1. Create a concrete plan you share with you child and set expectations before going on the vacation – If we know exactly what’s going on and can see a schedule beforehand it feels much less overwhelming to tackle new places and new experiences.

2. Make sure you’re staying in a place with enough space – when I was a kid, if we stayed in a place with plenty of space, my parents had no issues. For example, every year my parents would take us to Pawleys Island, SC. Generally that trip was fine because my parents rented a big enough house and I had my own space, which is something a lot of us on the spectrum need. One year, we moved to a much nicer but much smaller house. I had to share a bedroom with my brother and the house was very compact so we felt packed in and I had a lot of difficulties. Even though the house was nicer, renting the bigger, albeit more shabby, beach house was much better for our family.

3. Plan your vacation during the destination’s off-season and go to a place that’s less crowded in general  Autistic people can get overwhelmed in large crowds or places that have a lot of people. And when you go to tourist destinations, that can be even more overwhelming if it’s during a busy season.

4. Plan a lot of physical activities  Things that involve bike riding, walking, swimming, or even outdoor activities like the zoo, are good for helping to get rid of that excess nervous energy that can build up .

5. Doing more shorter vacations like day or weekend trips can be easier than going on a single longer vacation If a week long vacation is too much, try doing a few 3, 2 or 1 day trips. If your child hates the trip, you can leave without worrying about the fact that you paid for a whole week.

6. Since activities can be overwhelming, limit them in time and scope and plan them so that they work for your child - 

As an example, for a trip to a museum, create a plan of things to see and do and share it with your child before going in. Whatever you do, don’t just walk around looking at things. People, especially kids, on the spectrum don’t like uncertainty.

Also, call ahead and ask what the least busy time is – sometimes google has a graph that shows how many people are at a specific attraction for each hour of the day.

Also, plan mini tours that involve activities related to what you’re doing (like a scavenger hunt). Often times, places like a museum will offer guides for children.  Don’t be pedantic, the experience of new places and experiences should be enough. You don’t need to teach them everything about everything you see and don’t try too hard to make sure they’re learning. Children will remember activities related to what they saw, not  what was written on a plaque you made them read.  Be more hands off and your child’s curiosity will do the rest.

Plan an escape if it’s a new overwhelming experience. One time we went to a haunted house. My sister who is also on the spectrum was insistent upon going in so my mom talked with the people running it and they came up with an egress plan for her to go to a guide to take her out if she got overwhelmed and needed to leave.

7. Always have a plan of where your next meal is coming from – either bring your food or plan to eat at a specific place you research that is fun and not overwhelming from a sensory perspective

Plan rest times – While it can seem like it’d be better to make use of all the time you have and do as much as possible, if you do less things and have built-in breaks, the things you do will be much more rewarding and memorable. You don’t need to see the whole city or even the whole museum. A lot of parents

8. Be aware of your child’s needs and prioritize those over your own- If your kid likes rocket ships, go to the air and space museum. Even if you think you’d enjoy an art gallery more, you won’t if your kid is having a melt down the whole time. You can still go to the art gallery if you make it fun, but sometimes the path of least resistance is best.

9 Prepare staff in advance - Tell them you have a kid on the spectrum and explain that a meltdown is possible. That way, if a meltdown does happen they will be more patient and accommodating and you won’t get as many people judging you.

10. If you have multiple kids on the spectrum, consider one parent taking them each separately on different vacations based on their needs and interests. Or if you’re doing activities on the same trip, maybe split off so each child can do something that will work for them.

The post Planning a family vacation with Autism – 10 tips for success appeared first on Wrong Planet.

For me, autism means that my mind is a vast open space where all my knowledge runs free with my hyper-connected brain. Most people are born with instructions to function on this planet – not me. I can’t think within parameters that I can’t see. It is like being asked to think outside of a box you didn’t know you were inside of. Free-range thinking translates into free-range behavior.

Not seeing borders can manifest itself in difficulties understanding boundaries, and this has been prominent throughout my life beginning at an early age. For instance, I never knew how far to stand from people. To cope, I would stand a little farther away than what I thought was acceptable just to be sure. But not all coping mechanisms and assumed boundaries are perfect – my method failed me once when I was in kindergarten. All of my classmates were sitting in a circle and I happened to be right next to my teacher, who was on a chair reading a book to our class. The top of her foot distracted me; it was flesh-colored, but it appeared to have a textured pattern. I figured she was wearing stockings. I lost my restraint while in some sort of trance and impulsively – but gently – pulled on the top of her foot. It was like my brain had to find out for itself whether my assumption was correct about the stockings. My teacher flinched. She didn’t seem upset, but she was surprised.

