Hello,
I posted this in the test result thread, thought it might be more appropriate here:
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I just found out about Asperger's recently from a couple of medical drams, and I honestly thought it was a joke, and joked with my wife that I am exactly like that! I had never heard the term before, and then I asked my wife if it is a real thing (she is a nurse), and when she told me it was, then I started thinking (obsessing I guess would be the more appropriate thing).
I took several of these self-diagnosis tests, and have scored in the extreme range on every one so far, got 183 aspie/ 32 neurotypical on the one from this site. I am pretty sure the aspie score would have been even a little higher if I had understood all the questions (some of them I didn't answer).
Anyway, I am really in a state of shock right now. All of my life I always felt I was the normal one. I expected that everyone have or should have the same level of intelligence and sensitivity to things, and that they were the defects since they were/are so crude in their awareness and sensitivity. Now, suddenly I feel like the defect. And, I am not sure what to do, how to handle this now. I can instantly see now why I have had so many problems with relationships, and how I have ruined countless opportunities in my career. At the least, I would like to stop ruining my career development and be able to go to the food court area where I work and not feel like I am in a war zone.
I want to get a proper diagnosis and seek coaching or whatever it may be called. I am in Japan though, and this country tends to be several decades behind the rest of the world when it comes to these kind of things.
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Still trying to find out how to get diagnosed where I live. Definitely want to get the diagnosis over with as soon as possible so I can then learn exactly what my condition is and start training or coaching. I have just been thinking over the last few days, and this discovery explains practically everything I have ever done, both things I regretted and was proud about. However, now I don't feel regret for these things, nor do I really feel proud about the other things either, as I now understand that all of this is just me being naturally me. I suddenly no longer feel the need to go out of my way to appear 100% normal, I also don't feel the need to be an a**hole to keep people from being an a**hole to me. I also feel like I found the source of my constant frustration all the time, and suddenly feel so much more relaxed. Started remembering things about myself that I consciously made a decision to just shut down or off as a young child to 'survive' in 'their' world amongst 'them'. I think I don't care anymore, and am going to start letting myself be me more, even if it freaks people out a bit. At the same time, I feel a huge responsibility to contact practically everyone I have ever had contact with and apologize to them for the grief I caused them, particularly my family. At the same time, I am not going to let this be an excuse to be an a**hole, which I probably would have done had I discovered this 10 years ago.
Anyway, if anyone can give me any good information about the situation here in Japan, that would be absolutely great. Also, I have a feeling I will have to move back to the US if I really want to get professional assistance, but would like some opinions on that. I have been in Japan for 9 years now, which equates to the vast majority of my adult life, which means I don't really consider myself an American anymore (not that I consider myself Japanese either), so every time I think about maybe going back, I really stress out if I can go back to that culture as I could barely handle before I even knew anything different. However, this obviously changes everything, at the most core level.
Crap, sorry to keep going like that. I am still really hesitant to believe that there are really other people exactly like me, so for me, I am taking quite a risk trying to get involved here, so be nice! But it would sure be nice to really know that there are people like me.
Thanks,
Tenisubaka
13 Feb 2010, 2:02 am
