WOAH THERES ALOT TO READ! I feel like I vented instead of asking real questions. but.. If anyone even wants to reply.. I'd like some input on what i'm getting so worked up about. My mind feels jumbled and maybe someone can explain some of the things I'm asking/confused about..
hello. i'm a 17 year old male and I just joined. I've lurked the depths of the forums and I know you well. I joined because I wanted to say a few things and ask some questions. I've noticed a pattern of new members hollering about their suspected ASD conditions and symptoms...I assume that they were all told that it is a possibility and to get a real professional diagnosis. I know the same would happen in my case, but being human I need to put my scenario on the table and i think regardless of my expected answer, posting this will help. This is gonna be really long. I'm very sorry but hey some of you guys like reading stuff like this. I know I do. (I just havent been able to reply!) And please forgive my rambling.. It's something that I've definetly gotten s**t about, especially in a school/essay setting.
you may or may not have guessed that I suspect I have an ASD condition... no doubt that alot of people asking for input from people with aspergers would suspect themselves.. I've always felt like I'm trapped in my mind and always thinking, observing the world around me. I have no active desire to play a part in the grand show that is life and I prefer to stay in the audience. (As far back as the seating can allow!) That is not to say that I always keep to myself..
Let me give you a (perhaps hypothetical) example of one of my "problems". A peer of mine asks out loud the answer to a (relatively easy) question that we already covered in class. The voice in my head thinks "We went over this. Why dont you know? You should know; I bet you do know. You just want to be heard and you just want attention, you piece of..." This continues on in my head and I snowball into anger. My (ASSUMPTION!!) that this person simply wanted attention is enough to make my blood boil. I don't know why this happens.. I get so angry for no real reason... What if they really weren't paying attention? (My mind wanders again into anger.. "Why weren't they paying attention? What were they doing wrong? " etc) Why can't I simply accept the fact that maybe he/she forgot or didnt hear the answer? I assume that they seek attention and interaction with their friends for no real reason and I get angry. Why...?
I can't make conversation. My own mother hates this about me. She's raised her voice with me before for not wanting to be a "part of the family" (She's divorced and remarried). I can't help it. I retreat to my fortress of solitude after school or work or an outing with my girlfriend and remain there for the night, only coming out for food and an occasional leg-stretcher or bathroom break.
I just dont understand what she wants from me. What does she mean "part of the family"? She's said before that she wants me to ask how she is and tell me what's going on in my world... I have no interest in this! What good, logically and practically, does it do to know my mother's mental and emotional status? "Oh, you're doing good... Now what's that mean for me?" I don't want to share my thoughts and burdens with her or anyone else near me because I feel like it would only make their day less productive. So why bother? I just DONT UNDERSTAND! Why does she want me to do this? It's not that I dont care how anyone is doing.. I just dont see the point in asking. What logical sense does it make? It seems so arbitrary and confusing. I just can't understand it. I'm terrible at funerals and I've gotten in heavy s**t for being defiant and questioning. ("I didnt even know her that well" ... "I dont feel sad and everyone else does") these questions are often met with things like "You're here for the family" or "You'll understand one day" and followed with a sigh of disappointment.
It's near torture even showing my emotions to my mother (or any family members, or even friends) because I don't know what I'm feeling. She had heart surgery recently and she was baffled at my lack of reaction to the possibility of her heart not restarting (She made it). I knew she wouldn't die... Our hospital is high-tech and the death rate of patients is always falling. Possibility of complication would HAVE to come from a freak accident. That is my logic. That is why I did not cry or hold her and feel scared for her. I knew she would, statistically, be fine. So why get upset over what is probably going to be nothing?
I speak in monotone, and show little to no emotion. The only time I cry and (attempt) to tell her what I'm feeling is when I'm "freaking out" (I don't throw tantrums, because adults don't throw tantrums. I've learned to take control of myself even when I know I dont have mental control. It's pure willpower and I'm extremely proud of myself for this.) However, I'm pulling at my hair and gritting my teeth and saying things I know I don't mean, but I'm staying in control of my outward movements and I don't want to hit anything or throw myself on the floor. I try my hardest to keep it to myself. The last few times I've gotten to this point of anger and frustration was when I talked to her about her leaving my father. I don't understand it at all. Why did she marry him in the first place? Why do I need to go between two houses? Why am i being treated like chattel? I'm a human being, not a possession that is to be swapped weekly. These questions and subsequent emotions boil and mix and put me in this "tantrum state". it doesnt help that she gets angry with me after I spend 20 minutes of her time trying to explain the thing I've been feeling for hours, or days, or weeks...
"I dont know" and "oh" are my trademark phrases. I've honest to god spoken these phrases more than I've spoken full sentences. I say "oh" when my mom or her husband tell me something. "We're doing _______ on sunday", "You wouldnt believe this guy at work today. blablablabla..." etc.
"oh" i reply. Acknowledgment and polite, I think. At least i'm not ignoring them. They're alrigth with that, right?
wrong.
CHRISTMAS EVE, On CHRISTMAS EVE, i got chewed out for not wanting to take part in the nightly tv-viewing the rest of my "family" takes part in. Glenn beck, dancing with the stars, and animal hospital shows? No thanks. I prefer to stay with television that actually interests me. I like shows like "House MD" or cartoons. None of the ill-informed talk or the reality BS or show hosts or corporate schemes using empathy and cute puppies to get viewers. I dont understand their fascination with American idol or supernannies. Maybe that's just them.. They could just be boring TV viewers.
Anyways... My main point is that I dont WANT to go in the living room and be exposed and possibly be asked questions. I dont want to answer them and I dont want to talk... Why do they try? Leave me alone... please. Its hard enough trying to figure you out when you speak in code. I don't want you to dance around a request.. TELL ME! I DONT UNDERSTAND! (that seems to be a recurring exclamation)
I still have more to say... i think i'm done.. for now.
01 Jan 2010, 10:44 am
that was great!
