The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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More clever titles, are you people making them up yourselves?

Aspies have no imaginations, so we couldn't possibly make anything up.

ok, morning_after. I don't know what you want me to say is all. I am not real good at imagining you life if it is not like mine, probably any more than you can take in my adventures.

It's not a habit, it is a disease, an allergy if you will. The consumption starts up a physical reaction in those who are senstitive to the allergin and they are helpless while in the grip of it's influence.

I didn't become an alcoholic any more than I became an Aspie. I just was both from birth.

And you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic, either. You can be one and never drink a drop

ow it's so good to spend some moments here, reading a bit ...

yeah nan
(aren't i just great at replies )

The suggestion a few pages back about booze making someone more NT struck a chord for me. My Dad was, at least in my opinion and that of my brother, clearly an Aspie. He was also an alcoholic. I think that he probably was making himself more acceptable to the crowd by drinking. I can see in retrospect how bad he felt about not being able to relate all that well to people. Especially for educated folks in his generation, drinking was THE THING for socializing. I can see that it partially worked for him but could not make up for all the harm it did in other ways.

I'll end by commenting about how this is yet another in a continuing series of comments on WP that help me make a little more sense of life. It is a great comfort.

And here is a weird-hair question out of nowhere.

I have been a little discomfitted by the emoticons on WP. I definitely don't want to inhibit people's enjoyment of their use but there seems like a little paradox involved in Aspies using faces.

When I am stressed but events or even (as now) by a virus with cough and sneezing, I have a little trouble looking at even cartoon faces. Does anyone else run into this?

PS: Just to be clear, it is VERY easy to avert my gaze from these little circles when they give me a jolt. I expect no pity or sympathy on this score!

Yesterday my sister and I drove up to visit my cousins R & M. It was R's birthday, and even though she is in Hospice and in a nursing home, she can leave for the day whenever she likes. M, who just got a 3 month medical leave, brings R home to her (R's) apartment everyday. They are both excellent cooks and both love to eat their own, usually Italian, cooking. About the medical leave - M doesn't qualify for a family leave, because that is only for parents, spouse or children, even though the sisters are a family, all they have really is each other. R didn't know we were coming, we wanted to surprise her for her birthday and she was real happy to see us. A lot of hugging and kissing and cheek pinching, which is what Italian families do, at least what our Italian family does. I have grown up with all of this show of affection and have grown use to it and truthfully, like it. It's how we say "I love you and always will."

We took R to her favorite restaurant. She and I ordered the "Ultimate Feast", lobster, two kinds of shrimp, and snow crab legs. My sister J ordered salmon, and M had crab cakes. It was my intention to pick up the check. After dinner, before the check arrived, R & I decided to go out for a smoke. I gave my sister my credit card and told her to put everything on my card, which she agreed to do. Outside R & I talked about the possibility of a miracle. It was a gorgeous day, sunny & warm, we both knew that if the doctors were right, we wouldn't be spending too many more days like this together, and I could sense that in spite of her courage and resignation, she still had a glimmer of hope that her life could continue.

When we got back inside, M said that she was going to put everything on R's credit card. This came as a shock to me. She explained that she was advised that it would be wise to put as many expenses as possible on R's card and it would eventually (when R dies) it will be considered "bad debt". Of course, she didn't say "when R dies" but that's what was meant. I said, in my own true fashion, "But what if there's a miracle?" Everyone cracked up laughing, including and especially R. I hadn't meant to be funny. I guess they were laughing at the irony of the whole situation. M was insistent that the meal should be payed for in that way so I went along reluctantly. When the bill came R asked "how much is it?" When M told her, her eyes bugged out. We all laughed. R said "I want to thank you all ......" - and I interrupted her little speech with "But no, thank you R.[i] Again, we all cracked up and R grabbed me and kissed me.

Back at her apartment, we sat on the patio and had fresh coffee and ice cream cake. We talked about our memories and growing up in an Italian family and we took a lot of pictures. At one point, I was sitting next to R and she looked so beautiful to me. The sun was shining on her and her eyes were sparkling. I told her how beautiful she looked to me at that moment and asked if I could take another picture right away while the sun was just right. She said "okay, but go get my hair." I got her wig and she put it on. It wasn't the same, and after a couple of shots I said, "This isn't right. It's not the same. I like the way you looked with the sun bouncing off your head." Again, leave it to me to say it like it is. She said "You want my bald head, okay, here it is," and pulled the wig off. I said "That's the look, it's beautiful" and shot it.

