Maybe this will silence "him"

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and by him I mean the incessant rantings of my narrator/internal dialog/brain as I lay in bed tired but with no hope of sleep soon (yay make work that much more fun, but at least I am off on Friday, but I am not exactly looking forward to family Christmas get together at my aunt's) . I am not sure where this is going to go as I am physically shaking sitting here writing this. But I digress (oh BTW I am aware my grammar leaves something to be desired but c'est la vie). I actually now that I have taken the effort to get up have nothing to say as putting in words what I am feeling is near impossible. Despair, hatred for my job, severe dissatisfaction with my life, constant need for something new as I am bored of this now. I am in utter despair about my job. I am a prior authorizations technician (glorified data entry monkey) at the number 4 pharmacy benefit manager in the country. Distilled I talk on the phone with doctors offices doing health insurance prior authorizations for injectable medications. I make good money (for me it is $13.25 an hour (but I should make $16 I was blatantly lied to when I came to this department from what I did before (which was a patient care coordinator in our specialty pharmacy which I hated more then life itself because it consisted of talking to patients all day and having to listen to their problems and then try and make it my problem which is a bit hard when I can't even solve my own problems)), have good health benefits (my health insurance is like $7 a check and it is really good insurance (helps to work at a company owned by a company that also happens to own the insurance company)), and erm... I am sure there are other things good there, but I am miserable. It seams any job I have I get really excited and obsessive about, like it is the only thing on my mind from when I wake up to when I go to sleep and a few months latter the haze of the new wares off and I realize I am completely and utterly miserable because I am bored our of my f'ing skull. I am actually really good at my job (well the computer software and researching complex medical conditions) except I have to interface with humans both in the workplace (most of them are not a fan of James (I am James BTW... Hi anyone sorry enough to read my ramblings)) and on the phone all day and it makes for some weird and awkward moments (like when I was recommending ways of how the person next to me could dispose of and then roast her step-son (which she is not a fan of (the step-son not the roasting part) as he bugs the crap out of her by yapping incessantly) like a pig buried with hot rocks. Not because I am some crazy cannibal I just didn't think it was a weird and taboo subject at the time and it was kinda a continuation of something I was going on about the night before (in retrospect I can see how that might make some people uncomfortable). Well I am spent. I have no idea how I got to cannibalism but I hope you enjoyed the ride here as much as I did. Maybe now I can get some sleep.

Hello James, welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WP!

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thank you all for your welcoming words. Now rereading this with the light of a new day I can see i was in quite a weird place last night. That is the real me, and i am a bit disturbed with that while also being fine with it if that makes any sense.

Hi James

Is it time for a career change perhaps? Or a new chalange? I am like that too. I need a chalange and when I get used to a situation (which might take quite some time), I need a new one. I don't know why I make it myself so difficult. However I have calmed down somewhat. But I am itchy to do other things in an unknown destination.

Maybe a career change is in order, but i tend to be self defeating as in I obsess about something to the extreme out of nowhere and imagine myself doing whatever that thing is then almost as quickly as it comes on I go from happy and in love with whatever to "freaking out" which brings on dispair and telling myself that i will never acheive the thing of my desires. That is kinda the state I am in now... or was when I wrote that last night. today i am ambivilent as I found this forum and now i obsessing over it. (not writing on it but just reading and lurking) The cycle continues.

Argh!! ! Triple post

Last edited by smokiethebear912 on 24 Dec 2009, 6:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I recomend learning meditation to help relax that chattering mind.

Argh!! ! Triple post

Meditation is impossible when "he" won't shut the F-up. The only time he is quiet is when I lose the will to do anything and i veg out watching tv.

He doesn't have to shut up, just sit and listen to what he says without letting yourself get emotionally involved with it, talking back or adding to it. It difficult and you wont succeed at first, but dont beat yourself up over it, thats the important thing. if you get sucked into those obssesive thoughts, just shrug it off and start "listening without judging" again.

Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick... your original post here reads like so many things I have typed when I cannot sleep. I get that. I find myself there often enough. It is not so much fun. People tell me to meditate as well. I just end up not sleeping for two days while allowing myself to roll with all that tears through the back and front of my head... still I try for those two days each time I get like that. Perhaps one of these times it will work. In the meantime, I take a morbid comfort in knowing that like most things else, that too will just pass away if I wait. I digress...

Welcome to you.

I know that feeling you describe in your introduction, and I myself is also learning to listen to "it" instead of involiving my emotions in it. I too hate loosing the arguments with "it", but training will make "it" more helpfull rather than harmfull

Just be yourself in WP. Just post new threads, we'll help.