I hate when people recommend stuff to me

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tb86
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21 Oct 2020, 7:40 am

Whenever there is a new tv show or movie people sometimes say “you need to watch this”, “you should watch this”, “you have to watch this” and that kind of bothers me. Why would I want to watch that particular show or movie? Why would I be interested in that kind of thing? Maybe I’m not that interested, maybe I don’t want to watch that. It just feels so forced to me for them to say have, should or need. I don’t have or need to watch or not watch anything I want. There are a lot of tv shows and movies that are old, new, ongoing, popular, are considered the greatest thing of all time that I have missed out on for multiple reasons. I’m not interested in their subject matter, I don’t feel like it, they might deal with subject matters I can’t deal with, I forget they exist, I probably prefer to rewatch old stuff I like. But really it’s because people keep recommending them to me and it feels so forced that I’m kind of put off by it. I might be kind of a hypocrite for saying all this because I think in the past I have recommended stuff to other people but I have been trying not to recently and if someone says they don’t wanna watch a show or movie despite liking something then I will say nothing and respect his or her decision. Honestly I don’t think I would mind people recommending something to me if they say “if you want” or if you are interested”. Another reason I can think of to not watch recommended shows and movies is that I sometimes suffer from intrusive thoughts and I’m afraid some of those movies and shows are gonna put those thoughts into my head.



AuroraBorealisGazer
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21 Oct 2020, 9:49 am

I feel the same way. I stubbornly refuse to watch shows that have a lot of hype and people telling me to watch them. I think it started unconsciously, but now I'm pretty defiant about it. Besides, many of the shows that get a ton of hype that I've seen were really overrated.



Fnord
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21 Oct 2020, 10:11 am

tb86 wrote:
Whenever there is a new tv show or movie people sometimes say "you need to watch this", "you should watch this", "you have to watch this" and that kind of bothers me...
While I do not mind suggestions, it's these imperatives people use (i.e., "must", "need", "should", et cetera) as presumptive impositions of their will upon mine that make their suggestions offensive.



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21 Oct 2020, 11:50 am

Fnord wrote:
tb86 wrote:
Whenever there is a new tv show or movie people sometimes say "you need to watch this", "you should watch this", "you have to watch this" and that kind of bothers me...
While I do not mind suggestions, it's these imperatives people use (i.e., "must", "need", "should", et cetera) as presumptive impositions of their will upon mine that make their suggestions offensive.


Me too.

I'm feeling weird now cos I'm going back to watching a lot of shows that used to be popular and wondering if that's ok or not to join so late in the game.

Entertainment shouldn't feel like that.

What I hate is when I say 'I'm watching so and so' and someone says 'that's a bad show' or 'that's rubbish'. I've stopped commenting the precise show cos I'm met with that reply then it puts me off the show & I start seeing all its flaws.


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Lunella
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21 Oct 2020, 12:24 pm

They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you. If anything that is actually a massively positive thing. Having people care enough about you to mention stuff like that means they want you to watch it because they know small things about your personality and think you might like it. It's just a friendly nice thing to do.

They are trying to connect with you, just be nice back in a positive way and your friendships with people will grow.


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Fnord
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21 Oct 2020, 12:48 pm

Lunella wrote:
They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you...
OR, they think so little of you that they feel the need to control your life for you by telling you what you HAVE to do, what you NEED to do, and what you SHOULD do.

A person who truly cared about you would word their advice in the form of a suggestion. It might benefit you to remember this.



Lunella
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21 Oct 2020, 12:53 pm

Fnord wrote:
Lunella wrote:
They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you...
OR, they think so little of you that they feel the need to control your life for you by telling you what you HAVE to do, what you NEED to do, and what you SHOULD do.

A person who truly cared about you would word their advice in the form of a suggestion. It might benefit you to remember this.


You know what you should do, chill your beans. :lol:

I disagree anyway. Most people mean well when they recommend stuff. If the person is an a***hole then you should have already figured this out by their other actions and then you would know it isn't a genuine recommendation it's someone literally being a control freak.


