The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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Ok, I know this is off -topic a little, but I promised my mom I would post this on this board and see what other people here thought.

And my dad is over 60, so I thought the most appropriate place to post this question is in here.

for those who don't know, I think my dad has a very strong AS personality despite never being diagnosed.

His driving concerns us.

He is a handicapped person. He cannot walk and uses a powerchair to get around. the has tons of pain, so he doesn't have freedom from that, either. His bowls are, well... I'll just say he does not have the freedom of having them work properly.

He is given to narcellelpcy? and has shown he cannot stay awake.

A month or two ago, he had to have the doctor recommend that he not drive. His license has not been fully revoked, because ADOT is reviewing his case.

however, he was driving onto the sidewalk several times on his way to the doctor's office that morning.

My mom says there have been times when she drives with him and he nearly sideswiped people. She also says he's just about run them over in his powerchair on account of falling asleep.

I've ridden with him as he found himself doing 45 down the freeway (the speed limit is 65) while everyone else passed us doing the speed limit. I've also ridden with him as he's taken to swerving uncontrollably and hit a handicapped sign as he tried to park his car.

The decision that the rest of us came to was to have me take the car to work that she would drive, while she takes his. He's continues to insist that he can drive, indicating that he would take the car if he decided he was ok to drive.

Which means he would be driving, honestly, at times when he is falling asleep at the wheel.

But he insists in his tamper-tantrums. He's been threatening divorce, which we have learned he will not do. He claims that my mom is treating him like a child, claiming that he does not need another mom. He also calls her his warden.

he has activities here in the local retirement community he can go to, and we give him a ride when he wants to go somewhere, but he doesn't tend to take advantage of them.

He's said he does not want to go on vacation when the rest of us do because we will not let him drive.

This is despite the fact that we do not think he can take care of himself at all.

What do you do in a situation like this?

My brother, the one that's a pastor, suggested that we all get together and tell him that we do not feel he should be driving, that it's nothing personal, and that we are concerned that he is not physically fit to drive, and, as a result, driving arrangements will stay as they are. My mom basically already told him this, and gave him the number for ADOT so that he can have an avenue to pursue to see about getting tested and maybe regaining his ability to drive.

We think ADOT will tell him his license has been revoked in three weeks.

Since he had the recommendation from the doctor that he should not drive, he has been throwing temper tantrums about not being able to use the car and we are honestly at a loss about how to deal with him.

Anybody have any ideas?

Yup I do. Work to get his driving privileges taken away, don't count on the state or whatever to do it. If even half is true you're saving his life, someone else's or both. Get him off the sidewalk with his power chair. He is a hazard. Now he won't like it and I could list some aspie reasons for it as well as NT reasons for it, doesn't matter. He doesn't want his freedom taken away and who can blame him. Now when you've accomplished the set tasks, you make sure he has other options. He can sit on his butt and cry or he'll adapt. I didn't have to make this decision with mine, they passed before it became needed. However I was about to intercede with my Mom and her depression. It didn't need to happen either, but I would have. Do it as a family, as a group, would be my suggestion.

Well, we basically did take his driving priveleges away.

We have tried to give him options to adapt, but all he seems to want to do is sit on his butt and cry. That's how he got into this situation. He would not do physical therapy, and would not do what his counselor told him to (he was seeing a psychologist for a while, but didn't work with the guy and eventually stopped going on account of the fact that it wasn't going anywhere),

And some people like to do that, just sit there and cry and make everybody else's life miserable. It's the truth. I don't know I've had really mixed results with therapists, mostly bad, so I won't pitch in on that one and hell he's already 60, I mean it's not like you make a life time of habits just all of a sudden get better. As far as the current, well, ya know sometimes it isn't worth the pain either, depends on what he wants to do. If the problems get in the way and he won't try to fix them then tell him your fault, not mine. So when you ask him what he wants, he says what? If it's outrageous tell him Santa is watching and if he's really really good, he just might get it. I mean what the f**k, if he ain't got a plan then what ya aimin at? I could think of a thousand things to leave around, easy to pick up that might get him going on an obsession, he does have them? Or did?

Hell I don't know, but I do know you can't live another's life for them. And at some point you have to take care of yourselves.

SwampBlossom has a plan, we're just going to put a bib on her, put her in a highchair, shove her in the corner and feed her cat food. Hey!! It was her idea. Ya got to have a plan.

