Hi, I'm Squid. I'm a puzzle.
04 Jul 2010, 11:00 pm
So, this is me. So far three harvard PHds have come up with "fast cycling Bipolar, and gifted", but that doesn't explain everything. And their treatments haven't helped (they've hurt) after five years. Been out of work and school, and only started getting better recently after I stopped treatment (the medication has always made me more moody and irritable, not to mention stupid.)
Sorry for the lengthy type. I've been trying to figure this out for five years, now.
Dyslexia, ocd, and moody. HSP - sensory issues. I can get high off radio static. Seasonal affective disorder. Attention problems. Depression. Hypomania, or something like it. Easily frustrated and overwhelmed. Broad thinker, yet painful awareness of detail. I see shapes, feel intense sensations, and get rapid flashbacks when tasked with creative problem solving, or any sort of left brained concepts especially math and physics (usually only when things are very "fuzzy", which gets me excited). I remember most things in school, cant study or take notes, and test very very well despite my problems.
Same happens with board games. Game night consists of 5-8 really smart authors/game designers/brains, yet I win 50-70% on instinct. Despite having trouble paying attention.
I get zen auras of "infinite clarity" and increased energy around these times.
My humor makes no sense. I don't understand jokes. I've learned to time with the correct tone and can make most nonsense funny. Most people know me by my humor, unless they've taken a class with me, in which case I've enlightened them with crazy connections or they've realized I am raving mad. Or both. I've learned my way around some social problems, learned to be happy smiley and friendly, but I'd rather sit in my quiet apartment with ear plugs on than even go to the library. I can complete most peoples sentences after knowing them for 30 minutes, give good advice, and can tell them what they are thinking, yet I feel emotionally connected with no one. I hear "talking to you is so calming", and, "I feel like I've known you forever" - You give really good advice - Yet , once more, I feel connected to no one.
I'm eccentric and odd. Good looking. Likable - I try really hard - I censor most of what comes to mind. Never really dated. Everyone always thought I was gay. I dated 4 years ago, at 21. Liked the girl. Made her a beautiful, better than bakery style cake. Made her chocolates a few times. I don't flirt though and I "seemed distant" she was really into me but got really insecure. The sex was "good", but the uncomfort factor of just being so personal with someone really ruined me. I hated it. It was good but I hated it at the same time. Worst feeling in the world. Same thing happened with a few other girls.
I was asking probing questions about things like how my mom's windshield wipers worked, at 5 months, including follow-up questions. I have preverbal memories, too, and have recalled them for solving fluid dynamics questions (I was obsessed with water, and just generally how nature worked when I was young - I remember imagining how particles would flow)
On imagination - I have a great practical imagination. People pay me to help them brainstorm for corp marketing and such. I'm very creative. I can't "pretend" to be someone. I can however manipulate people to a high degree in the rare cases where it is necessary (once every 3-4 years, say). Most of the time I am either very honest or keep my mouth completely shut. I find that it is near impossible to keep lies hidden, but I have an okay poker face (really, it's all I had until about 5 or 6 years ago)
I have trouble focusing nowadays, but I can sit down and do something for 30+ hours if I want. Eating is unimportant! In pre-k I could focus for 12+ hours easy. Of course, "A+, doesnt pay attention in class" was on all my elementary school report cards.
From kindergarten on one of my several obsessions was architecture, and space. I could draw in accurate perspective in kindergarten, and had a LOT of origami models memorized. I would make imaginary model houses, draft, and solve practical design problems for my very disorganized dad. (He likes to do elaborated interior/exterior architectural stuff and make furniture). Course by the 5th grade I was so depressed and lonely that I stopped all that.
I am only relaxed at night, outdoors, or, ideally, indoors with my earplugs in, and all the other tenants at work, with no one mowing their lawns or any of that garbage. With the lights dimmed. Or me, sitting in my shower stall with the lights out. Hell.
It's been 2 months and I still havent adjusted to my new job. I can do all the tasks really well but the environment kills me. Office. Ick. Had to take leave for a couple weeks but they are understanding and saving the job because I am a good worker.
I keep my mouth shut usually, but I can go on forever about an interest. I tend to just assume no one cares. Usually they don't. And most people's eyes glaze over when I open my mouth.
and... now my interests are basically back to "creating stuff". Piano, painting, drawing and origami (not as good as when I was younger, I fear), photography, yea, these hobbies were all picked up in the past year... :\
05 Jul 2010, 2:10 pm
I'm new too so possibly have no business doing this but...I have seen peoples eyes glaze over when I opened my mouth too. So I finally gave up on opening my mouth except to issue the plaltitudinous Hey, how ya doin there? I'm fine thanks, see ya later! line. Friendly and patient works well for me, I work in a grocery store, lots of human contact. I find other people way more interesting than I am. And if I had a dollar for every time another person said Gee, I never thought of that before! in relation to a conversation they had with me I'd be rich enough to buy a private island and run Aspie naked all day long. Nice to meet ya, Squiddy! Slogger