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Steve1963
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21 Oct 2020, 12:57 pm

Lunella wrote:
You know what you should do, chill your beans. :lol:

I disagree anyway. Most people mean well when they recommend stuff. If the person is an a***hole then you should have already figured this out by their other actions and then you would know it isn't a genuine recommendation it's someone literally being a control freak.

lol

yeah, I don't take someone too literally when they say you HAVE to watch so and so. I just take it as them really liking it and thinking I will too...certainly not trying to control my life



Fnord
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21 Oct 2020, 12:59 pm

Lunella wrote:
Fnord wrote:
Lunella wrote:
They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you...
OR, they think so little of you that they feel the need to control your life for you by telling you what you HAVE to do, what you NEED to do, and what you SHOULD do.  A person who truly cared about you would word their advice in the form of a suggestion. It might benefit you to remember this.
You know what you should do, chill your beans...
Thank you for supporting my premise.



Lunella
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21 Oct 2020, 1:06 pm

Steve1963 wrote:
Lunella wrote:
You know what you should do, chill your beans. :lol:

I disagree anyway. Most people mean well when they recommend stuff. If the person is an a***hole then you should have already figured this out by their other actions and then you would know it isn't a genuine recommendation it's someone literally being a control freak.

lol

yeah, I don't take someone too literally when they say you HAVE to watch so and so. I just take it as them really liking it and thinking I will too...certainly not trying to control my life


pretty much :mrgreen:

I think worst case scenario you get the odd few muppets who think they're the dogs bollocks cause their ego is that broken and end up telling you to do stuff when really all you have to do is say you don't like that type of stuff then they leave you alone.


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KT67
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21 Oct 2020, 1:12 pm

Should is a rude word.

For most things.

Nts throw it about cos they don't think about the meanings of words properly. Or tend not to anyway.

We ought to not use this as an excuse to be imprecise ourselves.

It's easy to reword it.

Polite, non forceful, recommendations include 'I enjoyed ... perhaps you would too?' or 'I noticed ... it has ... elements that you like, maybe you would like to check it out?' or 'did you know your favourite actor is in ...?'

The words maybe and perhaps allow for more freedom than words like 'should' and esp words like 'must'.

Reserve words like 'should' for moral judgements. Words like 'must' for moral judgements or safety advice. You must wear a seatbelt in a car. You shouldn't watch horror movies around little kids.

I'm lucky that the only people who would recommend things to me and know me well enough know that this is an annoying habit that actually puts people off doing it. They just mention things they've watched and if I fancy it, sometimes I watch it too.

Me and my cousin do exchange books. With books this usually works well. With TV it works really badly - she's NT and used the 'you should' with me and I ended up watching Normal People and feeling guilty over stopping doing so cos it was so boring and nuanced and NT.


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Fnord
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21 Oct 2020, 1:50 pm

KT67 wrote:
Should is a rude word.

For most things.

Nts throw it about cos they don't think about the meanings of words properly. Or tend not to anyway.

We ought to not use this as an excuse to be imprecise ourselves.

It's easy to reword it.

Polite, non forceful, recommendations include 'I enjoyed ... perhaps you would too?' or 'I noticed ... it has ... elements that you like, maybe you would like to check it out?' or 'did you know your favourite actor is in ...?'

The words maybe and perhaps allow for more freedom than words like 'should' and esp words like 'must'.

Reserve words like 'should' for moral judgements. Words like 'must' for moral judgements or safety advice. You must wear a seatbelt in a car. You shouldn't watch horror movies around little kids.

I'm lucky that the only people who would recommend things to me and know me well enough know that this is an annoying habit that actually puts people off doing it. They just mention things they've watched and if I fancy it, sometimes I watch it too.

Me and my cousin do exchange books. With books this usually works well. With TV it works really badly - she's NT and used the 'you should' with me and I ended up watching Normal People and feeling guilty over stopping doing so cos it was so boring and nuanced and NT.
Thank you for supporting my premise.  Placing an imperative clause on someone else as a "suggestion" is both rude and presumptive.

