of enough worth that had they been in situations of availability things could have happened. While I would love to find someone who's spot-on its still a bit of a gamble even there; it could be a good thing or even a really bad thing based on what ways were a like, whether or not they have certain internal governances, and myself being naturally being emotionally hot-wired if they've come up with ways to cope with that themselves (and while it would feel almost euphoric during the good times, I'd hope that both myself are as analytical, self-restrained, and willfully constructive in dealing with the bad) - that part isn't guaranteed.

I definitely agree that for the long term you need someone who you have easy compatibility with and I'm thinking as I and people my age progress into their 30's, more of the social act and defensiveness peels back and its probably easier to get real. That and while the games are still necessary on a smaller level for attraction its not as thick, not as absolute, not the situation where a guy or girl has to be flawlessly smooth in approach to break the initial ice. People who are of my neurotype are still so used to being under fire, needing their defenses up, that through my early and mid 20's I noticed that they still couldn't take them down even if they wanted to; that's another thing that I'm really hypothesizing gets better with age and I have heard that neuro-atypicals find each other later in life (probably because of that dynamic).



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18 Oct 2008, 5:04 pm

I'm living proof as well.

I met my soul mate on Wrongplanet. We're very very very happy together.

I'm happy to hear you're happy too.

:) :) :)


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Fiz
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28 Nov 2008, 7:32 pm

I am definitely happy in my relationship. We have been together now for over two years and have been living together for the past three months. :D


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