Hi - words of support for my 7 year old Aspie would be good

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I have read we use most of our energy through our eyes.

I think we pick up on the flow, so as ZanneMarie says, My own eyes and face unnerve me.

Whatever it is a lot of us have it.

The best results I have heard favor letting it develop naturally. By mid-teen years people report they started making eye contact with no problem.

Those of us who were forced seem to get stuck at an early stage and never mature out of it.

I read in a book that it is really hard for the aspie child to concentrate on eye contact and bring up the images in their head to answer questions. My son said his mind works when he looks at my hair because it dont move or show emotion. and it still looks like he is making eye contact.he also explained his mind works like a dvd recorder and if i give him a minute he will answer me cause he has ro rewind and play the tape again to recall an experience to know what i am talking about.

jesseshope,

Ah! The famous aspie pause.

Cause of most NT problems.

They want the movie to stop, and demand it be explained in words!

They want it now! And face to face.

No reply is good enough,

Tell me all about the works of Shakespear, in five words or less.

Describe a sunset over the ocean, in three words.

What is the meaning of life? In two words.

They constantly demand answers, and are never happy with any.

Now I say, Maybe, to all things.

When in a good mood, rare, I question the question, what is it you want to know?

To get an answer you must first ask a question that makes sense.

You have nothing but words, and still have not learned to use them?

I have found I induce an NT pause, when asked to explain the meaning of their words,

they stand with their mouths open, eyes blank, for to them, thought blanks out words.

I just read the book by squire, Through my eyes, a life with aspergers, Quinn Koeneman.

Quinn wrote it at thirteen, he covers eye contact better than anythng else I have read.

He writes well and being a kid with AS, and nothing but being a kid and AS to write about. He nails it.

Thanks Inventor. I'll have to look for that book at the library.

The Special Ed. teacher and I have decided to leave the eye contact thing. We'll explain to him why N.T's like it, but not insist that he do it.

We're also getting him to practice saying, "I am listening to you. I find it easier to listen if I don't have to look at you." if someone insists on eye contact.

A couple of weeks ago I sat in on a lesson with the special ed teacher. The special ed teacher gave the explanation of why we look at people when they're talking (from a N.T.) perspective.

He then tried to get Daniel to practice looking at him.

Daniel completely lost it!! I had to take him home and he was upset for the rest of the day.

Fortunately, the Special Ed teacher is fantastic. He saw how stressful it was for Daniel and that's when we decided to leave it for now.

Smelena

My mum (who happened to see this), says from experience that trying other ways to signal "Yes, I'm listening to you" can help. For example, holding hands or other such things (obviously that could only be used for family members).

hey! I'm new as well. Your son Daniel is so lucky. When I was his age I didn't even know what was wrong with me, I just learned I had Aspergers a few weeks ago. Elementary and Middle school is the hardest time for Aspies,kids tended to bully me simply because they didn't know how to respond to me.I still have problems with the eye contact thing, but I'm a lot better now than I was when I was his age. It's just one of those things he can only learn on his own. I think the most important thing for your son to have at this age is to have confidence in himself-something I'm still trying to learn.

Thanks buggsley. Yes Daniel is very lucky! His grade 1 teacher has a son with Asperger's so she recognised it with Daniel very quickly.

I'm so pleased he got diagnosed young. We have lots of time to build up his coping strategies and self-esteem.

He's proud to have Asperger's and says his brain is his best friend. He loves a book I bought that has famous people in history with Asperger's - Lewis Carrol, Hans CHristian Anderson, ANdy Warhol, Albert Einstein etc.

He also loves WP and the support he gets.

Regards
Smelena

Smelena,

I think you and Special Ed teacher need to understand that you are trying to make NTs feel comfortable, not Daniel.

Here's what I do and it works even at my job. I would suggest it instead of pretend. I'm no fan of pretending that we aren't different. That causes more and bigger problems because the NT thinks you get it and when it isn't right, they get insulted and upset. Or, Daniel is going to walk around with others thinking he got what they were trying to communicate when in fact he did not. That's a bad situation and I don't think it's good to encourage it.

This is how I get around it. I just tell the person flat out, "I'm not looking at your eyes because I can't read your eyes at all and because I can't read them, I don't know what you are thinking. It unnerves me. If I look away from your eyes, I can actually hear what you are trying to tell me. I just wanted you to know. I didn't want you to think I was being rude."

I was always a pretty blunt person, but that seems to work for me. Most NTs I've met just think, Oh my God, how horrible and rush to assure me it's okay, they understand. Yes, I meet some winners, but what are they going to do? One minute of me staring into their eyes and they are ready for me to look away in any case. No one likes my gaze, they think it's too intense. I'm actually just concentrating trying to get something out of it and I tell them that if it happens.

I can only tell you what worked for me, but it's worked out pretty well. I went all the way through school and college with no special ed, got married and have a career. So telling the truth and not pretending worked for me. You'll have to see what works for him. Just make sure you are trying to teach him to help him and not to make others feel more comfortable. That comfort, I find, is just temporary.

Personally, I find eye contact to be discomforting - almost physically painful, at times. The only people whose eyes I can look into for more than a fleeting moment are those of my wife, and our children. (These are also the only people who can touch me without making me flinch. I think it may be possible that these factors are interrelated.)

DanielUbby, welcome to the wonderful world of Asperger's! Like others here, I envy you the early diagnosis, although had it existed when I needed it, it might have actually made things worse for me (look up Bruno Bettelheim and the Refrigerator Mother Hypothesis sometime - and be glad you're living in the modern era!). At least when people complain about how you are (and they will, young friend, they will), you've got something you can tell them that should defuse the matter. "Look, buddy, I'm Aspie - back off, okay?"

I find looking at people's eyes scary!

Hi ubby,

I don't like people looking at my eyes, but i can look at other peoples. You like that or do you not like them at all? and don't cry - we're here for you

Do you mind telling us what you find scary about them?

He will like to eye contact beaultifull girls at future, but now it's too early.

I am a 19yo who has been diagnosed with AS for as long as i can remember and for 16 years of my life I have had the same problem.

The best advice i can offer your son is don't look people in the eye!

instead, when he has to look at someone tell him to try and look at the point directly in between their eyes. by doing this i have found that I can give the impression that I am maintaining eyecontact without feeling uncomfortable! It Works!

Hi UbbyUbbyUbby,

How is home schooling? I like it. Something new to learn every day.