How does one get a girlfriend?

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Well, you really have a limited number of choices here.

1. Be true to yourself, and hope that someday a woman will fall for you the moment she walks through your door. This is like hoping that a fish will jump from the river into your frying pan.

2. Put on an act (women call it "Glamour") appropriate for the type pf woman you want to attract, and go out to where such women are gathered. This is like buying a fishing boat to go trawling for the day's catch.

A life's lesson: In order to reach your stated goals, you have to give up some comfort.

I know the idea is daunting, but two attempts is not enough to really get your bearings, much less gain real experience. Think to the number of light bulbs that were duds before one finally worked - it takes a large sample and a lot of hitting one's head. Being nervous isn't even completely a bad thing; I have found that it helps to try and laugh about it with the other person to put them at ease, and make them aware that it isn't something connected to them but a general state. Yes - some people will be put off by that fact off the bat... but I can't change that, so just have to move on.

OKCupid is a site populated with people aged 18-36, generally very laid back and informal. There are many tests and other diversions to help create conversation. It's not a bad starting place, really - I've made several friends through it, and kept in contact with others... although the humour has been seeing an ex or two pop up over the years.

Regarding Fnord's advice: remember, it is just one perspective... as is any advice you receive. What matters is what you do with it. I tend to lean towards a hybrid of the ideas: being one's self without improvement or attention is generally not effective, but creating a false persona to attract a partner/mate isn't either. Working on yourself is essential, but then you must decide whether you want to spent your energy to bring up your lowest skills (forming a minimum, base-level) or invest in turning existing strengths into adaptations and compensate in that manner. Most often, I see others trying to improve in areas they have little control over, and lack the 'strength' to facilitate any real change because of the difficulties they are encountering. While I still work on those weaknesses, I also push myself hard to make my strengths (analysis, patterns, sequencing) work on my behalf so my weaknesses don't leave me succumbing to their weight. Improving yourself, as Fnord said, isn't comfortable - but it is worthwhile. Just examine how you are going to approach it first, otherwise you may spin your wheels working at another's command.


M.

You answer questions about what you want in a partner, and you're matched up with the people who are looking for the qualities you have as well. For example, if you say you need someone to be direct, you simply won't be matched up with those who aren't.

Your examples don't back up your original statement. yes, I too know women (and men) who stay with partners who are psychologically unsound. So why do they stay? What did they see in the first place? I think the attraction must be physical in these cases, because it sure as hell isn't emotional or spiritual! I've listened to female friends tell me variations on the theme of how rotten their partner treats them, then they add something like "all my friends envy me because he's sooooooooooo good looking, they don't know the truth of how awful he really is".


With both male and female 'jerks', they are never forced to challenge themselves because they have a steady stream of admirers based mainly on their image. I'm meaning appearance in the broad sense - how you move, the car you drive, where you hang out as well as looks.

I agree about not worrying about 'stupid lil flaws'. The problem is believing you are rejected due to some huge character failing when it's probably just the wrong coloured socks or car. Seriously I've heard people say they could never 'consider' someone because of things such as this. Forget it and move on to someone less shallow, leave them to become the plaything of some good looking sociopath brimming with confidence and superficial charm

While considering on-line dating for the first time, I was surprised at how many women in their 40's (my age group) are listing physical attributes as important criteria .(eg 'tall' is very common, as are weight and 'must be good looking'). I'd thought that as one got older, you realised "all that glitters isn't gold". Maybe this is a skewed sample as if these women are *that* good looking themselves, then why are they resorting to online dating? Unrealistic expectations perhaps? Either way, it is evidence that for at least some, physical appearance is of PARAMOUNT importance.

You're joking! No, I wouldn't recommend that at all. Ugh, the women here are the pits: brain-dead violence-fetishist conformist slags, with rigid gender-role expectations (except they can act as macho and boorish as they want). Avoid.

That's better than not even getting your foot in the door in the first place. They all look at me as if I were some sort of monster. That's one of the reasons I now only leave the house to go to work, or do grocery shopping, and why I refuse to show any photos of myself anymore.

But comfort IS my goal!! ! I thrive on comfort.


And also explains the phrase: "Plenty of fish in the sea.....".

Last edited by ManErg on 13 Oct 2008, 10:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Do you have to give up your identity as well?

That seems to be included in his statement.

It is implicit in the statement.

Look at it this way; your current method of "being yourself" is not working. You may either continue to operate in this ineffective mode, or re-invent yourself and try something else.

It's all up to you.

Not really. One cannot choose to be nevrotypica. If I could, I would be so any second!

Heh. I used to think so until I took acting lessons. Once I learned to act like an NT, I had the best of both worlds - the Asper ability to focus on the essentials, and the NT ability to make friends (but without all the emotional baggage).

Give it a try. What is there to lose?

From what I have read about relationships, when a girl turns you down every time you ask her out, it means she isn't interested in you. Ask a girl out three times and if she said no every time, don't ask her out again. That was something Jerry Newport wrote in his book. Of course he had to be told this from a guy when he was in college. He scared a girl away in his math class because he wouldn't stop calling her, asking her out, etc.


Yes you can ask a girl out if you want a girlfriend. You don't become bf and gf when you first meet. You two have to start out as friends first, get to know each other and if you enjoy each other and if things are working out, try the relationship. My mother had to tell me this when I was 17. I was 17 when I asked this guy if he wants to be my girlfriend and he said he was too old for me and I kept asking him to be mine and I said we were only nine months apart so our ages touch. Of course my mother laughed when she heard the story from my teacher and told me how to really get a boyfriend.


I don't know if NTs figure this out themselves or they also have to be told. There are books out there about relationships, and there has been advice about relationships in Teen and Seventeen magazines so it makes me wonder if they figure it out themselves or they also have to be told about it too how to do it. Friends tell them or their parents, brothers or sisters, relatives.


I have no clue how you should represent yourself. What do you say when you meet a woman? I just introduce myself and tell them I am looking for men to meet. If they don't reply back, assume they aren't interested.
But now I don't have to worry about that anymore. I always waited for men to come to me because it was better that way than approaching them first on a dating site. Most of them had something wrong with them too.

Does this book also tale up how to win a GIRLFRIEND? Friend and girlfriend are two quite different things.

apparently the new way to get a girlfriend is to buy a dog and meet her on a dog walk in the park. In hollywood there is supposed to be parks dedicated just for that!

I think its a good idea as dogs are very loving so at least you get the friendship of the dog.

the trouble with dating sites is that you have to be good at sending messages. I so suck at emails and conversation in general so do very badly with this and cant maintain any correspondence for long

I think I will next try joining a club of one of my interests as at least that way I will get to bore like minded people. and if I do meet a nice guy we will have something to talk about.

Dating is very hard

And yet... when we talk to a generation or two earlier, there are stories rife with pursuits and repeated attempts; these are now missing from our own. There is all this talk of rules and approaches, when the only constant is every person and situation is different - there are generalities at best, which are often ill-fitting.

I disagree with Fnord's suggestion, though I see the logic in what he says. Being yourself is essential; the most important aspect being the best version of yourself possible. Find your strengths, accentuate them, adapt your weaknessed, admit your faults and keep laughing.


M.