The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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SleepyDragon
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19 Mar 2008, 1:15 am

We always said about my late father-in-law that when he stopped being cranky and disagreeable, we'd know that he was getting near the end. I've posted about him before. He could be quite unpleasant, but we still miss him and think about him all the time.

He too disliked emotional pretence.

Smelena
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19 Mar 2008, 4:29 am

I worked in palliative care for a while and enjoyed it. Working with people who are dying was refreshing - they seemed to cut the crap and be honest.

I always hated families who would insist on invasive medical techniques to prolong their loved ones life for a short time. Completely selfish insisting on painful techniques to prolong a life that no longer has any quality.

I was always happy for patients who died the way they wanted to. Quick without prolonged suffering.

My favourite death was this cool 80 year old. He passed out at home and his wife called the ambulance. He had a huge aortic aneurysm that was going to blow. They could not surgically repair it because he had so many medical conditions the surgery would kill him.

So this guy was going to die within a matter of days. He was not suffering and had enough time to say goodbye to his family.

This guy's hospital room was like one big party (he was neurotypical so this suited him). Everytime I went to give him treatment there were at least 6 relatives in their. He wanted them to stay during his treatment.

There was no sitting around weeping. It honestly was like a big party that lasted 4 days. He died in his sleep.

We missed the party atmosphere of the ward after he died. But I was happy that he died the way he did - no pain and partying into eternity.

Helen

Chuck
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19 Mar 2008, 8:54 am

I hope when I go, it's from such a funny freak accident that people can't help but laugh when they think about it.
And then they party. :wink: :lol:
(like being run over by a cow or something).

sartresue
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19 Mar 2008, 10:26 am

cosmiccat wrote:

I have a dilemma:

My cousin, R....., who is a couple of years older then me, is dying of cancer. The doctors have given her 2 months to live (she thinks it's 6 months) and she is in a nursing home in Lansdale, Pa and will soon be in Hospice. She has no family except for her sister, M....., who lives in Sliddell, LA and me. She has an ex husband and his wife who live in Alabama and whom she is on very good & loving terms with. She also has a life-long girl friend who lives in upstate Pennsylvania. These three have visited her and helped her often since she got sick. She is also from Sliddell and moved up to Lansdale after Katrina, and was fortunate to have been able to transfer her job and keep her medical insurance intact because the company she worked for in Baton Rouge has a branch in Lansdale. After being in Lansdale for about a year, (she arrived in PA in a condition of undiagnosed heart failure, was treated for that, improved much and was able to keep working), only to have a return of breast cancer which had been in remission for about ten years, and which has now spread into her sternum and her stomach. She's taking liquid morphine but will soon be on a morphine drip.

Last night M, who has taken 2 weeks vacation from her job in Sliddell to spend time with her, called me to update me on R's condition. She told me that in spite of R's condition, she is her old "bitchy, bossy" self, and in amazing good spirits. I can't fathom this, I just can't.
I told M that I would call R today, and that I and my husband would drive up to visit sometime during the week after Easter.

I haven't called R yet. I don't know what to say or talk about. Can somebody help me? Any advice? I seem to say the wrong things so often. I don't know how I'm going to manage seeing her in person. How does one act in situations like this? It's terrible that I would have to resort to acting instead of just being natural, but my natural, at least in this case, is certainly not appropriate because while I think it's an horrific bummer for her, I am not emotionally attached to her and feel nothing about the whole situation except something along the order of "it's too bad."

I can't face her being happy-go-lucky like Little Orphan Annie and The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow, because it won't for her, but it will for me. And I can't face her with fake sorrow. The only emotions I really feel about this whole situation are ANGER at a disease called cancer, HELPLESSNESS because I can't do anything to make it go away, and FEAR that the same thing might happen to me, my husband and children. Dealing with situations like this make me feel like a poor excuse of a human being.

Final Destination of the Journey of Life topic

I do not want to sound like a counselor here, cosmiccat, but I will tell you something first about the topic of death.

I have worked with dead and dying seniors for almost 20 years as I am a PSW, though I am not working in this field now. sometimes it is hard to see someone who is dying because in some ways it means we have to face our own mortality and come to terms with it.

To know and admit that we all one day are going to die is something we all have to come to terms with. It is part of life. It is easy to say, and hard to do. I do not mean we should be morbidly preoccupied with it but if we can accept the reality then it can make it easier when we are dealing with loved ones who are going through this. I know it hurts like hell. And the dying person with sometimes rage, sometimes cry, sometimes laugh. The whole mood swing thing. And be bossy and meek and sarcastic and deny and plead with you. There is a change in focus when one's days are numbered, when one is faced with the knowledge of a limited life span due to an incurable illness like terminal cancer.

