Am I an Aspie?

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Hi all,

I'm a 45 year old woman. For years, my mother has been saying that she thinks I have mild Asperger's. More recently, however, a couple of other people have made a similar informal diagnosis. So, I went to check things out on line. I took all of Aspie tests I could find and scored within the Aspie range on all of them -- even high end on one. And yet, I'm not entirely convinced. Could you let me know what you think?

First, the strengths, weaknesses and tendencies that seem to suggest aspieness.


*Strengths:

1. Great memory -- for facts, dates, words (when I'm interested in something). (Symptom lists say "rote" memorization. But for me, memorization feels almost effortless, which is not exactly something the word "rote" implies.)
2. Focused (but not overly specialized) interests. I'm good at a whole range of academic subjects, which I love studying intensely (I'm currently finishing a Ph.D. in French Literature, but have a BM in music, a BS in Computer Science and worked for a while as a Software Engineer.)
3. Sincerity. OK. Maybe I should say: "Sincerity to a fault" and place this under weaknesses.
4. Unusual associations. I often see things from a different point of view than others. (Someone recently remarked that I always say things "with a little twist.")
5. In general, lack of interest in social conventions. (Yes, for me this is definitely a positive.) I'm just not into all the materialistic stuff. Heaven for me? Just put me in a room with a bunch of books. Or let me wander outside and absorb the natural world (love that too). I just do not care about clothes, nice house, nice car, etc. I also almost never wear makeup or jewelry ... or do my hair. Heck, I don't even own a blow-dryer.

*Weaknesses/problems:

1. Deadlines. Yuck. 'Nuf said?
2. Detail oriented cognitive style. According to others, I focus too much on details and not enough on the big picture. However, I've always experienced this as systematizing a *different* big picture from the details -- but most often teachers have not seen it like this ... until they see the final product ... if I ever get that far.) I'm also extraordinarily sensitive to subtle differences and patterns. (This is what helps me do good literary readings and analyses and what used to help me be a good programmer.)
3. Not being a people person. Not caring about small talk. Feeling somewhat awkward in social situations. This is nowhere near the problem it used to be because I'm married to an academic (Comp Sci. professor) and most of our friends are kinda like me. But it used to be pretty bad. I think I went through all four years of high school without saying more than 500 words (total) ... and was bullied (of course).
4. I also have (mild) speech and hearing problems. I had never even considered that these issues could have anything whatsoever to do with my other traits. Nor had I heard of Sensory Integration Dysfunction before. I was always wondering why, on the one hand, I simply couldn't hear things when more than one person spoke at once, or when there was any kind of interfering noise, yet, on the other, had very acute hearing according to tests I had done. A real eye-opener.
5. Sensitivities. I'm 45 and I'm *still* afraid of loud noises. (Absolutely horrible when I was I kid. My Mom says this was the hardest thing she had to deal with. I remember simply refusing to anywhere where there might be a loud noise ... like the subway.) Also, just general sensitivity. Recently my husband convinced to go on a rollercoaster with him. Hard to describe the sheer, mind-numbing terror (even with my eyes closed the entire time).
6. Have problems telling my right from my left. I know where my left is, because my wedding ring is on that hand. Most people, apparently, don't think like this.
7. Meltdowns. This is actually one of the things I hope to get out of this board. More ways to cope. It's gotten better over the years. I've devoured every self-help book imaginable and have tried putting the tips to work. Now I only melt down once every couple of months. But still, I can't tell you how much I hate this. It's so humilitating afterwards and costly too sometimes ... when things get damaged. Another problem with meltdowns ... once or twice they have occurred at school or in professional situations. Not good. Not good at all!
8. Problems with focus. This is the second thing I'm trying to work on. You'd think that being in academia would be just great for an Aspie (if I am one). However, I'm struggling to retain interest in my thesis topic. I found it terrifically fascinating when I started many years ago. But now my interest has shifted (to plants ... I now crave botanizing) and I'm struggling to retain interest in my topic. When I do succeed in interesting myself, writing gets accomplished. When I don't, nothing happens. Really. Nothing. But, I really, really want to finish my dissertation. I've come so far, I don't want to have everything fall apart now.
9. Phobias, particularly claustrophia. Thanks, but no elevators for me.



I think what has been most convincing for me so far was the question: Do you like looking at slowly moving water?"

My first thought: What an odd question! Certainly, nobody ever says: "Hey, ya wanna come over my place and look at some slowly moving water tonight?" But, when I thought about it, I realized that, in fact, I adore looking at moving water and regularly do so minutes (and sometimes hours) on end. Once when I had a day to myself at a beach resort, I just stood (in exactly the same spot) and watched the tide come in for about three hours. A transcendent experience. Moreover, my favorite TV show is "Sunrise Earth." No narration. No people. Just real time views of sunrises (typically over water).

