Mitch Hedberg's Official Site
“I saw a lady with a flower and she was plucking out the peddles. She was saying, ‘He loves me, he loves me not.’ Thank god the flower can’t talk. What would it say? <Bleep>, that hurts. <Bleep>, that hurts as well. <Bleep>, leave me alone…I’m no longer pretty, and he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals.” -Mitch Hedberg
“I think they can take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn’t even care. I can’t imagine five years from now saying, ‘Damn…remember sesame seeds. What happened? All the buns are blank.’ They’re gonna have to change that McDonald’s song. Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, on a…bun. How does the sesame seed stick to the bun? That’s <bleeping> magical. There’s got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they’re adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, and place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular. What does a sesame seed grow into? I don’t know. We never give them the chance. What the <bleep> is a sesame? It’s a street. It’s a way to open <bleep>.” -Mitch Hedberg
“Do you think that when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong a blacklight popped up over his head.” -Mitch Hedberg
"I get the Reese's candy bar. If you read that name Reese's...that's an apostrophe 's'. Reese's...apostrophe 's' on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I did not know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar and a guy named Reese comes by and says, 'Let me have that!", you better hand it over. I'm sorry Reese, I didn't think I would ever run into you. You're a <bleeping> bully man. Let me at least have a piece." -Mitch Hedberg
"The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate. That's a clever chocolate saving technique. I go down to factory, 'You owe me some letters!'" -Mitch Hedberg
"Spaghetti is great when you’re hungry and want 1,000 of something!" -Mitch Hedberg
“Acid was my favorite drug, because acid would open up my mind. Because of acid I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the <bullbleep>. When I was on acid I would see things…like beams of light, and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful like car horns. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because when you’re in the woods tripping there is less likely a chance you will run into an authority figure…but we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzz kill. My friend Dwayne was standing there raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and he put his arm around my shoulders and said, ‘Mitch, Smokey is way more intense in person. He’s an a**hole.’
I went to England to tell jokes, and wanted to tell the Smokey the Bear joke in England, so I had to ask the English if they know who Smokey the Bear was, but they don’t. Because in England, Smokey the Bear is not the Forest Fire Prevention Representative. They have Smackie the Frog. It’s just like a bear, but it’s a frog. I think that’s a better system and we should adopt it, because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping towards me and I thought man, I better play dead...here comes that frog. I’d never say, ‘Here comes that frog,’ in a nervous manner. It’s always optimistic like, ‘Hey, here comes that frog…alright.’ Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him and put him a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf to recreate what he is used to. I will certainly have to punch some holes in the lid, ‘cause he’s damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him. He won’t be doing much in his 16 oz. world.
I like to talk about the differences between frogs and bears. When there’s a frog around I don’t have to hang my sandwiches from a branch. A frog knows they are for me. He’d rather have a fly, ‘cause a fly zigzags and my sandwiches do not. Unless I go like this. When I want some honey on some toast I don’t have to squeeze a plastic frog.” -Mitch Hedberg
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it." -Mitch Hedberg
"This shirt is dry clean only, which means...it's dirty." -Mitch Hedberg
"Rice is great...when you are hungry and want 1,000 of something." -Mitch Hedberg
"If you are flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit." -Mitch Hedberg
"My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana and I said no, but I wanted a regular banana later, so...yeah!" -Mitch Hedberg
"I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over I guess he would be comfortable. Oh…you're a king you say. Well you won't believe what I have in store for you. It fits to your exact specifications. I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up too!" -Mitch Hedberg
"When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was." -Mitch Hedberg
"I had a Mr. Pibb. Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr. Pepper, but it's the BS replica because the dude didn't even get his degree. Why'd you have to drop out and start making pop so soon?" -Mitch Hedberg
"Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the oceans would be loud as <bleep>. You wouldn't want to submerge your head. Nothing but fish going ahh <bleep>...I thought I looked like that rock." -Mitch Hedberg
"I was going to get my teeth whitened, but decided to get a tan instead." -Mitch Hedberg
"I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but it’s under control. If the tartar gets out of line, it's like, c'mon man…you know the deal. Fall in…you crazy ass tartar." -Mitch Hedberg
"If you get lost in the woods...<bleep> it, build a house. Well…I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament." -Mitch Hedberg
"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going so I can hook up with them later." -Mitch Hedberg
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I won?t tell anyone else how to be
You can be yourself, but just let me be me
21 May 2007, 2:37 pm
