I believe my brain doesn't generate the correct emotion.
Sometimes I'm seriously offended and I'm like it's okay at that moment and then when everything was over and I went through that matter in my memory, I got really angry, but it's too late because I already lost everything.
Sometimes problems are so small but I keep focusing on them and I can become really angry. When I went through my memory, I couldn't understand how that huge amount of anger came out of the so tiny matter.
When I was very young, my sister died, and I was laughing happily with my brother seeing everyone else is crying.
I clearly remember when I was a student in elementary school, one day my mom praised me for my excellent school work and then I got really upset and I used to hammer to strike the wall in my bedroom resulting in her beating me so hard. My parents don't believe mind illness is real. And they believe that the cure to crazyness is for one to believe that he is not crazy. It sounds just like if your house is on fire, then you don't believe your house is on fire, then your house really isn't on fire. I don't know they are right or wrong. I mean what if it's because you think your house is on fire that causing you to panic? What if the fire is not there at all and you are just seeing illusions or imagining it in your mind? It's a possibility, isn't it?
Now I'm a grown-up. So many time I can't figure out why I don't feel the same emotion to what's being generated in other people's brains. Every time I make decisions, I must completely wipe out emotional factors because whatever decision my emotion is telling me to do is wrong. And sometimes it's way too hard to disobey emotions that even I know what logics is telling me to do, yet I'm still stuck in the track of emotions. I have a fight in my mind every day because logics and emotions seems always suggesting the opposite decision-making. I can't stay with myself peacefully. I can't stay with anyone peacefully. I can't say a word or ask for help from any friend because I can't let anyone find me insane. Last time I talked to a psychology doctor I told him I wanted to lose the ability of feeling emotions. In the whole therapy I was the protagonist talking about most stuffs. I unloaded everything in my mind to him. He was listening and at the end the way he was talking feels like he was crazy because he started to rehearse things and since then I never talked to a psychology doctor again because now I'm thinking what if themselves are crazy in the beginning? Or Maybe these doctors are easily affected by crazy patients and then they can go crazy themselves?
I'm so sick. I feel uncomfortable looking at any human's face. Oh, actually, all mammals. I feel like I can always sense something dangerous in their eyes. It gives me the emotion called fear, large amount of fear. Anyone who approaches me are dangerous people, because sick people like to make friends with sick people, and healthy people like to make friends with healthy people. Therefore the only way I can cure myself is trying to make friend with those who doesn't want to be my friend. What a misery conclusion out of all these madness. It's so hard to make friends with those who doesn't want to be my friend. Yet I tried. I succeeded, and then I lost. It's a freaking loop going all around over , over and over fking again and again. Everytime I succeed I want to stay with them so close, like this is the only good person I've ever known, resulting them trying to get rid of me, and they are like, where are all your friends?Why me?
20 Jan 2009, 9:19 am
