I am in this world to fail the main mission: LIFE.

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I know. I was born in this world to feel the sad and happyness, but there is less happy and more pain. I can't stand it. Every day i have to live in anxiety, and thoughts like "i'd like get away from this cruel world. I want to die, but i don't the same time because of my interests and because i don't want to give my pain to the people i love. I live in a small country and theres no good support for aspies. There are only some phyciatrists who are trying to help. But one only saied that if i don't stay in school then i probably have to go to mentally ret*d childrens school, because i don't socialize. Yes, she knows that i have asperger.
I can't stand the school. I can't be like other students! When they have problems they ask or discuss it with other people, but i don't. So i keep my problems to myself and i get overhelmed with them, because i actually can't find any solution. It seems that things are quite better in America, because you have support groups there and all.. but there are nothing like that here at all.. pff, my country Estonia .. i am getting nowhere in my life, because noone understands me.. i swear that one day in the future, there will be no more Me anymore.. i'll be gone, and i feel sorry for the people i care or who cares. even my english is bad .. "Shtup, stop whining, just go and solve your problems.. but i just can't i am too mutch socially ret*d

that's exactly how i felt when i was 17 (24 years ago, ow i'm old ),
asperger's syndrom wasn't know back then ,
the doctor said i had 'normal' adolescent crisis

but what can i say to make you happy ...
make yourself goals ?
like when I study, I can have a job and move to any country I want to?
or focus on some special interest? ( I calculated that if I had learned to read music in my 'unhappy years I have spend more on crying and staring at the wall than anything' I would have been damn good at it now

wish you some light in the darkness

Thank you both for your kind words. I hope things will be better one day.. even if it's hard to believe. I have to stay here and must not take my own life.. better have some illness or accident. But never knows when i fall into a deeper depression. And i don't force myself to do anything i don't like, i do what i like to do and what makes me feel better. If i can't stay at school then i get away from there, usually when i have bad mood. I think i should have good grades/marks, because my intelligence tests show that way, but i still have horribly bad grades in some lessons, because the teachers are not very helpful.. Omg! today the teachers should be more understanding.. they should be teacher-psyhchologists not only teachers, because those only-teachers are too dumb, they only teach, teach and teach.. but kids should be seen as different persons, not the whole-class, some people need different treating and understanding .. why this world has to be so ret*d

oh why!! why people close to me won't help me.. i feel so doomed now. Even if they try to help, they still say things that truly hurt me very mutch. If i can't finish school then my aunt want's to send me back to my old home, but i hate my old home.. its real hell there, noone understands me there either. They only tell hurtful things in my face. THE WHOLE WORLD IS GOING TO HATE ME WHEN I DON'T FINISH SCHOOL!! !! I so badly wan't to be invisible. I really don't want to be a burden to anyone. They expect me to be normal... it seems that theyr iq's are too low to understand anything.. they only think that they are right and i am wrong. And when i'd go back to my mothers place then the whole city will come and burn us because we seem to be mentally crazy, psycho, like witches(maybe) the whole city hates us there.. ughhhh i hate people

I think the hardest thing for me was and still is having a body and nervous system that forces me to embarrass myself daily, acting like someone who isn't and never has been me. Its a constant war for my identity, constantly trying to figure out how to deal with who I really am, how to handle my emotional and spiritual needs as things stand, and how to reconcile the fact that I not only irritate and aggravate people who I respect (for reasons that if I hadn't lived this condition - I'd be the same way) but I know that no matter how much will power I can summon or even if I'd go to the ends of the earth to make it go away, it won't and it never will.

Here's my advice. Your 17, I remember that time of my life and it was hell. As you get older, you'll still have plenty of stresses but you'll have a lot more neutral ground, a lot more of life that you can make the most of, many more things will go your way, and for me my early and mid 20's were a good time for my career and educational ambitions, late teens I was too tired and beat up, barely dragged myself across the finish line for my diploma.

That and as cheesy as it might sound, never let the outside world dictate to you inwardly who you are or set your sense of identity. Especially, don't let them set your self-worth. It takes some creativity and you really have to parse the ideas, specific problems, with a lot of precision but you do need to be able to separate your sense of self and self-worth from what your body and mind do that bring you grief as well as people's reactions. Its a huge challenge but its very necessary.

i think you are a though one skonamis, you're going to make it !
have you got any special interests, that might you help focus on something else ?

I do have interests. I love computers. It feels like i cant live if i don't have a computer. But thank god i have.. if it breaks then i get broken too. And i love computergames, but i need to get over my depressed moods and anxiety, only then i can enjoy games And i am obsessed with cats too. They are amazing animals. If i see a cat then my heart gets warm and i can relax, but i dont have a cat anymore, because i moved away from my old home. Well, my own cat ran away long time ago when i was in psychiatric hospital. I so want him back