Here are some of our pictures. It was a beautiful day and I will never forget it. A mixture of tragedy and comedy, coming and going. We were all empowered by it.
R standing, M seated

R, M & sister J

CC & R

R in all her dignity & glory:

As I remark, from time to time, I block all animated avatars.

The smiley faces, I generally ignore. It's usually too much effort to bother to work out what they mean. I occasionally throw in a "smiley face", but that's all, mostly. Sometimes I'll get completely carried away. :)

Very true CC. R's hair conceals her character. The last picture was the best.

I agree too, CC. The last picture is the best.

Thank you for sharing with us R's life and how she is preparing for death.

Thank goodness you are being yourself. You help everyone have a good laugh.

skeeterhawk...I was the one who mentioned that I believed my drinking made me more NT. I think it is interesting that shutting off certain parts of the brain made me feel more NT. I think it would be an interesting thing for scientist to study about neurology and AS. The first area to be effected by alcohol is the ability to make good social judgement (frontal lobe?) which I thought was already considered less active in people with AS? However, my experience is that mine is overactive...maybe because I need to try and intellectually figure out what people really are saying without the aid of understanding nonverbal communication...I analyse and it gets in the way of my liking people and having a "good time".

As I used to say in my defense against smoking pot(which I hated) rather then drinking. When I drink, I'm stupid and don't know it or care. When I smoke pot, I know I'm stupid and I still care.


People respond to me more positively when I am drunk because they don't pick up on my analysing or what they see as "judgement" which is actually just my attempt to understand them. It also desensitizes me, no big surprise considering it is a CNS depressant. I am less "self conscious"...so more able to feel "natural" to them, (be spontaneous, not hesitate before I respond, Not speak "uppity" with big words and correct grammar....be more like them.)

Because I lose my ability to "reason"...things don't seem as black and white. I am no longer aware of little cruelties, sexism or the individuals lack of ability to reason...(yes, I can be rather judgemental and tend to avoid people who express values that are contrary to my own.) NT's get the same values from drinking that I do or it wouldn't be such a popular social lubricant. The difference is the amount I would have to consume to get such value and the discomfort I felt when I was trying to socialize. For them it made it easier...for me it made it possible.

I don't regret my decission to stop drinking. The negatives did out weigh the positives and I did more hurtful things to myself and others while drinking. But I think it did help me get through some difficult years, when I was given no other tools to use.


Emoticoms don't bother me except when people use the ...after quoteing something I have said...then it is just like being slapped because it always means..."I think you are an idiot and don't like you"...that kind of attack can get my blood pumping and put me in defense mode...unpleasant.

passing out lurk-hugs to all in need...

hug!

lurk... lurk...

Personally I wouldn't read the following it's long, it's rambling, boring, a rant and a tirade. Probably has run on sentences, poor grammar, slang, dropped words, incomplete thoughts, thoughts out of place and purposely misspelled words. And I'm too lazy to redo it into three short sentences. So before you do read it, don't. I'll be out a head someplace having a little groupage chatter.

There are more than one way to look at the drinking thing. A lot of people believe in the disease model, been around a long time and is at the heart of an organization that has very dismal track record. I won't bring up my crusade to drag that group into the 21st century, but it is my understanding that splinter groups are starting to form and it's about damn time. Oh the hell I won't bring it up, let me get on my soap box.

One shoe does not fit all, keep your big book and if you want to find me I'll be in the revolving door trying to tell those leaving there are other ways. In spite of the obvious non small talk in the group, it was still a group and I drank so I could get near them to begin with, among other reasons that I didn't understand. I never thought I was being NT, didn't know anything about it, but I knew it dropped my sense of feeling, I became more numb to it all and there were people around and therefore I wasn't lonely. That was bull s**t and it took a while to see what I was really doing.

