Don't Know What to do or How to feel :(

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Well for those of you who recognize me from my other three posts here, it's pretty much come to this, IDK what to do. I'll reveiw my Diagnosis for those who don't know, AS-Severe Depression/Anxiety-School Phobia yeah my "creed". I am so lost right now I might make a few errors on this post revolving around grammer/spelling so mind not the errors, I have had roughly two and a-half years of therapy/pills/doctors to talk to/ any other one of those things including family meetings, yet no change except I'm homebound (aka Homeschool)-self teaching PC Programming and Physics (15 years old last in school 2 HORRID weeks of Freshmen year), and a nice weekly group meeting . My parents are by far the best I have seen and very lenient, so I put fault towards know one except fate, however over the years of 13 to 15 I have found that except physical attributes I am just so vastly different from my family that I am left feeling either lonely-sad-or helpless. All of my family do not understand any of my hobbies, habits, or actions, and unless I'm not with them I'm either being yelled at, or given punishments for trying to help because I say supposedly in a rude tone, and my only true moments of feeling somewhat content are on a game or here (Thank goodness for WP). I know I'm loved and a bit spoiled sometimes, but possetions only widen the empty whole once none as my heart, and it's not love I want it's a person whom I will be able to talk to and love with , that actually understands me, who's a great freind, and dosen't yell at me when I try to help. I am smart and know what I ask will probably never come 100% in my lifetime, but I would like to have my-self back again, my joy-happieness-ect..., I would like to feel like I *** In simple terms*** fit-in. My life is going to have it's up's just as it has this down, but right now I'm to low and my rollercoaster known as life has broken down and left me in the "fall", idk how to get out or what to do. Granted all here will be repeated to my pschiatrist tomorrow for her doctorly analysis, but any replies are of the greatest treasure to me, and I'll throw this thanks in advance.

PS: Just so everyone knows I'm not suisidle, though it is the high light choice amogst my life, I my self find that to be a cowards way out and "quuiting" .... I don't quit.

My father is a marine if there's one thing I have learned it's that failing is always better than quitting!

When does your anxiety kick in? When does depression hit you the worst - in the mornings or evenings? I think many people here on WP may have the same experiences as you, so let us know so we can ALL commiserate.

Hang in there, dude, it gets better with age.

My anxiety kicks when in a situation with no "out", or School, and on my own sadly ( without parents or close relative), and depression hits when ever I am not do something, but at most specifics it would be afternoons and night-time, because I start to think of the next day ahead and how to get through it. Yeah sleeping is huge issue I have

I understand how that hole in the heart feels. I know what it feels like to not fit in. I also know the depression and anxiety. I am working on getting to that place of acceptance of myself. It sounds like you are well on your way there. You sound very wise for being 15.

I've only been on WP for a short time and I have found it to be a wonderful place where I can find people who have the same thoughts and feelings as I do. I hope you can find that too.

No it dosen't , infact that's the only reason I'm up right now it's like 1:00AM here

You just need to learn how NTs think then the anxiety goes away. Buy a book or google something about manipulation and influencing people.

Wow .. first time since, well ever i would ever reconsider the difference between failing and quiting, to be honset ... it makes alot of sence what you said .. i just don't know how to relate to my family or others whom are NT's, i always end up with them yelling at me when i try to relate or act like them because, i do it wrong or something and when i ask what i did wrong, the times they do give me an anwser, it usually dosen't make since to me and i get lost and confused. Do you know of a way to learn that, the reading of books, or going to the the internet or library seems like a great idea, but i don't know what to look for.... or should i even look. Any replies are helpful.

Oh, and that was a great artical, i'm glad you point that out it, dose explain why my previous concept never worked for me, "It's better to fail than to quit", my dad did have a very different chilldhood so he probably use's it for that reason.

Study psychology, anthropology, sociology, stuff like that. And ignore people who sneer.

I'm not sure what's available to you at 15. I subscribed to "Psychology Today" when I was 16 or so. I don't remember what I got out of it, but it probably gave me a lot of food for thought. I used the cat's name, so I also got to enjoy all the junk mail about the cat's intelligence and discriminating taste. And the credit card offers.

In college, first year psychology is incredibly boring and I could never have gotten through it unless someone was standing over me with a stick. But it's good background. Third year psychology is fascinating. Anthropology is incredibly cool. You can probably find stuff in the library that is entertaining enough to read on your own. Sociology is boring, but again, good to know.

And anything by Robert Sapolsky, the guy who studies baboon culture. That's pretty much what I see when I watch humans interact.

Wow, thanks for the replies every one, seems a bit silly to me, but it helps, so i won't deny it

Oh, and while i haven't gotten a chance to read up on some of the books written by the provided author, i have found another book for Physics, so i'm pretty much trying to self teach my self "Physic's", i love math and science

I also really liked that article.

NomadicAssassin, it's normal for anxiety to set in when you feel there's "no way out." As you get older and have more choices in your adult life, you will feel that way less.

I'm glad you're a fighter, not a quitter. You'll find you have a few successes along with failures. Focus on those. Focus on your strengths and positive accomplishments. That can go a long way.

hhhmmm .. now thats something to think on. I don't think i could ever mentally "kill" my parents, as i know they mean good, and both of them are really "Jumping through hoops to try to make my life as easy as possible", my mom even has to go to therapy to real destress her self, because she haits the fact, that she can't understand my Sit-Rep as anything other than what the doctors can tell her. I also have a beautiful sister whom would have a really bad child-hood if i did that to her mother, however thats not to say i don't block them many times during the day, but i could never really fully "seperate myself". As i read more about how life for a human is supposed to progress, and how things work in life, along with much Psychology, and Economics, ect.. I almost find my self in a state of shock and ah, as nothing makes much since, and then i think "well .. what can i take from this" it's almost as though to live your life as the majority wants, and if you don't ... your considered wrong and corrected until you "DO" understand it the way they want.

What should i really take from looking at our world ( well those that inhabit it "humans")?