I cannot begin to express the relief and joy I feel from just discovering this website.
I am so glad I can finally share my story with others who will understand. Please let me tell you my story.
I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, ADHD, or social anxiety disorder despite how sure I am of having them.
When I was young teachers always told my mother I had ADHD. My mother told me she never took me to a doctor because she thought medicine would have negative side-effects. I was very energetic and eccentric as a child. I knew then and know now that I'm very different than most people.
From time to time my mother would tell me she thought I had a sort of mild autism. She talked to the school special education teachers often enough,(I was never in special education however.) Whenever she told me this I would be in hot denial as I saw people with mental disorders as unordinary, failures, and just bad. When I became a teenager I started to accept my unusual behavior and even declared myself a better person for having this mind.
So far I have not told you much to suggest I do have Asperger's syndrome, but here are the facts.
- My mother said I would ALWAYS be on a rocking horse when I was a child. The beginning of my obsession with motor repetitiveness.
-I always clapped my hands, hit the ground, and did extremely unusual body gestures often with unusual facial expressions. Even today as a 18 year old man I will find myself jumping around my house making strange mannerisms and gestures with occasional voice tonal change.
-I discovered that swinging from a branch allowed me to channel my creativity and my imagination. I would feel the impulse to swing on the branch multiple times a day, and for up to an hour each time. I would only stop when my energy or my inspiration ran out.
- The most critical time in my life was the, "STICK," fascination. For as long as probably 6 years I would go outside each day to repeatably hit the ground with sticks. I would find a spot far in the back woulds where nobody could see me. (I was aware that it was unusual.) I had always felt that hitting the ground with sticks allowed me to enter a level of creativity that I could normally not from just sitting still. I often narrated lengthy stories in my head invented by me. I would design an entire video game in my head. Violence was a common theme. I often imagined wars in my head or people going through very physical experiences, like trying to survive the sinking titanic. I often felt the need to go outside and do this after I had been inspired by a movie or video game. Sometimes I would become inspired after having a romantic encounter that went well.
- I learned to channel my energy and creativity through rocking extensively in a chair while listening to music. (Around the time I grew out of my stick hitting days.)
^ These are all examples of the more motor related characteristics. These are clearly the most important, however, It may be of use if I tell you of other things in my life.
- I feel very uncomfortable in many social settings, particularly those with large crowds, in parties, or with people of high order or importance. I have trouble sometimes looking at people in the eyes, however, on occasion I force myself to look rite in there eyes at which point I cannot look away.
- Performing in front of a crowd will seem will make me very uncomfortable. I have huge stage fright despite my own realization of how silly it is to be. I shake, sweat, get a dry mouth, and have reduced physical control.
- With people I am more comfortable around I often speak of random or spontaneous topics; mostly to challenge them. I like to sing, rhyme, talk with particular characterization, and approach them with deep sympathy.
- I am always torn. Sometimes I want to show people deep emotion and receive it. Other times I feel no interest in others and down-rite hate everyone.
- I am very interested in Avant-Garde Music.
- I enjoy "art films" and like the works of Bergman, Fellini, and Tarkovsky.
- I appreciate Abstract-Expressionism.
- I am considering a career path into philosophy.
19 Dec 2009, 9:40 pm
