N00b here...
Well, not really. I am in my mid-forties and have only just recently discovered that most of the rest of the residents on this ball of mud are not overly emotional irrational wrecks incapable of achieving their potential as sentient and sapient beings, they are just different. I've also gained some insight as to why I seem to cause them difficulties or distress at times.
To me, AS is a difference, not a handicap. I don't know any other way to be. I process the world in a more cognitive way than most, and I've found ways to play to my strengths in life. Learning of my AS has given me more pieces of the puzzle. The metaphor that seems to fit is one of different languages and cultures. Knowing better my differences from the "norm" (always quoted, it is an imaginary construct after all) allows me to be more aware of how they affect my interactions with the NT crowd.
However, I don't think my newfound knowledge will stop me from evangelizing my world view and its advantages to others. I am merely wired a bit differently in ways that serve me well more often than not even if those ways can make some folks a bit uncomfortable unless I temper them. I've known that long before I knew of my AS. I wish I'd known long ago, but I was already well into my adulthood when AS was added to the DSM. Back in the early 70's there was a period where the special ed folks thought I might be autistic, but they dropped the idea when they discovered my intellectual development was advanced. Knowing what I know now might have saved two marriages, but then again, anyone could say that. It's simply the nature of personal growth.
Looking through the forums here I feel like I've stumbled across the ethnic ghetto of my homeland. I'm like a Chinaman in Chinatown. It's not home, but at least the folks seem to be from generally the same cultural background, and even if we don't speak the same dialects, at least the core language seems to be the same.
A sociopath friend of mine likens me to Boxer of Animal Farm. I will work harder, and my faith will not waver. And in the end, the glue factory awaits. It seems some sort of fatalism is a coping skill for many with AS, at least judging from the Norse references and nihilist inferences I've seen.
Difficulty with abstract thought and viewing the bigger picture? From where I stand, I see more of the bigger picture than the NTs, their focus is impaired by their egos and irrational emotions. They never stop to consider I am just as frustrated with them as they are with me. The difference seems to be numbers are on their side, thus my dissapointment or displeasure is not "correct". I speak what I feel, my feelings are just different. The NTs are as unable to read me as I am them, and continually tell me of emotions they perceive in me that just aren't there. To me, they are projecting. They are compelled to use their emotional intuition and empathy to read me, and I don't have the right signals for them anymore than they have the right ones for me.
It's ok, though. I will work harder. If they can't bridge the gap, I will. I don't need or desire a "cure", I am just fine, thank you. I just have to be diligent and aware so as not to piss off the natives in the strange and foreign land I find myself in on a daily basis. I'd rather make the trip to the glue factory later than sooner, and walking proudly on my own terms than prodded by a mob with torches and pitchforks.
27 Aug 2009, 1:03 am