My fourth grade teacher was always frustrated that I would never write my assignments within the margins. My print handwriting would spill over the borders of the paper, and my calligraphy was minuscule because I thought it was the only way that I could perfectly align the size and spacing.

My mind’s boundaries followed me outside of school too. One day, I was filing out a form one day and the woman working at the front of the office seemed puzzled. She commented, “You’re the first person ever to start filling out the form at the bottom and working your way up. Why did you do it that way?” I explained that I wanted to get the meatier parts out of the way first so that towards the end of filling out the sheet, my mind can rest as the name/address/date of birth part is a no-brainer.

In grade 11, I did a coop placement at a parliament member’s office: the Hill location and the constituency office. I enjoyed it immensely. I learned so much to the point that I realized I didn’t know anything at all. I had chosen the most progressive and liberal politician I knew. Still, I couldn’t wrap my mind around the thought of restricting myself to one idea. A political party is a way of thinking, yet there are 7 billion ways of thinking. On my last day,I asked the parliament member for one piece of advice which has stuck with me to this day, “Don’t get into politics just to get into politics. Do it because there’s a particular cause you truly believe in and follow it.”

I didn’t know who I was back then. I didn’t know what I was passionate about. I do now, but I still can’t reconcile the thought of belonging to a dividing entity.

But something I learned is that there is always a side: us against them. Rarely is there impartiality. I couldn’t understand that you had to take a side to stand for something.

I did learn what I was passionate about after my time in the co-op: poetry. There is a reflection of nature in all human experience and this is my inspiration for metaphors. I see the synchronicity in everything. Nature is cruel. We are animals that don’t follow the natural order of the environment because we coexist. Autistic children often report other children as being mean. It didn’t occur to me until I grew up that meanness is really just what animals do to one another to survive. My “niceness” was a lack of survival instinct. As we mature, we learn to develop our intellect and compassion. Lions and lambs don’t live peacefully together in the wild. My curiosity for human relationships lead me to my next big passion in life: spirituality. What is it exactly that sets us apart from our non-human counterparts?

Every behavioral manifestation of an autistic trait reveals something deeper about how we perceive the world. The reason autistics need order and routine is because their minds are chaotic and unusual. Lack of awareness for boundaries also means they don’t see borders between people. They don’t see faces, color, or race –   only character. I never saw others as “other.” This is why autistics are known to befriend people of all ethnicities, religion, and age. The older I got, the more I realized that people categorized others to determine whether or not to accept or reject them.

In my mind, I developed artificially constructed dividers to classify people, which helps me predict how certain people will act based on past experiences.

This last line made me cry when I wrote it. I’ve literally had to teach myself to divide people in my mind to survive. It feels like I have built a fence in my mind, but my thoughts and feelings rebelled and grew in between each metal wiring hiding any evidence of it. Our future can’t be kept locked up behind archaic traditions, cultural norms, or even widely-accepted beliefs and opinions. With limits, our vision cannot be world-embracing. Without limits, our vision is one of freedom. Minds without borders will help create a world without borders.

The post Minds Without Borders appeared first on Wrong Planet.

A friend of mine jumped off her roof last week. Her name was Zara. She was a painter. She wasn’t autistic, but she struggled with isolation, and finding friends wasn’t easy for her. That was one of the things we connected over.

In times like these, I think back to a quote by D.T. Max, the biographer of David Foster Wallace. Wallace was one of my favorite writers. Among other things, he wrote eloquently about his own sadness. David committed suicide in 2008. In his memorializing article, The Unfinished, Max writes “This was not an ending anyone would have wanted for him, but it was the ending he chose.”

The other thing that has been stuck in my mind this past week is Stephen Reynolds’s article, published here last month, An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergian. Reynolds covers a lot of important points, and addresses the very important topic of depression, its universality, its encompassing nature, its invisibility, with respect. He touches on depression and masculinity, and the article as a whole touches on depression in the autism community, saying encouragingly, “I implore all of you, any of you who know someone who suffers from depression -especially if they have autism- to sit them down and listen. Do not belittle them, do not doubt what thoughts could be swimming through their heads and treat them like adults.” The article gives many uplifting words, but there is a lot left to say on the topic of autism and depression.

Depression is incredibly common in the autism community. Children with autism are 28 times as likely to attempt suicide as neurotypical children. In adults with Asperger’s, a study found a majority of individuals were depressed, and two thirds of participants were having thoughts of suicide. These numbers are unprecedented, and uncalled for. They speak to a larger issue on autism, how it is treated in society, and how we think of autistic individuals.

