Question from NT parent: do you make friends? Go on dates?

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I'm a bit of a strange one in that I'm both very AS, and very NT as well... both facets of my personality interact and combine to make the 'whole' me, if that makes sense (maybe it's the ibuprofen talking... damn flu).

I've never had problems in making friends, I just find it fairly hard to keep them if I don't see them all the time. I never really bother keeping in touch, and if they don't seem interested then I give up. A lot of the people I went to high school with were never really on the same level as me, and I think that led to a lot of superficial relationships, some of which were very destructive and others just the kind that come and go... I was bullied a lot at primary school (in retrospect I can understand why, thought I can't pretend to approve in any way; I was very much the definition of an Asperger's girl and didn't do much to help my cause in the eyes of my NT peers) and I think this has led to me being very wary - subconsciously or not - of forming friendships with people. I need to build a lot of trust before I let them see the *real* me.

That said, in the last year I've made some fantastic friends. I'm part of a huge circle of people made up of little sub-groups, which suits me fine. I have my 6 or 7 close friends, and then about 20 others who I can happily chat to for a few hours, and whose company I enjoy, but who I don't see beyond the context of a gig or music setting. It does take the pressure off a lot.

I also have a brilliant boyfriend who I've been with almost 2 years now. He understands me more than I do in some ways, he's so supportive and he's my best friend on top of all this. And he didn't freak when I eventually told him about the AS!! I love him to bits - it's weird, I'd dated before this but always gave up after a month or two because I knew they weren't 'the one' so didn't see the point. Some of my friends found that odd and told me to just have fun, but I never did as it seemed a waste of time. Now I know why! *smug grin*


Hope that helps explain a bit?

when i was younger, i always tried to fit in, to be friends like other people are... but it always boiled down to me having few select friends. around 16-17, there were a few guys and girls i went out with regularly... and i was happy like hell, because finally, i was part of a clique of friends, too. but after a short while, i understood that the clique grew and that i only felt like being among friends when with the small core group of the beginning.
eventually, i saw that my way was the much better thing to do than being the everybody darling type. i may have few friends, and very few id be trusting enough to let them know all and everything about me, but these are real friends. everything else isnt worth it.

as for dating: i never dated. i dislike dating, as it is completely at odds with my idea of a relationship and love. love, to me, is something that is not apparent in the beginning of knowing someone. i may find that person interesting, and fun to be around... and eventually it will turn out to be love. there must be lots and lots of stuff beforehand, though. dating is like meeting with someone to make a quick compatibility test (at best). like meeting someone for the sake of getting to know whether one would like to drag the other one to bed as soon as possible. thats not me... thats not worth it. i just dont get how i could want to meet up with someone with the firstmost and only goal to have a relationship with them. that wont work... too superficial to me.

I had very few friends at school. In primary school I was bullied quite severely and I'm not just talking teasing I'm talking really horrible psychological stuff so that going into secondary school I thought that that was how "friends" behaved.

At university I would say I have had more success socially - although I still wouldn't say that I have many close friends, I wouldn't even class my housemates as close friends (although Im sure that would offend them) because I am so used to being misunderstood that I never really feel like anyone "gets" me or truly knows me. I have also had a lot more anxiety and depression related to socialising at university too though.

I have has successful relationships, at school I had a steady boyfriend and since then I have had a 3 year relationship and am currently a year into a relationship. Although I wouldn't say that I have dated successfully - I have only had long term relationships based on being friends first.

I've never dated. I have had friends though only a few at a time growing up. Most of them my sister inistiated the friendship, others began the prosses themselves, in the act of setting up friendships I tended to be a passive player. I did not hang out much or talk on the phone readily like with normal friendships. I was in clubs though and toward the end of high school started helping with class activities. My siblings had numerous friends most were nice or cordial to me, some treated me as a friend to. Their were a few who didn't but never infront of my siblings. I made friends with adults much easier than my peers even when I was a little kid. I know other aspies though who have many friends and date. Social ability varies with the person and the problems are often not based on lack of the lack of desire for compainionship.

Berserker cannot have friends.

Let's see. In high school I had friends, yes. But I did not make them.

It all started with going to a little teeny tiny elementary school. All the girls hung out together. It was hard not to have friends. One class of students per grade. I still got picked on though. I don't even remember acting that weird, except for my adversion to sports/pe and I would spend recess usually alone (unless the girls wanted to talk about horses or play on the bars, which I was a pro at). I should mention elem. school sucked, I was picked on and horribly manipulated on several occasions... also got into a lot of trouble for reasons I did not (and do not) understand. Oh, and the way I made my best friend was through me being babysat by her mom every day after school.

But I had friends from there. And they carried on to middle school. And through the 6-7 of them that spoke to me regularly, I made a few more friends. Friends by default if you will.

In high school I still had these friends. Through one of them during my sophomore year I met a boy. Who pursued me. I'd been pursued before, but usually they gave up because of my behavior (being weird). But I didn't want to date this boy, only be friends with him. So I showed him exactly how weird I was. And this made him like me even more... so I finally gave in.

Because I dated this boy though, I lost most of my previous friends. Through him though, I became friends w/ his friends.

Then they all graduated, a year before me. Which sucked. Basically last year (my senior year) I was very lonely. I sat at a table with 3 friends and a bunch of acquaintances who barely talked to me much... yes it sucked badly.

I am still dating this boy though. And we are at college together. And I have made some new friends because of him, and have actually made a few friends on my own. Or I made 1 friend on my own. The reason? We both rode horses. She's ADHD too... so a little weird on her end also. But she is very social....

Anyway. I have a terrible time making friends. I just don't know how. I don't have such problem with making acquaintances... but I can never understand how to get them to progress beyond that stage. It's horrible. I'm just glad I have a few friends... about 4, and my boy. He is my best friend and very supportive and wonderful... even though I haven't talked to him about AS yet. I am a little afraid.

... but it is very great that your son can make friends. Some of us AS people can. Some can't. I can't but kudos to anyone who can, please teach me. lol

I've had less and less success at friendships since I was born till today. Today having a friend seems like an unreachable dream.

i've never been big into friends but when i had kids i then found myself trying. I get on with mot people (even though they dont get me) i can be visited in my house by aspie people but freak if "NORMAL" women came around- especially uninvited. Its too much out of my control.

Beautifulspam said "According to the OP himself, his son is lacking the primary diagnostic criterion for AS. Who is being presumptuous?"
Not necessarily, she says he has a girlfriend whom he talks to on the phone, seems to get along ok with school friends, and can chat easily at a coffee shop; she also notes she is not talking about best friends, which I'm assumeing to mean close peer confidants. Aspie's can form social relationships, sometimes its harder and it tends to be easiest outside of the direct peer or inside of an interest focus. We can also improve in social interaction over time and learn some through lots of observation, if we pay attention to it. If she is advidly social, as I take from her post and her analagy to his being like her in the ability to start coffee shop conversations, he has probably been exposed to this socialality his whole life and picked up some understanding of it. If he has a mild case, as it seems from this and other posts, than the transition would be even easier for him. There is a difference between "school friends", who in my break-down of the social heirarchy fall into the acquaintance or associate category, and friends whom you would have a close connection to. Also aspies tend to have high verbal IQ's and talk a lot; usually its the social anxiety issues and fear that stiffle this aspect in its social areas and use. However, these can be overcome enough to talk, a coffee shop will not have just people your age so peer social issues wouldn't always effect it. Plu going with someone you are comfortable with makes it easier.