female, just diagnosed at 42

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Aspash,
oh boy do I feel for you. I definitely understand where you're coming from with all that. I also felt that my husband and I being very opposite in so many ways was a good thing but in the long run it hasn't proven to be the case in our situation. I hate the things he likes to do for fun (car racing), he hates what I love the most (music and going to live concerts), as a result I resent it when he goes to do any car - related thing because I hate it anyway, and on top of that it takes him away from us. He likewise hates and resents and largely forbids (which is a whole 'nother problem in and of itself) me going to any shows, and has openly mocked my interests to my face many times in the past.

We do not like to spend time together anymore because (for example) when we go out to eat he will blow his nose in cloth napkins, put his elbows all over the table, criticize menus, order two whole plates of food because he says portions are too small, but then complain about the price of dessert if anyone wants to get one, but if I call his attention to ANY of those things he will quite happily make a scene right there, hollering at me about how messed up *I* am and threatening divorce, in front of our 12 year old daughter whenever possible of course...

Not to mention how he makes me use a credit card to buy myself anything I want for myself, but won't let me get a job, and rations cash right down to the fives and ones when I ask for grocery money - he makes me itemize and give a rough dollar amount that it will come to (yes I've had to produce receipts before as well - and get this, *I* have two college degrees and he has none and only just mows lawns and plows driveways but won't let me work OR give me any money, what the heck???)...

oh wait I just made this about me... sorry...

Point is boy do I ever get it, like I said. I'm sure our husbands are perfectly suitable human beings but probably not human beings that we would choose to spend the rest of our lives in close proximity to, given the choice all over again. I know that I feel relief when he leaves the house each time, and dread when I hear him pulling back in the driveway.

I can't tell you how many times I've looked at him and had him respond by complaining that I have a b*tchy look on my face, and me saying "what? no, this is just how I look, its just my neutral face" and then he'll say that I'm giving him attitude by both my look AND my "tone of voice" and I''ll defend myself and say that he always takes me wrong and I'm just trying to be nice, and then he'll tell me that I sure have a funny way of showing it and if I think this is how to be nice then I must have had a messed up childhood, so then I get defensive of my childhood and he storms out. So next time he comes in the room I will avoid looking at him and just be quiet and not say anything and actl ike I didn't notice him, to avoid the problem, but then he yells at me for ignoring him!!

Cannot win. He used to complain I was on the computer all the time so I once spent like a week not using it when he was home, instead keeping busy with housework or watching tv or reading. Then he complained that I was always doing THOSE things. So then I thought, FINE THEN, I will just sit on the couch and stare straight ahead, is that alright?? Nope. Apparently that was also wrong. I got yelled at for never doing anything (and always ignoring him, and... and... and... I'm sure there were about three more things, heaven only knows what this time but surely I was doing, saying, or looking wrong in some way, since I always am).

Argh. And again it's all about me. I'm sorry. I'm just illustrating how and why and in what ways I get what you're going through. It's meant to be comforting and a way of empathizing but I guess it just comes across like I'm a narcissistic jerk. But that's not possible because to be a narcissist you have to really love yourself and I just can't stand myself most of the time.

(Living), I think you have every right to be frustrated, with a husband who controls you to that extent, and treats you with disrespect. From what you've written here, the problem isn't you, it's him.

I understand the dilemma of being in a difficult marriage, and trying to decide whether it's worth staying. For me, it wasn't, and I'm glad I broke free. But that's a decision everyone needs to come to in their own time, and I certainly remember the years when I felt staying in the marriage was my best option, so I get that too!

Sorry you're dealing with health care frustrations as well... Hope you can get that stuff straightened out soon!

Welcome to WP! I was diagnosed last year, just after my 43rd birthday. I'm a married male, and suspected I was on the spectrum for 10+ years. Unfortunately, since getting a formal diagnosis isn't cheap, I was a little late to the party.

Well, both of my parents and all of my grandparents are dead, as is one of my siblings and a best friend, so there is no way for me to leave this marriage. I won't be able to do it alone. I have no income, no savings, have not held down a job for longer than a year or two ever, and my largest challenges are social issues. On top of that, I have no friends. And he's a manipulative and scary man. So I can't leave. It is what it is.

