I'm being given an ultimatum

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I don't think your post was too harsh, Gbollard. Actually, I agree with most of it. This sort of thing happens quite a lot in relationships.

We aspies complain all the time that NTs aren't straight with us, but i think this guy is being doing just that. He has realized that he wants to be a dad, and wants to make sure that the you're on the same page as him. Being a parent, or not is a big, big deal in life. There really isn't a compromise that a couple can make regarding to have children, or not. Either you do, or you don't. I've seen couples go into a relationship, even marriage under the premise that they won't have any children with one partner thinking that the other will eventaully change his/her mind. Of course, that rarely happens, and the results can be devastating to the couple. Basically, from what I can tell he wants to know where you stand on the whole having kids issue before he commits his life to you. I think that's a wise thing to do, however I think his timing is insensitive, and irresponsible. I think it's unfair to ask you to be making a life changing decision when you're feeling mentally, and emotionally unstable. I'd ask him to please wait at least 6 months while you get more stable, and have time to think about it. I also don't think it would hurt to ask your doctor what he/she thinks. There may be meds that are safe enough for you to take, as well as other precautions that can be taken that may make a difference in whether or not you feel having a baby is right for you. I don't think it would be asking too much take a few months to really explore all of your options, and to be sure of what it is that you want.

I do want to say that I think you are more responsible, empathetic, and caring than many women that I know. You are thinking of the welfare of your potential child, before your own needs. Just the fact that you'd sacrifice your relationship with your fiance rather than have a baby that you're unsure if you can care for demonstrates that. I think you should be commended for that.

That right there is the key. He is obviously under the assumption that this is not the case if he's giving you an ultimatum; he's trying to bully you into this, thinking that in your mind you have no real other options. And if you give in, he is going to see this as a good strategy to get what he wants in the future. Is that what you really want for the rest of your life?

Since you said you're flexible on the whole "continuing the relationship" thing if he's not willing to be respectful of your needs and wishes (which is a VERY good mindset for you to have), my suggestion honestly would be to call his bluff. Just ride out the 6 months. Don't get pregnant. Don't say sh*t about it, and if asked, just say very simply that you still are not ready. He has put the ball in your court, and you need to put it back in his. By doing this, and seeing how he deals with it, you will find out what he's really made of. It's a good bet that this will provide a 6 month sample of how to expect him to deal with adversity within the relationship on a more long-term basis. You will learn pretty much everything you need to know.

You two are clearly not on the same page with this now, and if you're not after 6 months, it may be time to think about looking in another direction. I have a feeling that he will not end the relationship on the spot after 6 months. If he does not, it confirms that he was bullying you in the first place. If he does, then it goes to show how selfish and inflexible he would have been for the rest of your time together anyway, which, according to you, is not something you really want to deal with (to put it mildly).

It's really a win-win for you on some level, because he either plays it your way, or he is exposing himself as being selfish and controlling in the most lifelong sense imaginable (seeing as children are involved). As long as you truly are okay with ending the relationship if he does not waver on this, you have the upper hand in all this by a mile.


Changing the subject somewhat, it's also important to note how much he's shifted his perspective concerning your mental health just within the last week; if that's just how he is, how can you (or he) possibly have a clue how he's going to feel about this or anything else 6 months from now?

Be strong on this, be confident. Logistically, you can dominate this situation if you're properly focused.

actually my dad was 40 when I was born(i'm 30 and he is 70) and since people are living longer, he will still be able to see his grandchild. Usually if his child has a kid at age 20, he is still "young" enough to be a grandparent and still be healthy. A lot of people do not retire until their late 60's, so I think that would be a great thing. Also, having a child at an older age is beneficial because a lot of people who want grand kids to spend time with them and/or help babysit when the grandchild's parent is busy. If they are still at "working" age, they might have a problem. Also, their parent would have to put them in day care. At least if the Grand parent is over 60 or so when the child is born, by the time the child needs a babysitter, the grand parent's will be available because they are not working, which allows their grandchild's parent to save money. That money they save can put that child into a great college. That is how I see it,anyway.

Thank you for all your advice on this situation. Actually I don't even know how serious he is about this ultimatum. Half the time I think he's serious and he's kidding. Maybe he's been dropping hints for months and I haven't noticed....

If I don't answer my cell phone at night after work and he has something important to say to me and he gets very frustrated....sometimes he'll send me a nasty text message or leave me a nasty voice mail in which he says he's "done with me for good...he can't take this s**t anymore, etc." I get all upset (mainly because I most likely forgot to turn my ringer back on after a meeting at work, or I fell asleep)....then he calls me the next day like nothing happened. He does admit he does that stuff because I'm very gullible, and sometimes he does it because he can't get his point across. I usually have no way of knowing if he's upset about something, and often I'll find out when he dumps me...then he call me back and says..."I didn't mean it...I was just mad...I don't want to really break up....but YOU JUST DON'T GET IT."

So maybe this ultimatum is just one of his jokes or exaggerations he uses to get his point across....

Well point taken....he wants kids, and in the near future. And I want them in the future...just the not so near future....

If he's not willing to wait a few years until I'm ready than tough. I will wait, and if he can't wait with me....he can have kids with someone else who is ready now.

My father was in no way ready to be a parent. I really think he should have never married my mother and had kids. His ASD is way more severe than mine is. His meltdowns were often violent, and they were so unpredictable. He couldn't be a head of a household. He didn't understand concepts like money. He spend most of his time tinkering with elecronics, car engines and computers, he rarely spoke, he was easily overwhelemed and very easily frustrated.... I spent most of my childhood being afraid of him...being afriad to distract him and set him off...I do not want to be a parent like that. I don't want my child to witness my own meltdowns and see mommy bang her head against a wall until it's bleeding because she's upset....I don't want to scare my children the way my father scared me.

gbollard...your post wasn't harsh at all....it made a lot of sense actually....

amazon_television....your post also made a lot of sense....

Anyway...I know I need to get my head straightened out before I even consider having children...not so much with the autism thing...but the bipolar thing and anger issues really need to be straightened out before I can be a good mother....

Wow, it actually sounds a lot like an abusive situation.

You are allowed to be human and make mistakes. You are allowed to be fully yourself, Aspie traits and all. Okay, so sometimes you do not get it. Sometimes people with thoroughly "normal" social skills--sometimes in fact people with above average social skills--do not get it. That's okay. That is part of being a human being. With myself, I currently take the approach that I have patchy social skills, good in some areas, very good in others, not so good in others. And that, again, is perfectly okay. And lately, I have given myself permission to let a medium mistake merely be a medium mistake.

Okay, so you forgot to turn the your ringer back on. But to lambast you as a result, that's kind of uncool. It sounds like he means it on both occasions, both when he lambasts you and when he lately gives a reasonable explanation.

And it's also uncool to pressure you on something as personal as whether to have a baby.

Please, don't get isolated. In the midst of a difficult primary relationship or any difficult primary situation, do not get isolated from other people and other interests.