Questions:

There are some aspergers symptoms that I simply do not have -- or at least not in a typical way.

1. Expression. I'm actually super expressive (instead of inexpressive) in my voice and my facial movements. I trained as a classical singer for a long time, and my teacher said I was one of the most beautifully expressive singers he had ever heard. My hunch though is that I don't apply this expressivity well in social situations ... that it becomes a form of emotional honesty that others are uncomfortable with. Over the years I've gotten a few comments such as: "You know, *most* people have learned how to control their expressions." "Or, why are you looking at me like that?" Or "why are you making that face?" And once I almost got kicked out of a class once b/c my teacher thought I was silently mocking him, when I was just trying to follow along the lecture. Also, in spite of the expressivity, I cannot act to save my life.

OTOH, I have no problem reading others' facial expressions. I did really well (better than average) on the face reading test.

2. Clumsiness. Really I don't have this either. OK, I kinda suck at every team sport -- except soccer. I can do that because I don't have to catch or throw a ball. (<=== impossible). I also can't dance well, although I've always really wanted to (and have taken classes). But ... I'm not at all clumsy in the sense that I drop things or run into things or trip constantly (that would be my husband ).

And, finally, I go on and on about things that interest me. Can you tell?


But seriously, does this sound like I'm "on the spectrum?" Or just to the side of it? Really Aspie? Or an NT/Aspie mix? Or just unconventional NT? If you think I'm an Aspie, what do you think about the expressivity issue? Could this be somehow related to the fact that I'm female. Is there a feminine version of Aspergers? (I read somewhere that the traits might be milder (or different?) in women.)

Hmm?

I'm not formally diagnosed nor am I a doctor but you sure sound like you have AS to me. The meltdowns and sensitivity to sound are what are most obvious to me. Do you do anything that might be considered stimming. Like rocking, hand flapping, ect.?

This can go either way. I know this describes me some of the time better than not having any expressions but I get accused of both.



Sounds like Asperger's to me but it's not worth a diagnosis if you can work or don't need any accommodations. I think females don't get diagnosed with Asperger's as much as men because it's more accepted for females to come off as shy and a lot of them do.

I'm not sure if hair-pulling and picking at my scalp counts. It used to be so bad that I very frequently had a bloody scalp or scabs (totally gross, I know). My husband was worried about possible infection ... so now I've gotten to the point where I just stroke my hair w/o picking at my head.

Rocking ... I only do this when I'm sick (fever). But then, I really do it. I just sit in bed and rock.

Hi and Welcome.

Have a shot at the aspie quiz...

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

It's surprisingly accurate.

Oh yeah. I tried that Aspie quiz and got 130/200. It said that that score was in the Aspie range.

It does sound as though you qualify.

The specific disability that characterises aspergers is in real-time responsiveness, usually in reception of, and immediate response to non-verbal signals. I don't know if that helps your uncertainty, but - if you can effectively keep up with other people's feelings in the everyday social hurly-burly then you're probably not aspie. If not, if you've never really understood that part of things, aspergers may offer an explanation.

One of the things I found hard about the diagnosis was moving from a world view in which how I was was my model for how everyone else was to a different one - where nearly everyone else had access to an information source I'd never known anything about.

Yeah ... a real feeling of sudden exclusion, no?

A lot of people have mentioned what a relief it was to be finally diagnosed. I honestly can't say the same thing (even though it's only a matter of informal diagnosis). I've known for a long time that I was different .... sometimes very different from others, but the positive differences were ego syntonic (characteristics that I identified with and thought were inherently "me") and all the negative traits (oversensitivity, "egoism," "procrastination," bad temper, speech problems etc.) were ego dystonic (characteristics that I did not identify with, thought were not inherently "me," provoked by bad circumstances, bad habits, what have you). It was truly sobering to see both the good and the bad as related and both equally part of me. Yeah, sobering and a little depressing. Unfortunately, it's not as if I can "unknow" this now. Just like when I finally realized that God didn't exist. There were still times afterwards that I dearly wanted him to exist. But one can't really "unknow" the truth.


OK ... maybe I'll trot on over to threads/fora that remind aspies how great they are (or just do google searches for Einstein and aspergers ).

I'm not really sure. For a very long time, I've succeeded in arranging my life so that I do not find myself in the typical situation of "social hurly-burly." Most of my socializing is one-on-one in a quiet setting with people who, if they were diagnosed, would probably also be considered high-functioning aspergers. We have a terrific time talking about shared intellectual topics together and admire each other's "wierdness."

But probably yes ... When I have to socialize with my in-laws or with other NTs, I have a sense of bewildered boredom and wind up tuning out.

Welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet community, fellow-traveler pamplemousse.

Welcome to WP!

Aspie or not, welcome. I hope you'll feel at home here.