I absolutely respect that, and empathize with your situation. (Sorry if my post came across as pushing one solution over another... I honestly didn't mean it that way - words can be so tricky to express properly!) I understand the reality of having to choose between the 'lesser of two evils', and trying to make the best of a difficult situation. We're here for you!!

LivingInParentheses & Aspash, I grew up in an environment similar to your marriages & didn't know any other way of living. I thought that was "love", both by the example of my folks and how our entire family was controlled & emotionally manipulated by my father. So of course I married someone with some of those qualities, too (although they have their own unique traits, too - and some very good ones. They are...a balance of extremes). Anyway, every time I tried to respond to this thread I had to reread the whole thing & it was triggering and...yeah. Anyway, my apologies.

LivingInParentheses, assuming they help you with your thyroid, and assuming they get your endocrine system stabilized (themselves or via an endocrinologist)...since they are also a therapist or can refer you to one, can they also help you figure out in a very practical way for how to deal with your abusive husband so that you aren't just spending the next few decades waiting for the clock to run out (not that I know that feeling...)? Have you considered bringing it up? From what my endo told me when I started hrt at 39, it's actually kinda difficult to stabilize an endocrine system when someone is always running adrenaline and other stress hormones due to anxiety or stress. And yeah, he acknowledged that it can be a chicken-and-egg question when there's a possibility of an actual physical cause, too, because the mimic each other so perfectly. And sometimes they can be one and the same...

Ashariel - it's all good, I'm sorry that I wasn't back sooner to say that. I just had to take some time away from the personal stuff for awhile there.

Edenthiel, I'm sorry I didn't think to put a trigger warning anywhere in the thread. I have always had a hard time understanding trigger warnings. It's something that didn't exist all of my years of internet use right up until like 2-3 years ago. At that time I thought it meant "what you're about to read might drive you to pull the trigger" and so interpreted it as a suicide warning, and figured nothing I write will ever need one because I don't have suicidal readers or ANY readers, because I'm just a regular person not an author/article writer, and even if I was, I didn't post on sites for people with issues like that, in my mind.

Then I realized a few months ago that it means "this might trigger memories of stuff you're trying to suppress/forget/ignore" and I figured "well, that's not healthy for people to do", so I just didn't use them. Then when I started to write a blog I figured, well if I ever get any subscribers or readers I'll worry about figuring out when/what/how I"m supposed to put warnings because I don't even understand all the vocabulary yet that people use in their own warnings. Like, I spent a whole day this past week reading about "ableism" trying to understand what it is. I have concluded it's everything that isn't specifically made for/geared towards/worded thoughtfully in regards to/easily accessible by autistic people, sort of? I'm still trying to work that one out. But then when reading about it I also read about "Aspie Supremacy" and that made me question my entire new-found identity as well.... and well it just snowballed into a huge mess of "this learning curve is too steep for me to walk into like this without screwing stuff up" so I further just stopped writing for a couple of weeks while trying to figure out what I"m supposed to do to avoid being immediately disliked by another entire group of people.

But now that I'm diagnosed and spending time here on WP and reading blogs of autistic adults and stuff I realize that it's not just some new-fangled politically correct nonsense, it's actually important for some people.

So I figured they're needed for stories about rape and child abuse but hadn't thought about my very life experiences being so bad as to be triggers in and of themselves, for which I apologize, and feel the need to point out that I guess that's how used to living this way I am - my life in and of itself is a trigger for people who've been in bad relationships.

Pretty scary. The psychiatrist was wondering where my PTSD type reactions come in, which he described as "fear of people". I could've told him "my husband of course, I can even tell you the incidents that caused it" but I was paying cash out of pocket by the hour. and he didn't ask anyway.

But yeah, so I apologize for that. I'll go back and edit my initial post for future readers.

And yeah, I admit it, I've often thought to myself "well guys die sooner than girls usually so now it's just a matter of waiting this out". But my genetic testing i had done awhile back suggests that I'll go first, and probably in the next 20 years or so, so I really can't just sit around forever, waiting.

re: hormones and thyroid, as long as one eats enough cholesterol, htey have enough precursor to produce enough cortisol to continue to react to stress (no it's not good for you but at least you won't tank out/bottom out and have symptoms that will confuse you as to why you've got that fatigue/lethargy/etc)... but yes they of course say stress is bad, which I know better than they do. They often act like it's an emotion instead of a physical condition in which cortisol is constantly dumping into your system and you stay in a perpetual state of fight or flight. But previous to any of this stress I was already followed by many specialists who were always trying to find out my "hidden autoimmune disease" that everyone was certain I had. When we found the hashimoto's anti-thyroid antibodies everyone finally breathed a sigh fo relief that we found it. But nobody has medicated it.

