Hello & morbid thoughts

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Hi,

I am a recently self diagnosed aspie mum. I have been ghosting wrongplanet for a while now as I contemplate what being an aspie means for me. So much of the information I have read here applies to myself offering me clarity and very many lightbulb moments. I see myself, my life, in so many of your words. This has given me an increasing degree of understanding and acceptance of myself which has been lacking for so many years. So thank you.

One thing that I am particularly curious about, some posters refer to "morbid" or "dark" thoughts.

My whole life I have lived with such thoughts. Not depression per se. Perhaps I can give some examples:

During my teen years, if my parents went out for the day and did not return home by appointed time I immediately assumed they had been involved in some kind of accident and were dead. I would play out a scene in my head. I would be reduced to tears. I would plan their funeral service. Then they would be home and I would forget about it.

Most recently, my son was sick with pneumonia. Again, I assumed he would die. I laid in bed crying picturing myself carrying his tiny casket. He was fine. I let it go.

Same thing with my daughter. I chose what song I would play at her funeral etc., etc.

Apart from the macabre nature of this thinking, the thing that really confuses me is that normally I don't cry. People hurt me in real life, I don't cry. Both my parents are now dead. I didn't/don't cry. Relationships fail. I don't cry. But in these imagined moments, I really do feel the pain and I cry.

So I'm curious. Is this kind of morbid daydreaming typical of aspies? Does anyone relate to these kind of thoughts?

I am grateful for any feedback.

Thankyou.

Welcome to WP!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to WP!

I'm glad that the forums are helping you! I don't know whether it's typical to AS since I'm only recently diagnosed and still getting used to the idea, but I do have similar thoughts. Like if my parents are late and I hear sirens of any sort, it's pretty much "Oh no! Something's happened!" but mine don't go much beyond that. I can't say I've ever thought what music would play at someone's funeral.

Perhaps if you were to ask the question in one of the main forums you might get more answers?

The problem with asking that question here is that there's no large body of NTs to say, "Oh, I do that too."

It may be a common human thing... I certainly know people who worry about their loved ones whenever someone is late or ill to what seems like an extreme degree to me.

Perhaps it's your way of releasing pent-up tears... I have strategies like that. Sometimes I can feel grief, but not access unless I watch a particular TV show, which will help me cry it out.

Anyway, welcome to WP!

Welcome to WP.

I do that though, like my dad is almost always on time when he picks me up from somewhere, so if he is late I automatically assume he crashed...

I know not if it is typical of Aspies, but it is de rigueur for me.

I "rehearse" everything that may come to pass given present conditions and I hate it, yet I can't help it.

If I have to go back to a store to return something (because it is the wrong part, for example), I have bad anxiety and imagine potential conversations with the clerks all night, with me trying to justify myself to an increasingly hostile audience.

It is irrational, I know--I've never had such a problem in real-life. But in my mind, oh--it's bad, despite positive past experiences. I've even just thrown stuff out to avoid such.

Yeah. I relate.

Nice to meet you, chanteuse - welcome to the Wrong Planet community.

thankyou for your replies.

I take the point that such thinking may occur throughout wider community (which cannot be determined on WP forum). I have always felt like there was something really wrong with me to play out these scenarios in my head. I guess I was kinda hoping it is typical aspie thinking so that I can explain it away rather than having to question it further. It is reassuring though that I am not alone having these kinds of thoughts. I totally relate to playing out all kind of scenarios in my mind to prepare me for lots of things which may or may not happen. My brother tells me it is such a waste of time and energy. He may be right; however, he has very strong narcissistic traits and unless something impacts him personally he rarely wastes any energy on anyone/thing else so I'm not sure he is the best adviser.

I'm seeing my therapist today... if I remember, I'll ask her how common it is and whether it's anything to be worried about.

But I've got a suspicion fantasizing various scenarios, especially worst-case, and how we'd respond is more common than anyone lets on. It's the grown-up version of the monster under the bed.

I just joined half an hour ago, read your post here, and i do the exact same thing. When i was a kid, i'd worry unduly about my parents/brothers being killed in some kind of accident. If any of the cats didn't come home when they usually did, i'd have horrible thoughts running through my head which i couldn't stop myself from thinking. Maybe it's an Aspie thing, maybe it's just a quirk of some people's personalities... who knows?