New member intro and a question

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Hi,

I'm PaganMom, and I have AS. It's fairly mild and I've spent forty something years pushing myself to be outspoken and "friendly" etc. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY except my Mother knows about my Dx, and I'm keeping it that way, just because. I've been married 22 years and have 4 kids and am expecting my first grandbaby in March (Yeah, I guess I'm old now lol). None of my kids show any signs of AS and my husband just learned to deal with my quirks so he doesn't really ask anymore.

Now, on to my question. We moved to this hellhole of a backwoods town about 10 years ago for the school system. I don't know anybody here or have friends and would like to keep it that way but I've noticed for the past few years a guy who works at the store who I'm pretty sure has AS. He's friendly and the only time I've spoken with him is to ask him where something is or why they don't have okra etc anymore, but I wanted to ask him if he has AS. There's no real REASON for me to do that or to even know if he does or not, I just want to know and if he does say "Hey" to him and say "Well, I'm glad to know somebody else like me down here" and that's really all. He's in his early 20's and my oldest son went to school with him and I've asked him about the guy and he wasn't popular at all and everybody thought he was wierd (Been there, lived that one before myself) and I don't want to come across as odd by going up to a total stranger and asking "Hey, you got Aspergers?". Also, because I've spent pretty much all my life ACTING NT I'm not sure he would even believe me and I don't want him to think I'm making fun of him or anything.

Is this polite to do, or is this beyond rude or what? I would probably freak if somebody asked me if I have it because I've spent all these years acting like THEM, but this guy talks to himself and rocks and stims a lot when he's working, and that's probably the reason people treated him so badly. So, I'm sure he's aware he does it. I can usually deal with most social situations, even though I hate to, but this one has me stumped. I saw him today actually when I was buying groceries but he had another guy helping him stock the produce so I didn't want to ask him in front of a coworker, especially since I don't know if this is polite or not.

I've been lurking here a while and reading the forums and it seems a friendly place. I did register under another email address just to read, but have never posted and didn't intend to when I registered there, so because I wanted to post, I come over here and registered with my correct account and all.

Anyway, I look forward to meeting ya'll and to getting to know some of you folks, and hopefully I'll get an answer to my question.

Thanks,
PaganMom

Welcome to WP!

Hmm. Well, first of all, welcome...

I'm still a kid, and I'm very...external with my disorder, but not an outcast....

What I'd suggest is either leave him be or just switch off your own "normal" when it comes to talking to people. I mean, you're not going to jail if you just walk up to him, and if people think you're weird, they have a point, but who cares?

Not like it's their buisness

But yeah, I'd just walk up to him and say that you were a lot like him a bit ago, and if he knew why it is that some people are like that.

Possibly he's been diagnosed, possibly not... Worst you can do is get him thinking.

I'dve loved to have an elder sage to learn from...(Yes I went there)

Hope it helps, my opinion ain't fact, it's well-put conjecture and a pinch of experience at best.

Hello, and welcome home.

I have never walked up to anyone and asked them if they had AS, but that is because anyone in my life I have ever known who is, has told me (or I was their teacher and was told). But if someone were to ask me, I don't think it would bother me. I haven't been formally diagnosed (just biding my time until the next time I meet with the shrink), so my answer would likely sound like, "Yeah. I'm pretty sure I do. Do you?", but that is just me. I think if you are genuinely curious, you should ask. Sometimes finding out you're not alone is about the greatest thing that can happen to you. And who knows, you might motivate the kid to find out more about himself.

Hi Paganmum, welcome to WP.

This may sound the unfriendly thing to do, but I think you may be better to leave this guy be; you have no idea what really goes on in his head or what can of worms you could be opening; you are just guessing that he has aspergers, and even if he does, there may be more to it than that.

Also, you never know, he could be happy and having a stranger diagnose him with some odd disorder could upset that balance.

There is a real temptation when you meet someone with obviously aspie characteristics to try and wheedle a diagnosis out of them or hint it to them, but I really don't think it's appropriate to do so; it would be different if it were a family member, but if you were to tell a complete stranger, would you not feel responsible for his reaction and reactions thereafter?

If you wish to be friendly, then a simple hello would probably suffice.

Welcome, PaganMom, to the Wrong Planet community.

If it is really as backwoods as you say, then he probably doesn't have a diagnosis even if he has AS. You might just make him uncomfortable.

At least it isn't so backwoods that it doesn't have internet access

I agree that it would be safe to not ask him, because you don't know about whether or not he's aware of being autistic, or about whether he has a positive, negative, or in between attitude about autism. His response might be unpredictable.
To meet other autistic people, perhaps you can do a search for an AS group near the place you live. You can do a search for one on the following website: www.meetup.com. Perhaps, you can also do a search for an autism specialist and ask the specialist if they know a nearbye meetup group. (Who knows, if there is one, maybe the guy would show up in the meeting.)

Most people don't have a clear idea what the word Autism even means - if he's never been diagnosed and you ask him something like that, it'll be like a stranger walked up to him and said "Hey - are you a ret*d?"

Sounds to me like he's probably already had to deal with enough of that sort of thing in his life. Unless you get to know him personally FIRST, are aware of his history and have some idea how such a suggestion might be received, I'd say keep it to yourself for the time being.

You might really hurt or insult him if he doesn't have an ASD diagnosis, and might horribly embarrass him if he does and doesn't realize how much it shows.

If you'd like to break the ice and get to know him better, nod at him when he's stimming and say:

"I do that all the time. Sometimes I just can't be still. People give me all kinds of grief about it - they say things like "What are you, Autistic?" I say"Yeah...lil bit, what's it to ya?"."

Then its about you, not him and sounds less like you're making fun of him.

I read your question, and my answer is don't ask him so suddenly, like right out of the blue (that is if you are wondering if he has aspergers). I would say get to be friends with him, and then after a while, ask him. But before you ask him say something like "can I ask you a question?" or something like that. But then after talking with him a while you might not feel like it's a big deal to ask him anymore. This is what I would be doing if I was really wondering: I am not an advice columnist type. If you don't feel comfortable asking him just leave it alone for the time being.

My parents would have expect a baby in March but I lost it. Hopefilly I will get knocked up again in no time when we start trying again.


I am surprised you kept your DX from your husband. At least it explain your quirks to him.

Unless I was absolutely convinced the benefit would be his, I would not say a word about AS at all.