Much of the articles published on this subject are strictly medical, on (to be fair, well circulated) sites like Psychology Today and Science Daily. These horrifying numbers are buried in complicated jargon that discusses autistic people in terms of symptoms, numbers, observations. They talk about the inflated amygdala and exaggerated fight or flight responses, they use terminology for depression such as “overlapping symptoms” and phrases that minimize the emotional heft of the issue, like “mood disorders.” Whether or not it’s intentional, the medical language used dehumanizes autistic people, and talks about their traits in terminology better suited for computer glitches, or animals.

Despite knowing the support autistic people need, most autistic support groups are for families of autistic children. That’s not to say families don’t need support too, 80 percent of married couples with autistic children get divorced. Still, support and aid for autistic adults and supportive communities for autistic people of any age, outside of this community, are incredibly rare. Finding physical communities for autistic folks is a huge challenge, and it shouldn’t be for a group of people often defined by their hunger for human connection.

Why these support structures are so rare is lost on me. The nature of autism easily brings out depression. Saying that it is a merely symptom the disorder is tantamount to calling a symptom of cancer death. Human beings are social creatures. We need each other for emotional support, and having a connection with another person breathes meaning into one’s life. But the odd nature of the autistic personality can sometimes push people away. Isolation begins at a young age. Autistic children are bullied more often than neurotypical children, and become increasingly lonely the older they get. This sort of negative social feedback breeds the anxiety around social issues that many of us feel, and it creates a feedback loop. It doesn’t help that autistic people are more easily traumatized by negative feedback, due to the aforementioned inflated amygdala. This sort of solitude, the way it feels to struggle to find a true human connection, it can shake you to your core. It can make you feel worthless. Why else would nobody be interested in being around you? They must be right about you.

But it’s not autistic people’s fault the world is like this. If you look right below the surface, you can see the methods society uses to maintain the status quo on social rules. This sort of negative feedback is a method for creating a cohesive language, which is central to a functioning social organism, but not only does it weed out social diversity, it doesn’t accommodate those who don’t learn socially as easily as everyone else.

In these medical papers, as well as in communities around America, we downplay the way depression impacts the lives of autistic people. It is often suggested bullying is less hurtful to those on the spectrum, because they would not care about being left out. It’s the same hurtful stereotype all over again; autistic people don’t want human relationships. The other suggestion is that the way we are made predisposes us to suicide. That it’s not society that pushed us out, we are instead “neurological time bombs.”

Not only are both arguments ignorant, they breed the problem they are addressing. In my experience, autistic people aren’t that different from everyone else, but the exclusiveness that the world feeds us brings out the differences, and makes them harder to overcome. David Foster Wallace wrote many truisms in his book Infinite Jest. One of these is that “everybody is identical in their secret unspoken belief that way deep down they are different from everyone else.” This fear exists in autistic people too. Except, unlike the rest of the world, at some point a doctor told them they were right. They are different. Now that their fear has been confirmed, they seek out acceptance from their peers, and their difference often gets them shunned for being “odd” or “annoying.” It’s possible to overcome these issues, but in order to change yourself and your mannerisms so much in an environment without support, the mask you make must be composed of anxiety and self-doubt. The mantra of “different” stops coming from your peers, and starts coming from your heart.

The world doesn’t need to be like this. We don’t need to ostracize autistic people, force them to change through loneliness and anxiety, and let those who can’t kill themselves off. That’s not the humanity I want to be a part of. We need to create physical groups to support autistic people and welcome them into society through acceptance and positive reinforcement, not fear and doubt. We need to support autistic adults and children as much as we support their families. It should be obvious that when a society is inclusive, isolation is minimized. Help autistic people feel accepted and supported. Difference is honorable and brave, and does not deserve disdain.

This month we celebrated autism awareness day. In America, we need to move past this. Society is aware of us, yet we still feel ignored. It’s time for Autism Acceptance.

The post Everybody Is Identical: a response to An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergian appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Someone you know nearly and dearly, this is a person who might mean the world to you; someone who you care about deeply, someone you would never want to see cry or feel pain.

Someone once wrote that “Depression is not a happenstance cut or opened scab; you cannot simply cover it with a band-aid, kiss the covered wound and say that ‘it’ll be okay.’ ” That person dealt with depression without even knowing it; being told that they weren’t really being serious when they cut open their arms. Someone who was called a number of inappropriate names for not “finishing the job.” At home or at school, at work or in public, this person wanted to vanish off the face of the planet, fearing that their life was not worth a dime.

