Painting a picture of myself I've never seen before

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I read an article the other day linked by RadioLab host Jad Abumrad. About someone with asperger's who was providing insight about their difficulty with the phrase: "excuse me" in the grocery store.

All of a sudden I became very fascinated by the topic. I've been researching for the past week. I feel like AS could be what I have, though misdiagnosed throughout childhood as ADHD, attachment disorder, or bipolar.

I took the AQ quiz, and scored a 37. The quiz said that 32 or higher was a result for 80% of AS diagnosed in the study it was used in.
I am 25 years old. I have what most would consider a normal life but am often quite frustrated with being misunderstood or not knowing how to communicate properly, especially professionally.

I'd like to paint the picture of me that I truly haven't seen before. Often as selves we fail to examine the self objectively. I've been observing myself with particular precision and here is what I've found.

In personal life, I am often called passive aggressive or withdrawn. What I really feel is just an extreme passivity in socially complex situations such as public places or in my workplace. I don't feel anxiety, most times, but more just a total loss of knowing what to do. I never feel that eye contact occurs naturally. I don't know where to look or how to physically behave when I interact with others. I feel very bad at chit chat.

When I drive, I adhere to an extremely focused precision of consistent speed and pathing. People call this odd and unusual. I don't feel it is an obsessive behavior, but simply a dedication to being careful.

I am capable of extreme focus on analytical tasks, to the exclusion of everything and anything at times. This could include writing (written communication), computer programming, complex computer games. Even working on musical composition.

I find myself constantly immersed in sensory memory or stimuli. I experience constant recall of audio memory. It can be song fragments, speech, or any audio, really. Sometimes welcome, other times very irritating. Audio can surface to mind from years long gone. I use this at times to enhance my memory, as I also use "re-playing" something I've recently heard on repeat to keep the information in my mind, such as series of digits.

I am told when I speak often I'll re-vocalize some of the words at the end as a small whisper. I've never ever been aware of doing this but both my brother and spouse claim I do it.
People have problems understanding me very often. I feel constantly frustrated by confused looks and "What?"s or being asked to stop mumbling.

I use complex verbosity very often in speech and written communication. I have to concentrate very hard to hold conversations while breaking down my thoughts into simpler speech that is paced and allows the other party to feedback. Constructing what I want to communicate is the principle labor. I find this a very conscious task that causes me to appear slow or clumsy at times to new acquaintances.

With written communication this often causes me to repeatedly re-read and "audition" what has been written very many times, and quite often I will end up rejecting and erasing it instead of sending.

At work, I am on phone calls often. While communicating on the phone I find myself doing hand gestures that can suddenly disrupt my speech, distracting me from completing what I am saying.

Perhaps most confusing to me has been a tendency to experience incorrect emotional responses. An unsuppressable smile when I might be expected to be showing empathetic sorrow. My own physical pains almost always invoke a laughter response. Though sound, in other words music, evokes very strong emotion for me in what seems to be a correct way. I have a strong hobby of watching film for this reason, as it makes me feel so incredibly normal.

It seems that it could be AS. I don't know. I thought a great first step would be to seek community as I'm researching and looking for someplace to have a professional evaluation...

With this I've now read, re-read, etc. and I can only imagine how monumental what I've written could seem to any of you attempting to acknowledge me for joining the community.

If anyone is able to get through the large amount of details and feedback to me, I really appreciate you.


-eon

Welcome to WrongPlanet, and welcome to my time warp.

Hello eon, welcome, enjoy your stay on the Wrong Planet!

Nice to meet you, eon, and welcome aboard the Wrong Planet.

Welcome to WrongPlanet, Eon.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I do something like that too--it's like when I'm thinking something I'll vocalize it in the back of my throat. This also comes out as a "mumble." Thankfully, only a few people notice this.

I took the same AQ test and scored close to 40 also. I'd say we both found the right place to be.

You mentioned musical composition--what instrument? My boyfriend plays the guitar and keyboard. He also fixes computers.

You welcomed me first, so I'll say it back: Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I do something like that too--it's like when I'm thinking something I'll vocalize it in the back of my throat. This also comes out as a "mumble." Thankfully, only a few people notice this.

I took the same AQ test and scored close to 40 also. I'd say we both found the right place to be.

The "audio fragments" experience is also very familiar. Bits of music and dialogue, with intonations preserved, from old TV shows and movies I haven't seen in years pop into my head on a regular basis.

You mentioned musical composition--what instrument? My boyfriend plays the guitar and keyboard. (He also fixes computers.)

You welcomed me first, so I'll say it back: Welcome to WrongPlanet.

I played the trombone and also participated in vocal groups. I was in essentially every single musical organization that existed in my schools.

But, I have only composed using software based instruments. doing sequencing, and also programming various touch input style soft-instruments and recording from performance on them.

To WrongPlanet!! !