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Hello all,

Not even sure why I'm here. Autism is such a cool thing i guess, and i just desperatley want to be one

And i should have joined yesterday. Nevermind.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Welcome to the Wrong Planet neighborhood, FearAndLoathing.

Welcome to WP!

Thank you for your warm welcome

I guess this is the part where i write some lines about myself.
Since im already here, i guess we are already past the austism/Asperger's part and i can start from there, or rather where everyone else starts; with their autism test results:

Aspie: 176/200
NT: 15/200

I have always been different, thats no news, not to anyone, and not to me. Some of my friends even go so far as to call me a genius, and thats complete BS, i am smart, but not genius smart. Ok perhaps i am, according to the MENSA test i took some years ago, but i found that there were noone i could really relate to there either--i found those to be smart, on a level im not smart (i cant do math for example) but logic comes natural to me, i can write C code in my head, and it will actually compile.. Much of the reason my friends call me a genius i suppose, its just an inaccurate obvservation..

Electronics and computers and stuff like that comes natural to me, none the less i have to understand how things works from the bottom up, and after a relative long life, the models are starting to be developed. When i was a kid, in preschool i already built alarm systems and took my other stuff apart for parts to use in assorted random projects. My grandfather, his father, and my uncle is (and was) electric and electronic engineers, so no one in my family really found it that unnatural or ackward, it was just the way things was. Atleast how it looked from my perspective (and i assume, from theirs), but thats been one of the things ive never been good at, so who knows. And i guess i never really cared, i think, alteast it never crossed my mind.

I had a job a few years ago as a systems and server administrator, where my main job was to develop solutions and projects for assorted stuff. I was good at that, but i sucked at human interaction, so me doing techsupport never really worked out :p and i never managed to get to work on time, even with flex time :p I showed up around lunch, and left late at night, it worked out good, i had the graveyard shift, and no one else wanted it.. the projects and work the others in the department did not have time for or could not be bothered with, was dumped on me, and i could get lost in my work, we were all happy.

On top of me showing up for work around lunch, i also usually showed up stoned, not sure if they just did not care, or did not mind, or was not aware. In any case no one said anything about it. Who knows. Then again, i was the one that was striking out and did not hold his tounge, even to his boss. Perhaps they just did not care enough to face confronation?

I guess in the autism sense of things this may be different, i have a freak inabillity to cope with structure and routine. It just does not work with me, i can cope with strucutre for a short period of time, even months at a time, but i kills me inside, and i end up striking out in freak ways--especially when i can smoke pot, then i can deal and suppress longer, but it always catches up with me, wether i like it or not. And my job and structured life ended up with me running away to the other side of the planet, i needed change, and to destroy my routine and structure. It has never worked for me to push these things down, it always catches up with me.

My life has always been a search, one of the reasons i am such a deep fan and follower of Hunter S. Thompson, my mantra and way of life can only be described as Gonzo. it works for me.

I have always been different, thats no news, its just me repeating myself. I have always been kind of a strange form of "teachers pet", i was the guy that never did his homework, spent his time smoking, partying as often as possible, and doing drugs; but still was playing and fighting (and usually winning) the grade game with the A students. It was fun, it was a challenge, but i did not really give two s**ts about the grades. II barely showed up for class, and, did lots of bad stuff with my friends, and was generally a rouge a**hole.

(me and friends was standing on top of the school at the last day with three garbage bags of water waiting for the bell to ring..., i brought softguns to school, and we even managed to make the fire dept come to school one time by shooting off fireworks in the hallways. just to name a few :p) I was fighting the A students in class, and hanging out with the 'cool kids' after.

But i was never caught, i was always the 'good kid', either they did not mind, did not care, or i was really good at falling under the radar. Who knows, i never really questioned it, i had fun, and i got away with stuff, thats what mattered to me. Its like the formula of my life.

Now i am at university, finished my bachelors degree, they were pushing me into doing an Honours, but i wanted a Masters, even thought my GPA was way under what is required.. I guess i got in under the "special circumstances" or something, who knows.. now i do wonder, and do care, but is no closer to an answer.