You are reading in this article the words from a survivor: the scars on my body and my soul will never heal, but signify that life is worth more than you could ever imagine, which is more than all the money and love in the world. You are seeing the life of someone that was able to get the help they needed to realize their importance and tap into their full potential with the love and help from their friends.

The social cliches downplay the seriousness of intervention and assistance throughout constant media, and in this world in which we live there is a shadowy epidemic. Masculinity and stupidity walk hand-in-hand, as does the catty attitudes of numerous people who believe that depression is all in the mind, not worthy of proper attention such as in the cases of well-known maladies such as cancer. That is not to say that there are not any good people or causes that have broke their backs to save a life each day, and they are to be commended. They are the knights in shining armor, regardless of their vices or sins.

You can be one of them, and let me tell you why.

I always felt that whenever I talked about my feelings, people simply brushed it off and told me to toughen up, or signified that I should, judging from their glances, stances, or aloofness whenever I opened my mouth. “Since I am a man, I need to just tough it out, because I’ll be considered weak,” that’s how I took it, and that’s what lead to the deterioration of my self-respect, my self-esteem, and my will to live.

It takes only one person to tip the scales in or out of your favor. I was lucky, and I was saved. You know how? My friends listened, they let me speak whatever I needed to speak, and they let me cry. Yes, I was able to cry and be myself. They listened, and I realized that I needed help. I remember crying and saying “please help me, I need help.”

The next day, they walked with me to the local therapist, and I got the help I needed.

I implore all of you, any of you who know someone who suffers from depression -especially if they have autism- to sit them down and listen. Do not belittle them, do not doubt what thoughts could be swimming through their heads and treat them like adults. Let them speak, show them affection, and don’t, don’t, DON’T give up on these people.

I believe in them, and I believe in you, their saviors. Their friends, their loved ones.

Thank you for reading this all the way through, and thank you for never giving up.

The post An Open Letter to the Depressed Aspergians appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Don’t define yourself by Asperger’s. Because if you do, you’re going to be an empty freaking hole that no one wants to talk to. Ever.

People on the spectrum generally aren’t that approachable. It really differs for women and men though. I don’t have people chatting me up trying to be my friend. But I do get approached by guys. Which is a blessing and a curse. My boyfriend tells me that because guys hit on me I’ve had more social exposure and therefore more of an opportunity to develop social skills. I should feel lucky. I guess I do. But eventually my looks are going to fade and I’m going to have to get by in life based on something else.

If you’re a woman on the spectrum and you feel like that’s literally the ONLY REASON anybody talks to you, you might take that even harder than most women. You want a nice guy who’s going to like you for your other qualities too.

If you’re a man, then not only do you have to keep your partner around, but you have to get her (or him) hooked to begin with. A lot of the guys in my support group sit around bitching about how they can’t get women. They blame women for this. They hate women because women won’t have sex with them, and women won’t have sex with them because they don’t have anything to offer. You do not deserve sex for existing.

For both sexes: figure out what you have to offer in a relationship before thinking about what other people can do for you.

You might have to approach this more carefully than other people. If you’re a woman you have to keep your safety in mind. Frankly, if you’re a man you do too. Make sure she isn’t involved with some guy who’s going to kick your ass.

Also, try to figure out if the person you like is patient. Look for clues. You’ll find them in everything somebody says. I went out on a few dates with an orderly in a mental hospital. He talked about the patients like they were a joke. He didn’t seem to have thought about what it must be like to not be able to tell what’s real and what isn’t. Someone like that probably won’t have the patience to deal with you.

If she’s irritable, no. If he’s one of those people you can’t say anything to without worrying if you’ll piss him off, hell no. We don’t work well with touchy people. You can have a fling with whoever you want, but long term you’re going to have to date defensively.

I would say look for common interests. But it’s more complicated than that. When most people say that they mean look for someone in your psychology class. Find someone at a craft beer meetup. Those are good tips, but there’s no guarantee that you’ll find a relationship that way. A lot of the time the best person for you is someone you might not have that much in common with outwardly. If you feel comfortable with someone, that’s the most important thing. Go from there. My guy and I don’t have many similar interests. But we both have great taste in food. Which is a pretty big deal actually. Most people don’t. We try new restaurants all the time together. It’s a quiet and wonderful routine. Look for things you have in common once you’ve established a good rapport.

And watch your boundaries. I for one have always had problems with that. I’ve spent my whole life telling people too much too soon and it never fails to make them uncomfortable. The worst is when I meet some socially gifted person who just seems really open and accepting and they really seem to get me. I’m thrilled about it and I end up telling them everything. But whenever I do that, the relationship or friendship burns out.

