Monty Python: Favorite Movies/Quotes

Post Reply New Topic

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.... Our *four*...no... *Amongst* our weapons.... Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in again."

"It's not pinin', it's passed on! This parrot is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired and gone to meet its may-kar! This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace, if you hadn't nailed it to the perch it would be pushing up the daisies! It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisibule! This is an ex-parrot!"

Silly Walks Director: I mean, the left leg isn't silly at all and the right leg merely does a four dare O'Brian half turn every alternate step.

Silly Walks Applicant: Yes, but I feel with a federal grant I could make it a lot more silly.

"But I don't want any of that..."

"What is the average airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?"

"Right!"

"Yes, yes, you are the Messiah! I should know. After all, I've followed a few..."

Mr. Barnard: Don't give me that, you snorty-faced pair of parrot droppings! Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type
make me puke, you vacuous ---- stuffing old malodrious pervert!
Customer: Listen, I came here for an argument!
Mr. Barnard: Oh, oh, I'm sorry, but this is Abuse!

Well done, Karl! One final question, and that beautiful non-materialistic lounge suite will be
yours! Ready, Karl? You're a brave man. Your final question: Who won the English Football Cup in 1949?
Karl Marx: Uhuh, the workers' control of means of production? The-the struggle of the urban proletariat?
Eric Idle: Uh, no, it was Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Lester 3-1.

"And now for something completely different."

Being an accountant I always found the constant slagging of accountants thorought the series/movies hillarious
the best being the stetch where an accountant goes to a carears advisor wanting to become a lion tamer

"This demonstrates the value of not being seen."

My favorite is "And Now For Something Completely Different":

Hungarian man: Ah... my hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: What?
Hungarian man: My hovercraft is full of eels.
Tobacconist: Matches?
Hungarian man: Ya ya! Do you want... do you want... to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?
Tobacconist: That will be six shillings, please.
Hungarian man: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me... I am no longer infected.

Sergeant-Major: Right! Stop that! It's SILLY. Very SILLY indeed! Started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men, but now it's just got SILLY! His hair's too long for a vicar, too, and you can tell those are not proper keep-left signs! CLEAR OUT, THE LOT OF YOU!

Soldiers (Acting incredibly gay): Ooh get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. OOOOH!
Sergeant-Major: [walks on] Right now! Stop that! Silly. And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon.

Bevis: Yes! A lumberjack! Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! The smell of fresh cut timber! The giant redwood! The larch! The fir! The mighty Scots pine! With my best girlie by my side, we'd sing... sing... sing!
[sings]
Bevis: I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK/I sleep all night and I work all day.
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, I go to the lavatory/On Wednesdays I go shopping and have buttered scones for tea.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, he goes to the lavatory/On Wednesdays he goes shopping and has buttered scones for tea./He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wildflowers/I put on women's clothing and hang around in bars.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, he likes to press widlflowers.
[uneasily]
Mounties Chorus: He puts on... women's... clothing? And hangs around... in... bars?
[bright as ever]
Mounties Chorus: He's a lumberjack and he's OK/He sleeps all night and he works all day.
Bevis: I cut down trees, I wear high heels, suspenders and a bra/I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa.
Mounties Chorus: He cuts down trees, he wears... high... heels? Suspenders? And a... bra? Ugghhh...
[they storm off]
Bevis: I wish I'd been a girlie, just like my dear papa!
Best Girl: Oh, Bevis! And I though you were so butch!

"We are the knights who say Ni!"

"Oh no! I said it! I said it again! That's three 'its'! WAAK!"

"Let the Heathens spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God will make them pay
For each sperm that can't be found."

"Don't just stand there gawping, like you've never seen the hand of God before!!"

"You Englishmen, you're all so f---ing pompous. None of you have got any balls."

From the Hungarian Phrasebook skit from Flying Circus:

"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? I am no longer infected."

"Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait til lunchtime"

"My nipples explode with delight"

"Do you want to come to my place, bouncy, bouncy"

Tim

Monty Python and A Little Bit of Fry and laurie are my favorite sketch shows.

ROBIN:
What's he do, nibble your bum?
TIM:
He's got huge, sharp-- eh-- he can leap about-- look at the bones!
ARTHUR:
Go on, Bors. Chop his head off!
BORS:
Right! Silly little bleeder. One rabbit stew comin' right up!
TIM:
Look!
[squeak]

BORS:
Aaaugh!
[dramatic chord]

[clunk]
ARTHUR:
Jesus Christ!
TIM:
I warned you!
ROBIN:
I done it again!
TIM:
I warned you, but did you listen to me? Oh, no, you knew it all, didn't you? Oh, it's just a harmless little bunny, isn't it? Well, it's always the same. I always tell them--
ARTHUR:
Oh, shut up!
TIM:
Do they listen to me?
ARTHUR:
Right!

TIM:
Oh, no...

KNIGHTS:
Charge!
[squeak squeak squeak]

KNIGHTS:
Aaaaugh!, Aaaugh!, etc.
ARTHUR:
Run away! Run away!
KNIGHTS:
Run away! Run away!...
TIM:
Ha ha ha ha! Ha haw haw! Ha! Ha ha!

Mrs Bun: Have you got anything without Spam?
Waitress: Well, Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam; that's not got much Spam in it.
Mrs Bun: I don't want any Spam!
Mr Bun: Why can't she have egg, bacon, Spam, and sausage?
Mrs Bun: That's got Spam in it!
Mr Bun: Not as much as Spam, egg, sausage, and Spam,
Mrs. Bun: Look, could I have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, without the Spam?
Waitress: Bleurgh!
Mrs. Bun: What do you mean "Ugh?" I don't like Spam!
Vikings: [singing] Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam... Lovely Spam! Wonderful Spam!
Waitress: You can't have egg, bacon, Spam and sausage without the Spam.
Mrs. Bun: Why not?!
Waitress: Well, it wouldn't be egg, bacon, Spam and sausage, would it?
Mrs. Bun: I DON'T LIKE SPAM!
Mr. Bun: No need to kick up a fuss, dear; I'll have your Spam. I love it! I'm having Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, baked beans, Spam, Spam, Spam and Spam!
Waitress: Baked beans are off.
Mr. Bun: In that case, can I have Spam instead?
Waitress: You mean Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, and Spam?
Mr. Bun: Yes!
Waitress: Bleurgh!

Flying Circus sketch:

Military Officer: "And to think that to defend all of this I had both my legs blown off!"

Enlisted Man: "What? You still have both your legs."

Military Officer: "I was speaking metaphorically, you fool."

"Look out, there are llamas!"

"Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song which you have just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites. Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.) P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times."

"From now on I want to be known as Loretta."

"He's not the Messiah, he's a very naughty boy!"

"Because every sperm is sacred...." Yeah, that lovely song from The Meaning Of Life.

It's a Mr. Death or something, he's come about the reaping!"