henlo

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Hi all. I have to figure out how to write an introduction because I'm not used to socializing with other ND people. Where I would normally edit and revise things I'm just going to write and see what comes naturally.

I'm Xana, or at least that's the name I go by online usually. I have the interesting experience of feeling like an outsider in both NT and ND circles but hopefully I will eventually come to find community here. I am not going to assume this is an experience no one else has had but it sure as hell is rare for me to meet anyone who feels similarly and in fact I don't think I have before. If there's anyone that relates to that it would be a great comfort to know.

I have different ideas about what an introduction should be than I think most do but to start how most people do: I'm 20, transgender, autistic (of course), currently at a pretty prestigious university and facing a lot of personal challenges including what I'm pretty sure is complex trauma. If I were to try to read out what I've written I think I would start shaking and throwing up (related to the trauma) because it's not at all how I usually talk - it's much closer to how I actually am. I wrote a reflection the other day answering "who are you" and started talking about nonduality and the nature of the self, I have five plushes on my bed right now that all have lore I've written for them, my entire body is currently tense, I write all my assignments in plain text, I've been working on some album for 7 years now that I will probably never finish that I've called "Development Hell" - I could characterize myself with a lot of different things that aren't really captured in a typical introduction. Really what I'm here for right now is to be able to socialize in a setting where the pressure's off and I can just be who I am, whatever that is besides autistic. I don't really know yet.

Anyways - beyond that - has anyone felt similarly, like they're an outsider in both the NT and ND worlds? Like, you know enough about NT social norms to fit in day to day, where you can still never be yourself around them, but you still feel something (internalized shame?) that makes you feel out of place around other ND people?

Welcome to WrongPlanet

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP! I hope you do find a community you like here.

And, yes, I have always felt like an outsider in the NT world. I'm too new to the Autie world to know...I've only met a very few (that I know of) in person (though my bride is ADHD).

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I read your intro. Not sure I can help you. But I will give you my thoughts.
I have Asperger's Syndrome, or Aspie for short. My mind is very different than others, even Aspies. But I am very old (74 going on 75) but at the same time I am very young (still a child deep down inside me). I am a little like Peter Pan, in that I never grow old.

So you are asking for advice. So I will pass onto you what worked for me. I became two people. One was my normal daytime work person. And the other was my unique night time person. My daytime person went to college, got a job, worked exceptionally hard my entire life and then retired around 15 years ago. My other person was unique. I went out and lived great adventures, explored the world, did very remarkable things, had no fear. I followed my dreams. I was Peter Pan. I do not think there is a rule that you have to be only one person in your life. But for me I was two people. And I was skilled enough to make it all work.

But I never betrayed my inner self. I never pretended to be something that I wasn't. I moved and the world expanded before me. They helped me on my journey through life. I was always myself.

So in latter life, I have learned that we have multiple brains. One exist on our left side of our skull and the other on the right. Normally our left side is dominant. It is our daytime brain. Our right side is our sleep brain. It exist in REM and NREM sleep. But some of us die when we are young before we reach age 12 or 13. And our night time brain can come online and become our dominant brain. I died when I was around age 3 or 4 and experienced what is called a near death experience. I stood there after my body was damaged by an attack from a large bull, around 100 time my weight. It was like being attacked by a dinosaur. I came back. I work up and saw my dead body placed on the bed of my room and my parents standing next to it. They were in utter fear. A voice spoke and said "Live or Die, Choose". What can I say? I couldn't stand their fear of the loss of their first born son. So I said live. It was a brain flip. And I have lived my entire life as a dominant right brain. Eventually my left side came online and became my night time brain. This may sound strange but life is strange and humans are some of the most remarkable beings that have ever existed on Earth.

Now if you want to explore this a little more, you might read a very interesting book called "Whole Brain Living" by Jill Bolte Taylor. She died around age 35 and came back. She came back as a totally different person, her right side brain. She defines her experience and goes in great lengths in Four Brain Theory (the existence of four separate brains inside humans). It is really an interesting field to explore.

Hey welcome