Oversharing puts expectations on the other person that they’re probably not ready to fill. They don’t want to feel like they have to save you from yourself right away. They might feel like you expect them to reciprocate with their own information when they don’t want to yet. Laying yourself out like that also gives the other person all of the power. You don’t want to do that, do you?

I think people with Asperger’s are prone to falling madly in love immediately. That’s because 1.) someone is paying far more attention to us than we’re used to; and 2.) We’re kind of empty. When you have trouble with empathy it’s like you have this gaping emotional hole at your core. When someone fills that void (emotionally you pervs!) you get pretty obsessed.

It’s a tough balancing act, I know. I know how hard it is to open up to people. And I know that, in the long run, it’s the healthiest thing we can do. But hold back for a while okay?

Okay, so you’ve sufficiently proven yourself worthy, developed a rapport, and withheld your desperation efficiently enough to get a commitment. You’re going through the honeymoon period. Now you’re thinking more long-term. Now’s the time you need to set your own boundaries. You need to make sure you have your own space.You might want to see your partner every second at first. But eventually you’re probably going to need more time alone than most people because you have Asperger’s. You need more time to gather your thoughts. You might even end up wanting your own room if you have the money. It’s not as weird as you think. Neurotypicals do it too. What do you think a “study” or a “den” is?

And finally, don’t let your partner change you. For every stubborn aspie douchebag there’s probably two who are desperate enough to give up most things to keep someone. Don’t. If you’re a woman, a shady partner will try to isolate you from your friends before he does God knows what else. If you’re a man, she might do that too. Or she’ll try to make you play less videogames and read less Jabba the Hutt fanfic so you can “be a man.” Fuck that. Do what you want.

Compromise is tough for everybody. It’s even harder for us. Everything about a relationship is a balancing act and a lot of us are all-or-nothing people. Make sure you communicate well enough with your partner to address both of your needs. Explain to them why you’re withdrawing when you need time alone. Let them know that you might have some funny habits so they won’t be completely shocked later on.

I’m not sure when you’re supposed to tell them you’re on the spectrum. That’s different for everybody. But certainly don’t wait until after you’re married. Someone I heard about did that and it’s isn’t turning out well. It might not seem fair that the onus is on you to explain everything. But you don’t have to really. Once you say you have Asperger’s, your partner’s expectations should be a little bit different.

I’m not really the person to ask about that though. My partner has Asperger’s too. I haven’t gotten through more than a month with a non-autistic person because of my repetitive speech and behavior. And I know I can’t hold it back. I’d never want to have to live that way.

Again, the most important thing is that you feel comfortable around your partner. You don’t want to feel like a prisoner in your own house, trying to restrain your quirks at all times so that your partner can tolerate you. Accepting partners are out there. Asperger’s and neurotypical. They’ll fall in love with your wit and your brains and your candor. Those are the best traits for anyone to have.

The post 9 Guidelines For Dating With Asperger’s appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Take charge of social situations.  Social interactions are shaped by both participants.  If someone is being grumpy, be kind to them.   How the other person acts does not determine how you act and there is no rule that one must follow the other’s lead.  Stay true to yourself.

Listen and think about what the other has said.  There is a pressure to respond quickly in conversation; resist it.  Often it is hard to understand the context.  This can lead to an inappropriate response.  If you’ve got nothing to say or need more time, try repeating what the other has said in a different way.  This can result in the other revealing more information which can help you to contextualize their comment.

Don’t be afraid of disagreement.  People are not always going to see things the way you do.  You don’t need to convince them otherwise.   It’s okay, their differing view does not invalidate your experience.

Keep in mind that you never really know what’s going on in someone’s mind.  Don’t behave as though you do.  Respond to the other’s words,  rather then trying to figure out any hidden meanings.  That’s not to say there aren’t hidden meanings, just that you don’t have to figure them out.   You can try, but you may get it wrong and that could lead you further down the path of miscommunication.

Verbal interactions can be overwhelming.  There is so much going on in even a casual exchange.  It can take me hours or even days to understand the true implications of a conversation.  That’s not something the will change, but these strategies have helped me cope.

The post Coping with Conversation appeared first on Wrong Planet.

First, we are not stupid. We also are not trying to be difficult when we say we don’t understand you. We don’t have a disease, and the vast majority of us would refuse a “cure,” if one were discovered, for such a development would be seen by many of us, myself included, as an attempt to commit genocide. Like other groups of people, we want to stay alive, as individuals, and as a culture.

