Newbie trying to learn:)

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Hello!

I.. am still uncertain of the shorthands used on this forum, but after what I can understand, I guess Im an NT (I think, if I read things correct). I'm 25 and a Norwegian girlthing. I'm friends with two guys who are diagnosed with AS. I have earlier only read on fact pages about AS to try to learn a bit better and be able to understand my friends a bit better, but finding this forum (I have lurked here a short while) was a bit more fascinating that only science and facts. Actually reading how people with AS feel and think, what can be frustrating and so on seems alot more handy for me that a list of possible traits.

I never saw my friends as ill in any way, truth to be told in the start I never even knew anything was off at all, expect I did notice they were a bit corky at times (not meant in a bad way.). Its both online friendships, one of which is getting stronger in the reals, and we keep meeting up. My husband is also a friend of these two guys along with another bunch and having meetups is great fun. One of my AS friends has tied himself expecially towards me and has spent alot of time at our place outside of any "big" meetups too.

So Im lurking here to learn more. Not just learn WHY they react/respond as they do, but learn HOW I can help, make it easier, better, safer, saner for them.

So, if you have a major "pet peeve" of what people do/say to you or expect you to do/say (speaking of friends here) then let me know it. Its what Im here to find out. I suppose I have an easier way of adapting than they do, and I do enjoy trying to make people feel good and comfortable. Only with these two lads, Im often finding myself at a loss to what to do or say.

So. I'll stop bantering and just end it at that and keep lurking:)

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

One of the things that would give me pause is the degree to which my expression on WP is more effective and articulate than in real life.

Developing a friendship online is significantly easier for me than interacting with a person in real life. I am always concerned that people who know me online (other than Aspies, of course! ) will get a very different impression of me in a real life setting.

My friends are well aware of my limitations, and the most important thing that they give me is space when I ask for it. If I need to go to another room and get away for a little while, they accommodate that need. Sometimes things that are seemingly trivial, such as where we sit, or who is going to telephone and make the order for pizza can present immovable obstacles for me.

Most importantly, my friends realize that my AS doesn't represent a static state. Today I might have real difficulty controlling my participation in a conversation (and they respectfully point out when I am interrupting to often or belabouring a subject); tomorrow I might be withdrawn (and they respectfully allow me to be so, without trying to artificially draw me into events).

When I express my needs, my friends take it at face value. In turn, I don't ask my friends for things that would merely be convenient, but only for those things that I truly need.

Hello Thellie, welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome to WrongPlanet!

Welcome!

Hello Thellie and welcome!
Your not here just to be welcomed your here for help. I dont know if what i can say may help at all. But who knows it may give you some insight.
I'm glad you never saw your friends as ill in any way. Most people wont think when they meet us that we are mentally disabled (An ugly term! Sorry!) They will think we are just being difficult or a jerk. Even when they know about our condition they dismiss it and still think: Jerk!
Your already on a positive good step with your friends. Your showing understandment. As long as we are not judged for our oddities we can feel safe in the company of others. If they start to rant or interupt in the mid of someone's conversation. Try to show them without it being too obvious when they are doing this. If they feel comfortable about being touched maybe give them a sligh squeeze or nude and a quiet word or two. Maybe tell them/ask them if they would like you to let them know when they are doing these things beforehand. Teach them your cue for this like the squeeze or nudge!
Taking them anywhere that they are not already prepared for can cause quite a lot of stress. Aspies tend to go on routine. Break that routine and it can cause anxiety. Letting them no quite a bit in advance that you want to do something and setting a pretty exact time will help them feel more calm.
I'm saying this all in 3rd person but i know for me all this would greatly help.

Visagrunt:
I'm glad you have fiends Visagrunt who are willing to understand you in such a way. It makes me jealous in some way because i do not have that.
I recently did the biggest thing of my life. I met some really good friends of mine from online. I took a trip all the way from Australia to England. Never been out of the country before. I was to stay with them for 3months (which i did) the first month was fine but then became a nightmare. Even though i told All of them all about AS they were unwilling to understand. That last month was done hidden in my room. All those friends are gone now! Still even though it was a disaster i'm proud of myself. I did one of the hardest things i've ever done. Left my comfort zone and saw another country!

....I went a bit off topic there. sorry about that. I hope this gave some small insight!

To WrongPlanet! !!

Hi and thanks!

I didnt know that much about AS before after my friends first visit (which lasted little over a month). Im not a overly active person, bu if we go away somewhere, Im used to the days containing something. For instance, a trip to the beach and the going out to a resturant in the evening, maybe stop for ice cream going home. We went away for a week when he was here and he was a bit panicy about it, but insisted he'd be fine. After three days of me doing relaxing holiday things, he pulled me aside asking if we could just spent one full day in the cottage we had rented, without leaving it at all. He was exhausted. Thats when I really started to feel bad and we had some proper conversations about how he felt.

I mean.. I didnt enjoy being the cause of his stress, I was just doing what I'd consider fun and relaxing. And truth to be told, he did seem a bit distant when driving places, clinged to his portable radio alot.. but usually every time we got somewhere, he seemed to really enjoy it. For instance the beach. He was concerned about the weather, would the water be cold, would there be toilet facilities nearby, are the jelly fish poisonous.. I answered everything, not mocking a thing. He was new in the country and area after all. And said there is no one saying we HAVE to be there for so and so long, if he wants to go back we can.

Ended up having the time of his life and now, 9 months after - he still talks about that full day on the beach. So this has also left me a bit puzzled. Should I "push" for breaking his routines even if it seems to fright him slightly (or maybe alot for all I know) when it sometimes has such good outcomes?

Many things to be concerned of.

I dont see him as a jerk either. I know some people do. Some find him too self absorbant to bother spending too much time with him when the novelty of greeting him as a new person wears out, I find him fascinating - in that I cant read him the way I read everyone else. I dont know what he's "up to" half the time and therefore he strikes me as .. cliche to call it a mystery, but interesting. Especially since its a rewarding friendship after all. Crushing hugs from him and the fact he once claimed he never thought he'd feel so comfortable with someone not being his parents - makes it worthwhile emotionally for me aswell.


(Maybe this whole mystery thing is why so many girls often crush on aspie boys?)

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I'm sorry to confuse/puzzle you!
Look, if pushing him seems to work i wouldn't advise you to stop doing it. Yes by doing it we can panic and get in a lot of stress. Just be prepared for him needing some comforting attention to take him away from his worry. Distract him.
The thing is, although i might panic and not want to do things, i too have had only a good time by being forced into them (Not always. Depends on if i'm treated fine when i get there).
My advise is just to plan things well in advance with him on things. Then make sure to keep the plan up to date with him. Push it if you think it will be good for him. Trust in yourself!
I understand your friend that day wanting to hole up and rest in that cottage. The stress/Anxiety really wears one out. But after that rest he enjoyed the rest of the holiday.
You sound like you have a really good friendship with him? I'm glad! I'm sure what your doing already for him in your friendship is enough to make him feel happy/safe/sane.
So many girls having crushes on Aspie boy's? Damn i need to go where you live! lol.
I wish girls would be more forward than expecting the guy to take the lead. I never know when a girl is interested. Cant read the signs you see. Cant read body language! Oh i love to flirt, i'm good at it! Just don't know weather or not the next step is welcome.