I don't know this is pretty extreme but.... Have you ever been in a real old folks home? No I mean the places where they shelve them? I worked in the horrible places for a while. Maybe it's time for a visit. Let's call it shock therapy. It's like ok Dad, you're not doing what you can to be as healthy as you might and at some point, we can't take care of you and this is where you go. But don't eat a big lunch before you take him, cause you ain't gonna like what you see either and believe me when they sit down and give up, that is exactly where they end up. It's horrible and it's a crime.

I took care of them and I know how hard it is on a family to do it on their own. But I am not pulling any punches. I am not lying, that is exactly what happens. I have seen too much of it. Some how you've got to sink it through his buligerant aspie head. And an open friendly no holds bared talk might do it. But by god I do it all before I had to go the route I just said, And trust me here too, at some point taking care of them at home just will kill those doing it too and it has nothing to do with love, sometimes there are no other choices. As awful as they are.

I think that is some good advice postie...especially ..reality therapy. I admire anyone who can work in "those places". Hell on earth is not being dramatic.

As far as therapy...if he is aspie then he might benefit more from a very concrete "Rational Emotive Therapy" then the usual, feel sorry for yourself therapies.

My bigger concern is.... has he been tested for other possible cognitive problems. My BF has MS and also narcolepsy...(I think he also maybe AS but it is hard to tell because some of the MS cognitive issues look like AS. ) He takes ADD medication for the narcolepsy and it helps a bit as long as he doesn't drive for long. Having one disability doesn't protect you from having others. I think that it may even make it more probable. Your description makes me think Alzheimer's is something to have checked out.

When it comes to human behavior that I find "challenging" I always think....THUROUGHLY rule out physical causes before seeking psychological ones. that's y motto and I'm stick en to it.




Reika...about lying...yeah, I seem to understand intellectually "why" people would lie...I was a psych major,so there are bunchs of reasons...including self delusion. But, since I can't tell when they are and it sucks to go around being suspicious all the time, I decided it was just easier to assume that they are telling the truth until I have some good proof that they aren't...trying to figure it out, just over-loads me. I have to spend my energy just trying to get a sentence out, have nothing left to "read them". That decision led to some pretty bad experiences so I made a further decision to just stay away from people as much as possible. Now that I am with people(WP), that I think tell the truth more often then not...I can be a a little social again.

rereading what i wrote i might have come across all gruff, didn't mean to I just get worked up about this general subject.

Another thought, I never did well in a formal school setting, but did ok when i figured out a method to accomplish the same thing that fit me.
You can find out what the exercises (I assume) are and maybe find another setting or another way that he might like better.
Maybe something more aspie conducive? You did mention incontinence, that can be overcome if it is just poor muscles control.
It takes patience and he is aware, so baring the narcolepsy, it is fixable. It is a matter of holding it a little longer each time.
Like a little kid does and that's exactly why they do it, they just don't know it.
And as Krex and Sleepy said if he hasn't had a really thorough physical, that is a must. Just to rule out other problems.
He needs an attitude shift, not as easy. But again I go back to obsessions or likes.
Look, I hardly ever go outside, but have not enough time to do what I'd like inside as it is.
That is my attitude, it would probably drive most anyone up a wall, but not me. They're constantly trying to "fix" me.
Sometimes when it comes to therapists and doctors we relate easier to some better than others.
It very well might be the one he was seeing wasn't the right one for him.
Get inventive, think out of the box.

Lurking and not leaving the house today!

It was 74F here on Saturday and 70F on Sunday. It was beautiful!! This morning we woke up to this:

Heard about this http://www.freerice.com/ site on the news this morning. I figured with the huge vocabularies in the cafe, we may be able to feed a few children. It only takes a few minutes and it costs nothing.

A little more on lying. I agree with comments about how it doesn't make sense that people lie and misrepresent to the extent that they do. For me one of the reasons I avoid lying, maybe the core reason when I think about it, is that I desperately need to have direct feedback from existence around me to carry on.

That last sentence is probably a little unclear. I have been trying to express this issue for quite a while and so far have not been satisfied with the results. Another way to put it is that lying makes it hard to know what I'm doing. It puts me to one degree or another in a nether world that is extremely insecure for me. I feel I don't know what is coming next.

So I tell the truth (mostly) for completely pragmatic reasons, not so much ethical. When folks around me are lying, and I am aware because of the content, it leaves me feeling almost dizzy. Very unpleasant. There have even been times that I have lost my power of speech (become "more autistic") due to the insistent lies of close associates.

Like others, I am most comfortable when I can just respond to questions with the bare facts and not have to "dissemble" in any way. I gravitate toward those environments that at least tolerate such behavior.