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Hello everyone. Please bear with me as I feel weirdly nervous about posting this. I'm 31, female, from the UK. As of yet I am undiagnosed, but certain I have autism and/or ADHD (I also definitely have OCD). At the age of 17 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, but I feel as though my autistm symptoms were overlooked, and at the time I had no idea what asperger's/autism really was. I've read that it's not unusual for women to be diagnosed late, and this makes sense to me as it was only in the last couple of years when everything sort of "clicked" for me. All my life I've felt like the odd one out and there have been plenty of times I've referred to myself as an "alien", forever harbouring this deep-seated feeling that I do not belong here. Mainly, I struggle with any kind of socialising, and this is reflected by my lack of friends and self-isolation. When communicating with people (with the exception of my sister), I just can't do it naturally. The only way I can describe it is like living behind a glass wall; I can't break through and communicate with others, no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I want to. Every conversation, every miniscule moment feels forced or planned (I do sometimes plan what I will say), and the worst part is that I can tell that everyone feels somewhat unnerved by my presence, like I'm not being convincingly human enough. Does that make sense at all?

Anyway, about a year and a half ago, I felt at breaking point with my mental health, so I started doing my own research and found that I possess many autistic and ADHD traits, much more than I ever would have realised (e.g. craving routine, hyperfixation, special interests, stimming, sensitivity to sounds, smells, and light, aversion to certain textures, etc.). This was a huge relief for me, as it was almost like I could finally begin to understand myself and why I do the things I do. The more I researched and the more online tests I completed, the more sure I felt that I was on the spectrum. It was like solving a puzzle. Still, I am terrified of visiting my doctor to get a referral for an official assessment. I think I'm scared of not presenting my case properly/not being believed. I don't know. I hope that I can push myself to go at some point this year as I've waited long enough already. I don't believe an official assessment will be the answer to everything, but I'm hoping that it might help at work, i.e. colleagues understanding why I seem "different", understanding the difficulty I have following verbal instructions, etc. (I don't want special treatment, I just want to be understood), as well as giving me the reassurance/validation that this is who I am and it's something I can't change.

At this point in my life, I know I should look into therapy and ask my doctor for a referral. These are things I cannot stop thinking about, yet I'm scared to take the first step. I've been to university, I have a job that I enjoy doing, though I would love to progress further - I feel as though my mental health is severely limiting me and I've never quite reached my true potential. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'm all ears.

So, other than this, a little bit about me: I LOVE to read (horror, classics, sci-fi, graphic novels, manga, poetry, non-fiction), I'm a huge film fan (again, I love horror, animation, classic films... really I'll give most things a try). I'm a music lover (my taste is quite eclectic), I adore animals (especially frogs, toads, sharks, and whales.. I dream of going whale watching one day), I enjoy walking, learning new things, history, gaming, writing (my favourite form of communication!), and being a nostalgic nerd.

Apologies for the very long introduction! I've wrote this out about five times now and I have to accept it's never going to be perfect, so I just need to get it posted. My sister persuaded me to look for a forum full of like-minded people, so hopefully this is the place. I would like to join discussions, make friends, possibly. I think I just need a space in my life where I won't feel like a total "weirdo".

Welcome to the forum!

Ahoy-hoy.

Welcome to Wrong Planet.

You say your scared of not presenting your case properly. Of course I can't speak for how your doctor will interpret what you say, but from reading your post you are significantly more informed than I was when I first spoke to my GP.

I do realise your an adult and it might not be practical but have you considered going to the doctor with your sister for support?

I mention it because I'm of a similar age and the first time I spoke to my doctor, I was so poor at expressing my problems, it was decided I should have another appointment with my mum present. Which I was a bit embarrassed about but still the support was helpful.

I also took a copy of the Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) test: https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

to that second appointment. I made sure it was not just the final score but also showing which boxes I'd filled in.

I also think it might be worth making notes of key things to bring up.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

You wrote, "I can tell that everyone feels somewhat unnerved by my presence, like I'm not being convincingly human enough. Does that make sense at all? "

That makes a lot of sense to me. People make eye to eye contact. But I do not. In the case of NTs, they quickly judge a person by their eye contact. If you do not look someone straight into their eyes, they automatically assume you are lying, that you are false. They can make this judgement within a few seconds.

First point to make is that you are not alone. There are many, many people in the world that have these qualities. Sometimes you will bump into one of these people and they will talk to you for hours and hours and become your closest friends. So if you search for them, you can come across them.

You wrote about some of our traits, "craving routine, hyperfixation, special interests, stimming, sensitivity to sounds, smells, and light, aversion to certain textures". So if you possess these traits, there is a fairly good probability that you have found the right spot, that you have found your home.

You wrote, "I've been to university, I have a job that I enjoy doing, though I would love to progress further - I feel as though my mental health is severely limiting me and I've never quite reached my true potential. If anyone has any advice or words of wisdom, I'm all ears."

Believe in yourself. You have a set of unique capabilities that most neurotypicals (NTs) do not possess. Learn your strengths and use them to counteract your weaknesses. And live a good life.

You wrote, "I dream of going whale watching one day". Don't just dream about this, figure out the steps to make this come about and just follow the steps, and DO IT.

welcome

Welcome to the wrong planet!

welcome! one of the best things about learning I am autistic is that I also learned that I am not alone, and that there are others "out there" (here) who will understand. Glad you are with us.

Welcome to WP

Hello, Cachalot! Welcome to WP!

Hi! It's been a pretty much similar path to me in discovering that I might be autistic. So I can totally understand you. I'm still confused about it since in my own, personal opinion it is really hard to make a difference btw autisam in adults (that has not been diagnosed as children) and CPTSD. Especially because autistic people can also have CPTSD in addition to autism.

If you love the job you do, but still feel that you need an official diagnoses in order to help your collegues to understand you better and if you have had a breaking point in your mental health, than I would encourage you to visit mental health specialist in order to help you learn some cognitive behaviour techiques (and also other techiques) that will help you to better cope in various social surroundings, to be more relaxed, etc. That may also help you improve your work performance and your career. And if it doesn't, than it may help you accept your limitations and realize that you don't have to be a high achiever and to expect too much of yourself.

But start step by step. It is great that you did your own research and realized in your 30s what may be the reason you are the way you are. I have had an "Aha!" moment only a few months ago. I belive my life would be much better/less complicated if I knew in my thirties what I know now. You still have plenty of time to direct your life in a right way by knowing and understanding yourself better than before (official or self-discovered) diagnose.

Welcome to WP!