Hi, I discovered the NT/AS open forum and in signing up got lost. Maybe this is where I should be anyway. If anyone can advise on my situation, please do!
I consider myself an NT wife, although I do take anti-depressants, of an AS. Trying to get a handle on how to communicate well with my husband...undiagnosed AS. Our marriage of 10 years is going downhill and I need help understanding what is happening. DH was married for 29 years with two now grown daughters. His wife died of cancer, and had always had problems with fibromyalgia, and asthma. It is my 3rd marriage, and at age 61 now, had always thought it would be my last, in that I had/have committed myself to make it work. I have 3 grown children, 2 daughters, 1 son. Between us we have 5 grandchildren.
The reason I think my DH has AS is based on several observations/thoughts:
1) His nephew has it...whether diagnosed or not I do not know as my DH's family is very non-communicative. Reluctance to make eye contact, very self oriented, very intelligent, 35+ years old now and still lives at home with his single mother and can't seem to find work. He is really into weird things and per my kids he has numerous fake id's on Facebook with really crazy names...like some thing out of a sci-fi comic book or movie. I could go on and on about him but he is not the reason I'm here.
2) My DH is extremely intelligent, graduate degrees, and even an 'almost' PHD in aeronautical engineering from Auburn University. Per his story the professor in charge of it way back then didn't want him to quit some experiments they were in the process of doing, and wouldn't sign off on his PHD degree. He had been there longer than usual because of this, had gotten married, and wanted to start a family so needed to move on with life. That of course wouldn't make him an AS, just wanted to establish that he is high level functioning.
He never worked in his chosen fields of Physics are AE, as he went to work for his dad as a mechanical engineer, even taught ME at college level part-time.
3) He admits to being awkward in social settings. I think one reason he married me was because I have/had a lot of friends and an active social life--he has confirmed that,.
4) He has become obsessed with nudity--as in he goes naked around the house immediately upon entrance, and just has to go to a nudist resort 1-1/2 hr from our home every weekend weather permitting. He wasn't obsessed with this during his 1st marriage, he discovered nude resorts after his wife died. The people he met were so friendly and seemingly caring that it made a very deep impression on him. He did NOT inform me of this need prior to our marriage.
5) When I try to just talk to him about anything that he doesn't agree with he gets upset, clams up, and leaves the room. If I am successful in keeping him in the room it is like talking to a brick wall. He is not capable of comprehending how I feel, or anyone else. And he doesn't really care what other people think of him. BTW he is 300+ lbs., mostly in belly, diabetic type 2, high bp, uses sleep apnea machine at my insistence, now showing symptoms of asthma, impotent.
6) It seems like everything I have read online about Asperger's Syndrome applies to him.
DH's dad had started a company a long time ago with a partner, and eventually my DH and the other partners son inherited it when their fathers retired. There were serious disagreements between my DH and the other partner. They finally sold the company and both still worked there (mechanical engineering). Shortly the other partner quit, and DH stayed and is still there. He is 64 going on 65 soon, but hopes to be kept on to work. I say all this to show that he has learned how to be sociable in a work place. Even in sales.
When I confided all this, and my confusion and being upset, to my sister she says she thinks he's "just being a man". Could it be that and not Asperger's? She knows nothing of AS, and of course 'm no expert either.
There are many other things I could go into, but won't right now.
Can anyone help me to know if I am on the right track or not? And how to deal with it? There are soooo many posts I don't know where to start. I feel that my most immediate need is to know how to communicate with him in a way to which he will respond.
Thanks for letting me vent. Any advice is welcomed!!
14 Jun 2010, 3:02 pm