I never hand my assigments in on time, if i do them at all, i am a nightmare to work with, my professors call me an anarchist. I spend all my time doing different things, and barely anything on my assignments, i fail atleast an unit per semester-- and still i have ended up being a tutor for one of my proffessors--in compter forensics, i am greading assignments for students that far surpass me in most any ways, i am suppsed to hold workshops next semester, and they are paying me thousands of dollars now to develop a scenario for a computer forensics unit. And i dont understand why.

I dont even hand in my own assignments on time, and the ones i do hand in they usually say they like a lot, but still fail me, because its not "a proper academically written essay". I dont follow the guidelines of the assignments, usually hand in something random, because i am unable to repeat my work, or do something i have done before. I am a failure in every way.

Yet i still somehow manages to get away with it, i would hate to jinx it because i dont know how to live any other way, its Gonzo i suppose, its the only way i can explain it.

When it comes to my personal life i am a paraniod maniac, that does far too much drugs, and have eaten far too much LSD these last few years.. it has made me a better person, i now see things i never have seen before, my mind has been opened. Yet even that, i notice these drugs do affect me in a completley different way than other people.

None the less, i am a cyber forensics expert, its my education and my work, i do computer security, my life evolves around it--if it werent my life and work, i would have been locked up as a paranoid schizophrenic long time ago. But its my WORK and EDUCATION so its all right, and no one really things twice about it. I am far more paranoid than most of my paranoid friends, some of them are so paranoid that they have undergone treatment, i have been left alone--because its my work and life. A paranoid security expert? is there any other kind? its natural. I tend to get away with stuff. No one really likes to challenge me, especially not in my own ball park.. If they tell me that im paranoid, i have ten million peer reviewed reasons why they are not paranoid enough. And i am the guy they call when they need computer/electronic assistance in the first place, its a mystery. Its the story of my life.

For some reason i still have friends, new really good friends as well as old ones from my childhood. And still i suck at interacting with people, but somehow my friends have gotten beyond that. its what Hunter says; act mad at first, because you can always appear normal later--its the other way that causes problems. And that is really true.


For most of my life i have thought autism was the people drooling or sucking at everything but math, the classic stereotype. I have always known im different, it has always haunted me. I started looking at psychology, i had a rough teenage years, doing stupid stuff like cutting and other self destructive stuff, my parents left me alone--its the story of my life--and i am really grateful. My search brought me to the Meyer Briggs test some 10 years ago, i was a borderline INTJ/INTP, it made perfect sense. I ended up doing a MENSA test, passing it to realize i dont fit in with those people either--always looking for my shelf. And now to Austism.

I never really cared, i was and is always able to survive. It was my thing. Then my brother got a daughter with LFA (she is very young so that might soon change), he is a doctor of psychology, doing his thesis on Autism due to her, and i started doing some research for myself. And i realized to my great surpirse how well it described my whole life, and my turmoils, then again, its not the first time something like that has happened to me, and my old years has made me cynical, and highly critical.

People i talk with, and have shared it with dont really think i am austistic, yet for me it makes perfect sense, it would explain a whole lot. Then again i might be a different kind of freak, and i have always "worked" better than most of my friends and foes, so why should i have a disease? From their perspective im just the guy that can write C code in his head and is good with electronics.. Then again, i am an expert in hiding my true self, its not without a reason i am a fsck.ing security expert, and a good one at that.

And they dont see my turmoils, they dont see the guy that acts so natural has to think and plan his every action, they just see the action. They dont see that i am so stressed and tense i have stretch marks, and that my toes are always clamped, and i always fiddle with something, or bite my tounge 24/7, sometimes to the level its making it hard to speak, or that i am unable to look anyone straight in the eyes. Im just a little eccentric in their eyes.

I have played normal my whole life (and im good at it, people just think im weird, and a little ackward, a perfect "balance"), i have hidden "this part" of me, but no matter where, or how far i run to hide, or how good i am at hiding, it always seems to catch up with me, whatever it is.

Welcome to WP, FearAndLoathing.

Thank you, i am shocked someone could actually be bothered to read all of that!

Thank you.