I hope the above explanation sheds some light on the issue of death and dying. Dr.Elisabeth Kubler Ross has written a great deal on the grief process. The other posters (blessedmom, sinsboldly, lau, morning_after, etc.) have given better counsel than I have. I tend to be more analytical than compassionate. My apologies.

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cosmiccat
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19 Mar 2008, 12:00 pm

What a wonderful place this cafe is. I'm truly grateful to all of you for your comments and responses, and for just being who you are and for being able to hang out with you all.

Merle, you say you need more than a hug. Voila!

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4[/youtube]

lau
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19 Mar 2008, 12:16 pm

CC. Brilliant!

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cosmiccat
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19 Mar 2008, 12:17 pm

Sartesue said:

Quote:

To know and admit that we all one day are going to die is something we all have to come to terms with. It is part of life. It is easy to say, and hard to do. I do not mean we should be morbidly preoccupied with it but if we can accept the reality then it can make it easier when we are dealing with loved ones who are going through this. I know it hurts like hell. And the dying person with sometimes rage, sometimes cry, sometimes laugh. The whole mood swing thing. And be bossy and meek and sarcastic and deny and plead with you. There is a change in focus when one's days are numbered, when one is faced with the knowledge of a limited life span due to an incurable illness like terminal cancer.

I hope the above explanation sheds some light on the issue of death and dying. Dr.Elisabeth Kubler Ross has written a great deal on the grief process. The other posters (blessedmom, sinsboldly, lau, morning_after, etc.) have given better counsel than I have. I tend to be more analytical than compassionate. My apologies.

No need to apologize.
"It's all good" as the saying goes (though I think it's referring to controlled substances) :roll:

Thanks for sharing your insights and experience on death and dying.

I suppose there's a chance that there will be changes taking place in R's emotions due to the mood swings, so thanks for the fore warning.

cosmiccat
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19 Mar 2008, 12:37 pm

lau wrote:

CC. Brilliant!

Brilliant, yes.

But I must give credit where credit is due. My wonderful assistant, Ms. Google. I simply said to her "when you need more than a hug" and within a matter of seconds that video was on my desk top. :wink:

lau
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19 Mar 2008, 12:53 pm

There's the trick, that a lot of people take forever to learn: ask the right questions.

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morning_after
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19 Mar 2008, 1:20 pm

Smelena wrote:

You know, I want everyone I know to party, too. Balloons, dancing, everything.

The way I see it, death is kind of like a graduation. It's a natural part of life and what it means to me is that I will just go to be somewhere else now.

sartresue
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19 Mar 2008, 1:52 pm

The shadow knows topic

Here is a poem about death written by a relative of mine, Sharon T. She gave permission to post it. It was written in a sombre mood.

Me and my Nadir-Shadow (April 27, 2003)

At my feet you trudge, weary, yet keep up with my pace.
I look down and know it is you, and when you caress my face,
Then I feel a coolness enveloping my soul,
Without your darkness, like Day for Night, I would never be whole.

Branded fear without colour, this doesn’t seem fair. Old photos and gray skies
Limp by --we sustain them and rarely ask why.
We love them, we treasure them, permanently rigid and strong.
But the shadow’s an enigma, undefined, dubious, even in song.

A reflection of my life you are, loyal companion, old friend,
You’ve grown as I have grown, as I stretch, as I bend.
In silence, sometimes I lead, sometimes you move on ahead
In this way we are separate, which is shown but unsaid.

At the end of the Day, before the Light goes to sleep.
My tears are all spent. Is this when you weep?
And at the end of my Life, upon breathing my last,
My Nadir-Shadow follows, and together, we pass.

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morning_after
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19 Mar 2008, 2:09 pm

You can tell her I said that was really beautiful

nannarob
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19 Mar 2008, 3:35 pm

I am always impressed by the group wisdom of the cafe. I was thinking of this yesterday when Carol received the first posts here about R.

"Wise owls!" I thought. "Aha! A parliament of owls!"

I think this group would defy the current literature on aspergers and socialisation. We are so strong and wise as a group. We are a family!.

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I think there must be some chronic learning disability that is so prevalent among NT's that it goes unnoticed by the "experts". Krex

blessedmom
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19 Mar 2008, 3:46 pm

I almost forgot, it's Wednesday.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1K0eknfuix8[/youtube]

blessedmom
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19 Mar 2008, 3:48 pm

nannarob wrote:

And that would be why some of us have a hard time getting a diagnosis should we want one. That and trying to find a professional who even has the slightest about adult AS or even worse, adult women with AS! :roll:

They might have to learn something new to deal with us!

(Yeah, I'm a little peeved about it :lol:

)

richie
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19 Mar 2008, 3:58 pm

nannarob wrote:

Ah yes the family that stims together stays together...

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