thoughts from an NT

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I’m not sure why I’m writing this… I guess I’m still hurt from my experience, an experience I didn’t understand at the time and am having trouble making sense of even now. I guess I want to know if those with Asperger's have a sense of the impact they have on others, especially the ones who love them.

I believe my husband may have had Asperger’s (not diagnosed). He died three years ago from a heart attack at the age of 42. Most people saw him as “rough around the edges.” Those who saw a darker side said he “had issues.” It’s hard to explain it from this end unless you’ve lived it but then we don’t know what we’re experiencing.

I didn’t think he saw me for who I was. It was almost like I was a reflection or extension of him. Most of the time, I felt steam rolled. I spent much of our time together fighting for me, because his moods, thoughts, feelings etc always came first. It’s not that there were two perspectives we were arguing about. I was always fighting to be heard. If he didn’t think it, feel it, see it, or believe it himself, it didn’t exist in his world.

Yes, there was the obsession with cars (he had encyclopedic knowledge of every car that had ever been on the road). It was the communications issue that was the most troubling. He pretended a lot, I’m sure, as a way to get along in the world. But I could tell it wasn’t really real for him.

In the beginning he wanted his “soap box” to spout off about whatever. I explained that conversation was like volleyball. So while he was able to stop and let people talk, I could tell he wasn’t listening, just waiting for me or others to shut up so that he continuing talking about whatever. If I asked a question, he'd give me a blank stare and then repeat the entire story word for word and not answer the question.

I’m sure he loved me, but it was a very self involved kind of love. He would do anything for me, give me anything I wanted—as long it was what HE felt I should want. If I expressed an interest that wasn’t what he expected, he shut down. There were catatonic episodes.

Sex is where this became very difficult and very emotional for me. So while he could try to blend in at work and with friends, he couldn’t fake the intimacy or the connection two people have when making love. He was robotic and mechanical and wanted A + B to always equal C. I felt used and interchangeable. I’m not sure if he would have noticed if a blow up doll was in my place.

The end of the end came for us when he did something I felt was a betrayal of my trust in him—and he had no idea why I saw it that way since that wasn’t his intention. He thought he would try to help me sleep –so he put in vodka in a cup of hot chocolate. I woke up with a hangover. After that, he no longer was the man I could trust to have my best interests at heart. And he was angry and didn’t understand why I couldn’t just get over it. This summed up our entire relationship: our relationship wasn’t about what was truly best for me… it was always what HE FELT was best, what HE FELT I should want and be happy with.

We have a daughter, 9 years old. I see some of the same communication issues, although I don’t see them to same degree. How would I know if she were struggling?

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I've dealt with people who sound a lot like your husband. Although they don't share every little detail, I've known plenty of people who have strong opinions, will not change their minds, do not care about my pov or wants, expected me to do things their way and eat the exact same foods as them. I've known people who do the soap box routine too. I'm not sure if they have AS or just don't respect me and discredit me entirely. They didn't treat everyone like they did me but they talked bad about people behind their backs while putting up a nice front to their faces.
Most of the people I used to hang out with were a lot like that so, what I did was stop hanging around them because they didn't have enough respect for me.
Do people with AS act like your husband? I'm not sure but I've known people who considered me a second class citizen and they treated me a lot like the way your husband treated you.

I was going to respond, but I think ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo has said it better than I could.

I am sorry you were treated that way in your marriage, dmyshko. I am also sorry to hear of the loss of your husband.

First of all, Welcome to the forum, I hope you can get some support in your thougths here.

Its a very sad and vurneable story you are sharing. Im sorry that you never got to speak to your husband about these thoughts of yours. It would have benefit your relationship if you talked to each other. The aspie can get to learn how they impact on others in their behaviour and by then getting to understand better how to be keen to the partners needs and thoughts, I did (Im the female aspie in my marriage) Im sorry you never came to this point with your husband. Leaving you with all these thoughts by yourself.

I guess you are writing this because you are concerned of your daughter. There is a forum for parenting that might be beneficial to you --> http://www.wrongplanet.net/forum19.html

You should read "The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome" by Tony Attwood. It'll very likely make a lot of things make a lot more sense, particularly the chapter "Long-Term Relationships," where it walks you through scenarios of AS/NT relationships and what's happening from the POV of each and why there's a lot of misunderstanding. Your post sounds like it's right out of the book. Albeit with a few accentuations...

Hi there and welcome.

First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. It must be very difficult for you and your daughter, especially as you have all these thoughts and concerns about your husband.

I'm assuming that your daughter doesn't have a diagnosis, but you suspect she may be AS. If that is the case then I'd recommend that you go to your family doctor, explain your concerns and ask for an assessment. Your school may be able to offer support even without a diagnosis.

Have you ever considered that he may have been a psychopath or a sociopath, and at all be in the ASD "club"? (Being a psychopath/sociopath doesnt automatically mean that they run out and kill people, that is just a hollywood stereotype.)

- Did you try to tell him that he was "chocking" your life and not letting you get a word in the relationship? If so, did he become hostile?

- Did he actively try to controll you (mentally or financially) or did he just ignore your needs?

- By "rough around the edges", did he have low empathy and used/controlled people, or did he just have poor understanding for other people/relationships?

dmyshko,
Hi, I'm Merle, a moderator here on WP. I moved your thread to our "The Haven" discussion group. It provides a more conductive atmosphere for reflection and disclosure.

I am glad to welcome you to WP and would like to join our members in expressing sympathy for your loss. I would also agree with xalepax about joining the members in the "Parent' Discussion" group.

Merle

Why do you assume that because your husband was self-centered that he was Asperger?