It is a cycle. Period. There is a reason it runs in families and it has nothing to do with any damn genes. You could argue you might be more sensitive to the booze and I would probably agree and it might be in some chemical make up, but it isn't the heart of it, the root cause. It is a cycle of abuse. Period. The parent abuses those around them and they imprint on how to cope with it. Cope, big word too. Codependent, that's another side of the coin, but then I have a feeling we all are in one way or another. So anyway, the kids have kids and they imprint. Then you have the start of brand new cycles all together. I was born an aspie, parents abused me just cause we didn't have a clue and if I choose to cure it with booze I start a brand new cycle with the ones I'm around. PTSD; sexual, combat or other types, they come home and they need to survive, they drink and another cycle begins. It was an independent, not your fault, abuse.

You have to find the root cause and you need to break the cycle, stopping the spread is an off shoot. There is a reason they can't leave the rooms that is to them a life long commitment, they weren't fixed, they glossed it over in bible thumping brain washing. But it is a life long commitment, you can have a life outside the in groups circle. And if you think for a second they don't have a hierarchy, think again. If it gets em through the night, I'm all for it, up to a point. I'll try and stop them from spreading the cycle each and every time I see it, they are dangerous. Am I cured? I am an aspie, I'm probably bipolar on top of that and I was abused, mentally. Those are my roots and I see them and I have exposed them to myself. I understand much better why I tick and the way I tick. And I'll attempt to drag those that can't figure it out and repeatedly fail at getting themselves together out of the clutches of the evul ones and into the 21st century. They need to stop their catch-22 mentality as well. They've got an answer for everything if you don't agree with them. Circular thinking at its finest and another damn cycle that they can't see themselves.

Pretty obvious I got abused with that little cycle. I was told by the law you go to them or you go to jail. It saved my life because I needed the push, I was disgusted with myself and I knew what I was really doing. I didn't go to them other then to pick up a few important tools that fit me and walk out the door. And like all my education processes, I had to figure out a way to teach myself. You see, even the pros missed it, but they didn't look very well either, they were AA brainwashed too. I have since been back to give those s**t heads a wake up call too and they have. But I could not stay in the rooms, they were eating me alive and would have driven me back to drinking. When I got done figuring out my roots, as best I could up to that point, I was pleasantly surprised to see others that saw the game for what it really is. If you think I'm radical, that's fine, if you think I'm wrong that's fine too. What ever gets you through the night.

But they in the herd are not trained pros to see many many of the root causes and that's the first step, no it isn't the first step, that one is to admit you have a problem, then you need to stop to get the clear eyes, once you have done that and you are committed, you find the roots and it isn't always viewable in the rooms. But that coffee was good and the bastards won't let you chain smoke anymore, ahh the good ol days. But a lot of times they're in there back patting and mostly glassing over the problem and there is the danger of the dry drunk, which is actually what I think most of them are. They still abuse, even if only themselves. Enter the religion about here. And they create one and it is a cult and I can prove it. Follow the money. The group on the surface makes none and it was set up that way when they splintered and formed another black ops group that makes the loot. They publish the books, the steps. Others write freakin books (make a little cash themselves, not to mention all the little elite spas that do the same thing, it's f*****g big business) about the steps and yet say it's simple. Well it is, but they don't see it. The steps have to be constantly reinterpreted by others to take this in to account. I dislike blind faith, especially when it is simple and it is free. It is and can be a painful road, but that's part of the trip and it does get better. Hell if you do it right, some even feel it is an enlightening experience. I just find it's easier on my liver.

I do think they have some good points and I do think they could get it right and do a much better job at stopping the revolving door. I don't want to destroy them I just want them to improve and I don't care if someone makes a buck The splinter groups are out there and getting stronger, if you have a problem find them. But, you can do it yourself too and ultimately there is no other person that ever can do it.

Just lurking and stimming as usual.....

Yup, I like the last picture as well, CC.

I was bouncing around the net one time and was, I think, looking at tattoo pictures and went off on a side track that you can do so easily with web searches. I ran across some pictures of women that had had full mastectomies. They had wonderful smiling pictures of them in the out of doors, gardening and the like. They were topless and they had large ornate, expressive tattoos on their chests. It took me a bit to adjust to the sight, that it indeed was correct. But then nudity never has bothered me anyway, hold over from the hiPpie days I suppose when it was common in certain settings. So I would have adjusted easily anyway.

We get use to certain "norms" and having no hair on a woman's head is one of those that strikes some as wrong, or just not right. I think it's great and it's proud. It's like an "I am" statement.