The only cure to my disease…

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is death. And yes, I did call it a disease, there’s no use in denying it. I am so pissed off at the world right now. Throughout my entire life, whenever I tried to socialize I got rejected and turned away. Even my counselor claimed to not have time for me today and told me to go away. Then I get laughed at and mocked for not having any friends. I get laughed at for my lack of facial expression. I am nothing but a joke to people. It is a ridiculous cycle of torment.

I’m tired of having no friends and being alone. I’m tired of being worthless. I am tired of being angry. I am tired of this disease. I want my cure.

Sounds like you need a GF/BF mate.

Who the hell is having a go at you at your age?

Most of us here can relate to your feeling. I've just gone a 2 day depression cycle so that low is still very raw. I am sorry your feeling blue - you gotta rise up man. rise up!

I agree with Jol and I agree with hester386. Sometimes the ache for release is so strong. When I try to figure out what other people are thinking about me or if others want to have to deal with me in my funk I get totally bummed out by just drawing breath.

I talked to a woman this morning that was in her eighties, and she was in a funk, too. She was trying to impress me by being a widow on a fixed income trying to pay for cancer treatments. I didn't pity her, I talked to her as another human being with a disease.

My neurological difference is not why I want to die. My disease is wanting to die.

Merle

AS is a curse.

No, AS is a battle. And you can choose either to fight it (and have the occasional moments of pure battled fueled joy that small victories bring), or lie down and be overrun.

I chose to fight. What do you choose?

By the way, death is not the cure. Death is the full final cumulation of the disease.

One thing comforting about that particular cure is that it's guaranteed. There's no danger I'll miss out on it.

In this case, the term "Life Sentence" means "Only Temporary."

Meanwhile, to pass the time, there are a few things I enjoy.

Try volunteering activities. You can meet new people that way.

Also try trying new things.

Well if you lie on your back like a submissive animal, the dominant animals will continue to trample you down. Yes, society is just that way. "We" (excluding those of us, apparently you and I, who chose not to comply) are forced to act like animals in order to "prosper", that is attain social value.

Don't show them that it gets to you. That gives them the reward they are seeking - the sadistic swine they are. I let people bully me for 17 years of my life until I had it, and stood up for myself. "What can I do?", you might say. Well, you can start with trying to empower yourself. What is your current situation? Do you work? study? unemployed?

Perhaps some of us could help you out if we knew more about the circumstances in which you experience you hardship.

Hester, I know how hard it is. I've gone through these exact same things. You're not in this alone. We all walk our paths. I'm not particularly happy either, but you know what? I'm still here. I've made a few friends. And there are people out there who understand you. Sometimes, I know, you just want release. Sometimes it just gets too much. But we're all in this together.

Fortunately, I started feeling better a couple of days after I posed this. I think I just needed to vent a little bit. I go to college full-time and work part-time, so my problem isn’t that I can’t function in everyday life. My problem is that I tend to act anti-social and yet still get lonely at the same time, and eventually get irritated and upset over it. I’m not even going to pretend like I understand why, but at the surface at least it sure doesn’t make sense.

I know what you're saying. I sometimes withdraw from others because the differences are just too obvious and painful, feeling lonely because it seems no one understands. It's very easy to just sink into depression.

I agree, man. And when we try to make friends we get shot down and it never works out. I'm glad there is someone like me out there in Cincinnati.

Don't you feel that our peers have been dating, making out with girls, playing sports with their friends, hanging out with other guys, and going to parties ever since 8th grade, but you and I are still behind on that and will never catch up? All I can say is that it sucks.

My hope is that I still have a lot to offer to others and to myself - I never drank and never tried drugs, I never dated, so don't have any stds, I am physically healthy and pain free. But we are hung up on little obsessions of negative thought patterns, mostly about not being accepted, being stigmatized, missing what others our age have so easily (friends and girlfriends). We just have to suck it up like Forest Gump and keep running forward - life's gives are usually unexpected and who knows what might be in store for us.