I can't even go there, I'm not up for being triggered myself (see, I'm learning how this works!).

I'm not sure yet how specific I want to get about the other stuff going on in my life since that, too, will all be triggering to people, so for now I"ll just say thank you once again to you all who are being so kind and supportive. It really is very much appreciated.

If I had a paying job that I could do via my ocmputer I'd be all set, saving up my own money for whatever it gets really bad here again. But two degrees in web programming/writing/philosophy type stuff sounds great but I don't know what to do with it. But I do type over 90 words per minute too so if anyone has any suggestions or offers let me know.. it'll probably save at least my own life someday, if not my kids' as well.

If you are a fast typist you might be a good transcriptionist. It's often a work-from-home, freelance kind of job. You can set up your own PayPal account to keep your husband from having access to your earnings. Here are some listings you might look through: http://www.indeed.com/jobs?q=transcription&l=

I Don't know how I missed this reply until now, I'm sorry! Thank you for this suggestion, I never know what websites are real/legit so have always held off on any of the "work from home" ones because I always assume they're scams. Do you know if this is a fully legit site? Have you or anyone you know ever done this kind of work, or used this site? Just wondering what kind of money there is in it. I type so fast that I'd get a good bit done in short time so I presume places like that pay by how much you do, not by how long you work...? Because I can get busywork earning $15 an hour at a fast food places standing still taking orders into a headphone easily enough - if I'm going to actually be utilizing both of my degrees (computers and writing) then I would want to be paid accordingly - as in, NOT like a fast food worker. (Sorry I"m more blunt first thing in the morning ) ... and is there any way to be sure the jobs I'm looking at all allow telecommuting? I dont live in any cities or anything, I'd have to be able to work from home. I do have my own paypal and my own bank account already. thanks again!

edited to add - now that I think about it, any job I do will have to be under the table because right now we qualify for medicaid and if I earn money then we will not qualify anymore and we will have to pay for health insurance and all associated prescriptions, tests, etc for three people every month.

So I either have to earn nothing, or get paid under the table, or earn SO SO SO much that I can easily pay premiums for three people (which will feel the same as not working and still having insurance) and then feel like I'm still pocketing an entire salary on top of it (so that I end up with the same thing I have now, plus an income).

I can't imagine that being possible now that I think about it. Bleh. I always forget about that until it comes right down to it. That's why I'm trapped more than any other reason.

^^ following up, I was just looking aroudn online and it says that the amount that I would have to pay per month for three people is going to be around $727 (family plan) or $250 per month per individual ($750). PER MONTH.

So lets see, at $15/hr at 40 hours per week that's still only $600 before taxes each week, so it's going to take the better part of half a month's pay just to earn back the insurance that we'd lose IF I work full time (except my insurance has no copays and covers everything, and these prices are for plans with high deductibles and prescription copays will suddenly exist, and my glaucoma medicine is like $250 per tiny bottle so who knows how much that copay will be each time, and I do get MRIs and CT scans every so often and who knows how much THOSE copays would be...)

... plus I can't work any 40 hours per week, maybe 20 at most, so now I have to work almost three out of four weeks per month just to get back the insurance we'd lose (except it wouldn't actually as good as what I have now), and factoring co-pays in would still break me even at best, but at worst I'd be paying out of pocket some sort of money EVERY TIME we pick up a prescription and get testing, etc. which would quickly make it so that I have 20 less hours per week of my own time, 20 more hours per week of potential overload situations, and never quite know if we're going to be able to make ends meet and/or be able to afford to take care of our health because suddenly there would be copays and deductibles to worry about coming up with.

yeah it's more cost effective for me not to work.

That is so messed up.

You could apply for disability benefits with your new diagnosis, and be eligible for Medicare or something similar. If you chose to end your marriage to your controlling husband, he would likely be required to pay for insurance and support your children until they are adults. Don't feel you are trapped in an abusive marriage because of financial reasons--you have options now.