We are, however, different from most people. Our brains are hard-wired in ways that are not typical, with the result that we do not think in the same manner as others. These differences give us certain advantages which we value, but the trade-off comes in the form of problems involving communication with non-Aspies. You can see this in fiction, to get used to the way we think, simply by watching (or reading) Star Trek stories which feature Vulcans, or the android named Data. The difficulties those characters have, when trying to communicate with the humans they encounter, are very much like what happens when Aspies and non-Aspies attempt communication. Why is this the case? The answer is simple:  Star Trek was written that way.

Here are some specific questions, and phrases, which many Aspies find particularly baffling. In each case, I will attempt to explain why this is so.

1. “Who do you think you are?” — Ask an Aspie this question, and you’re likely to simply be given his or her name, in response. Apparently, this offends some people, but please don’t ask me why, for I don’t understand it myself. If a person were to ask me this question, my first guess would be that the questioner simply forgot my name, and needs a reminder. The meaning of volume, voice tone, and body language are mysteries to us. Sometimes we can figure out these mysteries, but it doesn’t happen automatically — we have to reason our way through it, and that takes time, especially for nuances of communication which are based on emotions.

2. “What do you think you’re doing?” — My likely response to this question would be an honest one:  “I’m trying to understand what you’re saying, but it doesn’t seem to be working very well.” However, that’s an answer from an Aspie in his fifth decade of trying to understand other people, so I’ve had a lot of practice. An Aspie teenager, in school, might simply say, “I’m walking to class,” “I’m taking notes,” or something like that, and then get in trouble for “backtalk,” as it is called — when the student was simply answering the question, without intending any disrespect whatsoever. Whatever answer this confusing question gets, from one of us, that answer will be both literal, and honest. It is not in our nature to lie, but it is definitely in our nature to think, listen, speak, read, and write literally, and logically.

3. “Do that again!” / “Say that again!” — If we have done or said something which you don’t like, and you actually don’t want to witness a rerun, why would you demand one? We think, speak, and interpret what we hear in terms of the actual words which are spoken. There’s nothing wrong with thinking literally, and, frankly, it puzzles us why so many of you think in other ways, so much of the time. If you ask for, or demand, a repeat performance of something you didn’t like, from one of us, you’re quite likely to get one — and then you’ll get angrier, we’ll get even more confused, and absolutely nothing of value will have been accomplished. If, on the other hand, you refrain from using “x” to mean “not x” (since it doesn’t), and simply tell us exactly what you mean, communication will become much easier, for all concerned.

4. “Don’t get technical with me!” — As far as I can tell, this means that the speaker wants us to refrain from choosing our words with precision, but I could be wrong, for this is the most baffling item on this list, so far. Clarity of language is desirable, for it facilitates communication, and sometimes, technical terms are needed for this purpose. I don’t know what to suggest as a substitute for this phrase, since I don’t understand it, but I can assure you that using it, with an Aspie, is a complete waste of your time.

5. “What’s wrong with you?” — This is another baffling question. If asked very loudly, the most likely answers Aspies will give are “I have a headache,” or perhaps “Sudden-onset tinnitus,” with the cause, in each case, being simple:  from our point of view, the questioner is trying to deafen us, by yelling things which make no sense (at any volume). Do you like being shouted at, from close range? No? Well then, this is one way that we aren’t so different from non-Aspies, for we don’t like it either. Also:  it’s quite likely that we don’t see anything wrong with us at all, for, in this situation, we are not the ones shouting nonsense-questions, so you might even get this response:  “Nothing. What’s wrong withyou?” In such a situation, that isn’t backtalk — it’s a perfectly legitimate question, and we are not responsible for any emotion-laden, irrational response the non-Aspie questioner might display.

6. “I need this done yesterday!” — Many of us can explain, in detail, why time travel into the past is not permitted by the laws of physics, as they are currently understood. Those who request, or demand, reverse-time-travel, from an Aspie, should not be surprised to hear such an explanation. Ask us to flap our arms and fly, and the response will likely be similar.

I could give more examples, but I think the point has been made. We aren’t all alike, so the examples of hypothetical responses I gave, above, will vary from one Aspie to another. What isn’t likely to vary, though, is the confusion each of us experiences when things are said to us which make no sense, if interpreted literally. That’s the key to communicating with us:  when we hear something, we automatically use logic, and rational thought, to attempt to understand the literal meaning of what has been said to us. For many of us, that is the only meaning we can understand.

