hi there

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we didn't know that I had Asperger's when I was a kid. I know it was really difficult on my parents. Sometimes we would talk about stuff but I always felt like they were trying to put words into my mouth when the right words just weren't making it there and that just felt awful. Mom would say things like "don't you see how I feel?" more often than really asking what I thought about her emotional state. "How do you think I feel?" Was an exasperation not a question and never was meant to solicit a correct response. I deeply wish we had better communication about feelings. Today she accused me of 1: causing others pain with my disability and 2: being oblivious to the pain she suffers over my failings.

Please be better than that.

Do lay down boundaries and the reasons for them.
Make sure he understands both the boundary and the reason.

People should refrain from doing ____ because when we do it, ____ happens, or people think that ____ is what it means.
Don't BS him or lie to him.

If I didn't care deeply how he feels, I wouldn't be here. It is the only thing that concerns me, the most important thing in my life. He's grieving, he's being bullied, he's scared of where we live, and he's angry at me because he feels I lied about his dad (when I said he was going to be ok I genuinely believed he would be). So he has no trust for me any more.

That is immensely hard for me, but that's not what matters - I know he can't help it, and I just want him to be happy.

Boundaries are hard, it doesn't matter how I explain it, he doesn't care about them - he doesn't feel he should care, and he's not bothered about the consequences to himself or others. I talk through everything with him, and he responds as if he understands, but then goes on to do it again...and again...and again. Eg. destroying other peoples belongings. He broke his brother's toy guitar...but when I said I would have to buy his brother a new one, he wanted him to have his so he could have the new one. Still does, and if I don't do that, he'll have another screaming kicking episode and break something else...etc.

Ps. I never BS or lie to my children, or anyone for that matter.

When I outgrew spankings, which were minimally effective since they always happened mid meltdown, my parents tried grounding me, which really wasn't a punishment at all. Then my punishments were the loss of items and privilleges. These were much more effective. There were still lots of power struggles. As a teen, my allowance and computer time became a way to regulate and track my behavior, as well as an introduction to budgeting.

I needed to hear my mom say and describe specifically how she felt about her love for me in order to believe it.

Just hearing her say "I love you" wasn't enough, It felt like a trick. This probably strikes as making no sense at all, but out in the real world, people used simple feelings to manipulate, sometimes feelings just weren't and still aren't real to me unless it was described. There were few actions my parents took out of love for me that I felt were from love unless they were accompanied by descriptions.

"because I love you and it makes my insides hurt when I see you suffering, I decided to do ____ for/with you, even though it's not something that I enjoy doing, I know you enjoy it, I hope this will help you be happier, because when you are happy and I see you enjoying things, it makes me feel better too."

this did come with a trade off for me, I attempted to manipulate and try to influence behavior by saying things like "If you really loved me then..."

That was often kindly met with a "because I love you so much I won't let you learn to say things like that," (followed by a spectacularly painful punishment)

Many years later, my relationship with mom is strained, take my words with more than just a grain of salt.

The deep touch therapy sounds interesting! I'm going to look that up now and see what it means. After you find out more you should make a post about it, perhaps.

Thanks ES - I will let you know as soon as she tells me more. As far as I know, it's just gentle firm pressure on head and shoulders/arms, but I'm not sure.

Fozi - I don't hit my children - it's not something I'm comfortable with. I have in the past tried a gentle spank (many years ago) - but it made me feel worse (horrendous, I'd broken my trust) and did absolutely nothing to help the situation, just made things worse. I won't try it again.

Joe is petrified I'm going to hit him even though he has no reason to be afraid of that, it'll never happen. Although I've never seen his dad hit him in the past, the way he flinches when I go near him makes me wonder if I missed something - which breaks my heart. I never want my kids to be scared of me, or hurt, or frightened of anything. The occupational therapist did say that this might be a sign of autism/Asperger's in that he doesn't like touch, but still - it's heartbreaking to see. Once he cowered under the sink in the bathroom mid meltdown because he was certain I was going to hit him

I love my kids with all my heart, there is no part of me that ever wants any of them to be afraid or scared or hurt. That's why I'm trying to find out ways to help him (and indeed all of my kids - in different ways - some are seeing counsellors, for example).

Loss of privileges doesn't work with Joe, it makes his meltdowns worse. I've found myself bargaining with him - eg. "if you're good at the supermarket, then you can have first go on the computer", and now he sees it as a way to get what he wants. I'm not sure what to do - the other kids understand that bad behaviour = no privileges, but he is using it to manipulate the situation. He's a very clever boy!