The Dino-Aspie Ex-Café (for Those 40+... or feeling creaky)

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I have no family to help. I have disorder that makes it extremely painful to be around people anymore. It is hopeless.

well, if things get too bad we can forgo our internet conections for foodand rent out or sell our computers for that last hydrocodone!

Merle

Things are too bad. I'm at the library. I need $2000 a month to live and my SSDI is $783. Rent is $825. Where do I cut back? Can't afford a car to live in, either. This is the cheapest place I could find.

ok, morning_after. I don't know what you want me to say is all. I am not real good at imagining you life if it is not like mine, probably any more than you can take in my adventures.

It's not a habit, it is a disease, an allergy if you will. The consumption starts up a physical reaction in those who are senstitive to the allergin and they are helpless while in the grip of it's influence.

I didn't become an alcoholic any more than I became an Aspie. I just was both from birth.

And you don't have to drink to be an alcoholic, either. You can be one and never drink a drop

Yesterday my sister and I drove up to visit my cousins R & M. It was R's birthday, and even though she is in Hospice and in a nursing home, she can leave for the day whenever she likes. M, who just got a 3 month medical leave, brings R home to her (R's) apartment everyday. They are both excellent cooks and both love to eat their own, usually Italian, cooking. About the medical leave - M doesn't qualify for a family leave, because that is only for parents, spouse or children, even though the sisters are a family, all they have really is each other. R didn't know we were coming, we wanted to surprise her for her birthday and she was real happy to see us. A lot of hugging and kissing and cheek pinching, which is what Italian families do, at least what our Italian family does. I have grown up with all of this show of affection and have grown use to it and truthfully, like it. It's how we say "I love you and always will."

We took R to her favorite restaurant. She and I ordered the "Ultimate Feast", lobster, two kinds of shrimp, and snow crab legs. My sister J ordered salmon, and M had crab cakes. It was my intention to pick up the check. After dinner, before the check arrived, R & I decided to go out for a smoke. I gave my sister my credit card and told her to put everything on my card, which she agreed to do. Outside R & I talked about the possibility of a miracle. It was a gorgeous day, sunny & warm, we both knew that if the doctors were right, we wouldn't be spending too many more days like this together, and I could sense that in spite of her courage and resignation, she still had a glimmer of hope that her life could continue.

When we got back inside, M said that she was going to put everything on R's credit card. This came as a shock to me. She explained that she was advised that it would be wise to put as many expenses as possible on R's card and it would eventually (when R dies) it will be considered "bad debt". Of course, she didn't say "when R dies" but that's what was meant. I said, in my own true fashion, "But what if there's a miracle?" Everyone cracked up laughing, including and especially R. I hadn't meant to be funny. I guess they were laughing at the irony of the whole situation. M was insistent that the meal should be payed for in that way so I went along reluctantly. When the bill came R asked "how much is it?" When M told her, her eyes bugged out. We all laughed. R said "I want to thank you all ......" - and I interrupted her little speech with "But no, thank you R.[i] Again, we all cracked up and R grabbed me and kissed me.

Back at her apartment, we sat on the patio and had fresh coffee and ice cream cake. We talked about our memories and growing up in an Italian family and we took a lot of pictures. At one point, I was sitting next to R and she looked so beautiful to me. The sun was shining on her and her eyes were sparkling. I told her how beautiful she looked to me at that moment and asked if I could take another picture right away while the sun was just right. She said "okay, but go get my hair." I got her wig and she put it on. It wasn't the same, and after a couple of shots I said, "This isn't right. It's not the same. I like the way you looked with the sun bouncing off your head." Again, leave it to me to say it like it is. She said "You want my bald head, okay, here it is," and pulled the wig off. I said "That's the look, it's beautiful" and shot it.

Here are some of our pictures. It was a beautiful day and I will never forget it. A mixture of tragedy and comedy, coming and going. We were all empowered by it.
R standing, M seated

R, M & sister J

CC & R

R in all her dignity & glory:

I have no family to help. I have disorder that makes it extremely painful to be around people anymore. It is hopeless.

krex & Hartz,
I don't have any easy answers. I understand that you are not looking for attention or pity. I also understand that above all, the will to live has to be rooted in the self, in love for the self, in love of life its self. However, having people, children, pets dependent on you, and having a desire not to cause suffering of those we love, (which taking one's life would do), is the single most powerful factor in preventing suicide or for ruling it out as an option. That doesn't solve the problem of lack of will or desire to live in spite of one's troubles and pain, but with that option out of the way, one can at least focus on more positive ways to reduce or put an end to the pain and troubles that are pulling you down into despair. It's very hard work, but with practice and determination it can be achieved. By it, I mean the departure from self-hatred and the arrival to self-love. Speaking in a completely personal way, I find it helpful to think of myself as a child, to realize that that child is still alive in me, and wanting more than anything to protect and love myself as that child. I think all healing takes place in the psyche when it is directed towards the inner child and with the desire to reach, love and heal that child . The adult protects and loves the child, the child once healed then passes that healing on to the adult. Each loves, protects and heals the other. Do everything in your power to make your inner child happy and safe, in return, your inner child will do everything in its power to make you happy and safe.

to just drop my body like a soiled garment, and beam on into the next dimension! Me? I eat anything I want and walk when I want to. I have often thought that a dire fatal disease would be a relief. my cat goes back to the same wonderful shelter I got him from and No moaning of the bar when I put out to sea, let me tell you, give me a bon voyage party, I am ready to shove off!

Merle

Mmmmm Sam. A healthy young man I see ...girl watching

I just did a search on WP and didn't find one thread that had to do with getting their motorcycle endorsement on their driver's license. hummm Iwonder why that is?. . .I must admit, the shifting the cluching, the choking the rolling on and off. . .

whew! sounds really involved.

I'll let you know how it goes

Merle