The only exceptions are related to matters of personal health and safety -- "You SHOULD give up smoking", "You NEED to see a doctor about that cough", or "You MUST tell your children you have cancer."



uncommondenominator
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21 Oct 2020, 3:18 pm

While I respect your position and where you're coming from, language is tricky enough for me to use without worrying about which exact word I'm supposed to be using. Language policing like that feels too much like what I get from NT's at work - always having to be laser precise with every single word they expect and prefer to hear, and a different word that means the same thing isn't good enough, I have to use their exact desired word. Can't say "current", gotta say "amperage", even though amperage literally IS the measure of current. Over-precise language eventually becomes jargon anyways, and then only those who speak that particular jargon understand what's going on. A that point it's more a tool of exclusion than it is one that facilitates communication.

I try to take all recommendations as simply someone else trying to share an enjoyable experience. Personally, when I taste delicious food, I like to let other people know so they too can enjoy delicious food. If they get pushy about it, that's different. But even when someone enthusiastically says "oh you HAVE TO watch this!", I still just take it as an expression of their level of enjoyment, and their desire to share a positive experience with others. I don't actually *have* to, it's hyperbole meant to convey their enthusiasm.

This kinda reminds me of those teachers that would give kids crap for politely asking "can I" instead of "may I".



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24 Oct 2020, 3:04 pm

I'm mixed as to whether or not I'm receptive to the recommendations from people who know me personally. More often than not, the other person's thoughts behind recommendations are well......thoughtful. I sense mutual sentiments apply when I make recommendations.

What are thoughts on the recommendations from services like Netflix? Services like Netflix apply algorithms to make recommendations based-on what a given customer has requested.



TimmyTurnerFan1
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01 Nov 2020, 12:32 am

tb86 wrote:
Whenever there is a new tv show or movie people sometimes say “you need to watch this”, “you should watch this”, “you have to watch this” and that kind of bothers me. Why would I want to watch that particular show or movie? Why would I be interested in that kind of thing? Maybe I’m not that interested, maybe I don’t want to watch that. It just feels so forced to me for them to say have, should or need. I don’t have or need to watch or not watch anything I want. There are a lot of tv shows and movies that are old, new, ongoing, popular, are considered the greatest thing of all time that I have missed out on for multiple reasons. I’m not interested in their subject matter, I don’t feel like it, they might deal with subject matters I can’t deal with, I forget they exist, I probably prefer to rewatch old stuff I like. But really it’s because people keep recommending them to me and it feels so forced that I’m kind of put off by it. I might be kind of a hypocrite for saying all this because I think in the past I have recommended stuff to other people but I have been trying not to recently and if someone says they don’t wanna watch a show or movie despite liking something then I will say nothing and respect his or her decision. Honestly I don’t think I would mind people recommending something to me if they say “if you want” or if you are interested”. Another reason I can think of to not watch recommended shows and movies is that I sometimes suffer from intrusive thoughts and I’m afraid some of those movies and shows are gonna put those thoughts into my head.


I kind of felt the same way about recommendations when I was in school. When I was asked if I recommended something, I thought or felt like I was forcing someone to do something or not do something and I did not want to tell anyone what to do or not to do. I mean yes I've told people what to do so I totally get the "hypocrisy" part but I had a distorted view of "recommending" something to someone. Thankfully that got resolved.

But I see what you mean, when videos are recommended to me on Netflix, much of it I'm not interested in, even animated stuff and I like animation!



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01 Nov 2020, 12:43 am

Fnord wrote:
Lunella wrote:
They've literally thought of you enough to recommend something to you because they care about you...
OR, they think so little of you that they feel the need to control your life for you by telling you what you HAVE to do, what you NEED to do, and what you SHOULD do.

A person who truly cared about you would word their advice in the form of a suggestion. It might benefit you to remember this.


I'm with Lunella you need to just chill. No one is pointing a gun to your head to force you to watch these things. So, nothing says you have to take their suggestion to watch these things.

Watch them or don't watch them! Who the f**k cares dude! Jesus Christ holy f**k almighty!



Last edited by magz on 07 Nov 2020, 6:33 am, edited 1 time in total.: Personal attack removed