In my case (and probably in the cases of at least some other Aspies), this goes a little further: rational, literal, and logical interpretations of language are the only ones I want to understand. This is a self-protection mechanism, for the idea of losing even part of my ability to think clearly, and rationally, is extremely frightening to me. To pour a lot of effort into trying to think in non-Aspie ways, I fear, could damage my mind — if, that is, I was successful in the attempt. I don’t want to risk turning into a person who considers “x” and “not x” to be interchangeable, for one doesn’t equal negative one. To change, in this way, would effectively kill the person I am. It wouldn’t stop my heart from beating, of course, but some things are even worse than physical death. If such a change ever happened, I would look the same, and would have the same legal name, but I would no longer be RobertLovesPi. It makes perfect sense for me to be absolutely unwilling to risk something so dangerous.

In addition to the central importance of the fact that we think in literal terms, while others often don’t, Aspies have some other difficulties (or the rest of the world does, depending on your point of view). I attempted to describe these difficulties, which involve coping with the emotionalism and irrationality of numerous other people, in the examples of confusing phrases and questions given above. Emotionalism and irrationality are, to us, severe impediments to understanding anything, and we live our lives in a state of near-constant bombardment from both, since Aspies are outnumbered by non-Aspies by a huge margin. On this planet, to borrow a book title from Robert Heinlein, I live my life as a “stranger in a strange land.” I know that many other Aspies see life in a similar way, for that idea is embedded in the name of the largest online community created by and for Aspies, as well as others on the autism spectrum:  www.wrongplanet.net. If you are curious about how other Aspies view the things I have described above, or if you are, yourself, an Aspie in need of an temporary escape from social interaction with non-Aspies, you can find a great many of us at that website. (Also, if you want to find me there, just search for me, using the name of this blog — my not-at-all-secret identity, all over the Internet.)

[Note: this was originally posted on my personal blog, http://www.robertlovespi.wordpress.com, on 24 August 2014. The target audience for this post is non-Aspies, but those with Asperger’s may find it interesting as well. Other posts on the same blog, related to Asperger’s, may be found at https://robertlovespi.wordpress.com/category/aspergers/. Most of the rest of my blog is devoted to my special interest — esoteric topics in geometry, especially polyhedra.]

The post Six phrases and questions likely to confuse people with Asperger’s. appeared first on Wrong Planet.

From doctor’s surgeries to train stations to offices, it’s no great shock to learn that many places people with autism have to visit are not autism-friendly.

There have, of course, been big campaigns about this – and people are taking notice. Social institutions, from museums to theatres, have been applying for Autism Access Awards or putting on autism-friendly performances.

This means that people with autism are now able to access lots of places in the same way as neurotypical people are. Of course, it’s a shame that we even have to see this as a victory, when it should be common practice – but it’s a battle that autism campaigns and charities are winning, steadily and surely.

But something that we talk about much less are autism-friendly social spaces for older teenagers and adults. It might now be easier to go to necessary places, like doctor’s offices or workplaces, but there are precious few dedicated spaces that adults with autism can go in order to relax, socialise, see a band, and have a few drinks (if they like).

So we urgently need to create fun, social environments that have the needs of adults with autism as a starting point, not an afterthought. It’s crucial that people with autism live the lives they choose – not the lives chosen for them – and having the choice to go to a gig or a social event is a really important part of that.

That’s why The National Autistic Society is organising some brand new events with this purpose in mind.

Firstly, we have Unplugged for Autism – a great rock and indie gig featuring a solo set from Gaz Coombes, the lead singer of Supergrass, and a special unplugged set from White Lies. We also have some brilliant songs from two young musicians with autism, Ed Goodale and Sam Cooper. The whole evening is autism-friendly: all of the acts except one are acoustic, the lighting is very simple with no strobes or light shows, and the venue has plenty of spaces to relax in, including a roof terrace and private boxes.

Tom Wakley, an NAS volunteer working on the Unplugged for Autism event, said the event was hugely important for him and other people with autism because “events like this help us learn how to cope, how to deal with life, and how not to feel exposed and unsure”.

Unplugged for Autism takes place on 15 December at KOKO in Camden – you can buy tickets here: www.autism.org.uk/unpluggedforautism

 But as well as events like this, we want to make sure that people with autism are at the heart of the fun, autism-friendly events we put on. So we’ve also been working on AutismCon – a fun, day-long cultural festival that has been organised by a team of adults with autism.

 The day is all about celebrating the special interests and talents of people with autism. With talks on many different topics from science-fiction to music, the London Underground to meditation, there will be something for everyone. We will also welcome many popular cultural figures with autism, including the X Factor’s Lauren Lovejoy and Menswe@r lead singer Johnny Dean.

 AutismCon takes place on 17 January 2015 in Conway Hall, London, and tickets are available here: www.autism.org.uk/autismcon

 We look forward to seeing you at both events, and hope you agree with us on their importance!

