Hi Tiffanyanne,
Age 10 is too old for "violent" discipline to be effective. Smacking will have no effect, other than to make him accept that violence is a way of solving problems. (I'm not against smacking but I think at this age, you're increasing the danger).
Aspergers is not, and should never be used as, a crutch. It is however a real condition with real impact. You could benefit from learning which of Chase's behaviours are aspergers-related and which are not.
It will also be difficult for Chase to move between houses where varying levels of strict-ness are enforced.
Can you define the rudeness - are we talking about rude speech or about waving one's private parts about. Both can be aspie symptoms but the behaviours have to be tackled differently.
The major anger problems you describe could be meltdowns. These are very much an aspie thing. They won't even necessarily be enirely caused by the problem at hand but usually have a longer-term cause. When he's in a meltdown state, you need to leave the room (or gently encourage him to). He needs to be alone in order to land himself. On no account should you disturb, tease, laugh or even touch him in this state. It's bad enough when a meltdown is directed at objects - or himself. Interference could cause it to focus on you and your daughters.
He needs to be taught how to recognise a meltdown BEFORE it happens and how to remove himself from a situation.
As far as the games/movies are concerned. You're best off working out a "timetable" of when these activities are permitted and making sure that it's prominently displayed when he's around. Removing gaming priviliges from aspies is often counter-productive. It's ok to remove them for a BIG thing but you need to pick your battles. Aspies need a fair amount of alone-time to recharge and avoid the things that lead to meltdowns.
As far as conversation is concerned, you probably can't expect a great deal. Aspies aren't usually the world's best conversationalists - except when talking about their special interests. That doesn't mean don't try... don't let him have "no conversation" - he needs it in order to grow.
I'm sorry if so far this feels like it's all about him and his needs. It's just that these need to be understood and met. Aspergers does have some limitations in that regard.
Now for discipline...
You need to establish a firm hierarchy of discipline. Work out what to you is a "capital offence", what are lower offences and what is annoying but tolerable. Let the small stuff go. You can deal with that later. For now, concentrate on the big stuff.
It's tempting to start punishment on the first offense but unfortunately, you have to cut him a bit of slack. For example; if he's fighting with another child while playing a video game, you need to make him stop. Explain that this is not acceptable and tell him what to do if a fight looks about to happen. For example; if he claims to be teased, then he may need to come downstairs and talk to you about it instead of retaliating.
When issues recurr... If he has acted correctly, you need to take corrective actions against the cause of the problem. If he has instead taken his own action, then you need to remove him from the game - even if it means turning it off.
This is most effective if you only remove him from it for one hour at first. Then let him go back. After a few repeats, you'll want to increase the time. He will start to learn.
Writing lines is counterproductive. If you have an issue with him or his behaviour, you should instead find a way for him to "fix it". For example, if he has been rude to you, then perhaps he needs to help with the washing. If he has upset a sibling, then he needs to play with them on their own terms for a while.
Don't forget to reward for good behaviour too.
If you start creating rules and "punishments", you might want to supply them to his mother. Depending upon your relationship with her, she might accept some of them. This will at least make life easier when he next visits.
Anyway, these are just a few ideas.
26 Jul 2009, 10:33 pm