The post Autism-friendly events for adults and why they matter appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Obviously, with me being from the very small country of Denmark, many of our traditions will have small differences in how they are celebrated, even if they are mostly the same. And aside from that, every family has their own little quirks, so things that will work in one, might not in another.

However, one of the things I hear from many people on the spectrum, and have had trouble dealing with, as well, is family holidays. Christmas being the big one. Here in Denmark, many families have different celebrations to go to every day from Dec. 23rd to Dec. 26th. And being social for that amount of days can tire out even a super social non-autistic person, but for us, people with any level of autism, it can be torture if you do not have the right tools and the proper understanding from the people around you. Some of these points will require others to co-operate with you, others you can do on your own.

Also, normally, I would have a whole other point about buying presents, but it’s so close to Christmas now that the advice is very late indeed, so I will not bother you with it this time. Instead, I’ll go for things that are relevant to the Christmas-days themselves.

1. If your family is understanding of how you feel and who you are (including your autism), make agreements with them, to ensure less stress. For example: If you live nearby (or it’s in your house), agree on a time where you can leave the party. (In your house, it would just be going to your room and closing the door, but it’s good to have an agreement about it, so no one gets angry.) If it’s somewhere else, perhaps the host has a room where you can go to be by yourself. Make these agreements beforehand, and remember to thank people for helping you with this. (They will be more likely to continue doing it.)

2. Some families want everyone to eat a bit of everything. And many of us have sensory issues with certain textures of food, or the smell of certain things, or, like everyone else, there are things we simply don’t like the taste of. It may be possible to get around tasting everything by saying things like: “I just really like [insert name of dish on the table you like the most] and I want to have room for as much of it as I can.” “If I eat any more, there won’t be room for dessert…” (Add a polite smile to each of these.) However, if possible, make an agreement about this as well, so any discussion can be avoided.

3. Don’t discuss politics. Ever. And don’t discuss religion either, if there are any major differences. Again, this is to avoid drama. There are plenty of other days in the year to discuss these topics, but they are topics that can make any family gathering unbearable.

4. If you get presents that you actually don’t like, you should try to express gratitude anyway. If this is difficult, try thinking about it this way (even if you know with certainty that it is not true): “This person got me this gift with the intention of making me happy, and even if the gift could be a lot better, I should be happy for the intention.” It takes a while to succeed in faking happiness, but for a family gathering, it can help to avoid situations with anger and sadness.

5. Excusing yourself to go to the bathroom can give you 5 minutes (more or less) to get away from the party. Use this time to try to empty your mind, and breathe. Think of it as a reset button. Even if you know you can leave at any time, this can still be a necessary thing to do, so don’t feel bad if you need a breather once in a while.

I know that not everyone will benefit from these tools, but I hope they can be of use to some of you, at least.

I wish you all the best in the holiday season, and hope you get into the new year with lots of hope and joy!

The post 5 tools to get through Christmas (and other family holidays) appeared first on Wrong Planet.

Here’s an excerpt from Pulitzer Prize winning NY Times reporter Amy Harmon’s new ebook, “Asperger Love” that profiles Wrong Planet’s “Autism Talk TV” co-hosts Jack Robison and Kirsten Lindsmith.

The first night he slept with her, entwined with her on his futon, Jack Robison regarded Kirsten Lindsmith with undisguised tenderness. She was the only girl to have ever asked questions about his obsessive interests—chemistry, libertarian politics, the small drone aircraft he was building in his kitchen—as though she actually cared to hear his answer.

To Jack, who was 19 and has a form of autism sometimes called Asperger syndrome, her mind was uncannily like his. She was also, he thought, beautiful. So far, they had only cuddled; Jack had hopes for something more. Yet when she smiled at him the next morning, her lips seeking his, he turned away. “I don’t really like kissing,” he said. Kirsten drew back. If he knew she was disappointed, he showed no sign.

On that fall day, Kirsten, an 18-year-old college freshman, did not know that someone as intelligent and articulate as Jack might be unable to read the feelings of others, or gauge the impact of his words. Only later would she recognize that her own lifelong troubles—bullying by fellow students, anger from teachers and emotional meltdowns beyond her power to control—were clues that she, too, occupied a spot on what is known as the autism spectrum.

Still, she found comfort in Jack’s lack of artifice. If he did not always say what she wanted to hear, she knew that whatever he did say, he meant. After he dropped her off on campus that morning, she reread an e-mail he had sent, describing their brief courtship with characteristic forthrightness.

“The past few days have been breathtaking,” he began. . .

To continue reading, download the ebook!

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