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Hi. I was directed to this forum a few months ago by a friend who has a relative with AS. Reason being that I had just started dating a woman with AS (dx as a teen), and my friend thought this would be helpful. Then, the more my girlfriend came to see me and my family, she says things like "You didn't tell me your father has AS" and if I did or said something, she says, "That is so autistic of you" and "Oh suuuure you don't have AS." Sometimes she'll just stop and look at me after I've said or done something which is familiar to her. Which really set me to thinking about behaviors and past things in my childhood, my father's way of being, etc. When I first heard of AS years ago, I thought, "Wow that sounds like me," but then I dismissed it for the most part over the years. I have written more about these thoughts, but I took them out of this post because the post was too long and I'm not sure that a very long post is appropriate for the first post. I looked around, and this seems the best place to fit the rest in, so I will make it a new post.

Is anyone in a relationship with an AS person and you also have AS or at least not-NT? I was told at some point by someone that we should have counseling because we won't be able to "have a successful relationship" on our own. Sometimes I think I do need some help and she does too, in terms of relating, and sometimes I think "Oh please." Not that we could afford counseling anyway (or if it is even available; she went to the local counseling center and they were most unhelpful and misunderstanding of AS). The books I have seen thus far seem to be geared towards NT women in relationships with AS men, not two not-NT people in a relationship and nothing for gay Aspies at all (whether in a relationship with another AS or a NT or what have you). I am mostly just trying to figure this out, figure how to set the course, what to expect, where we complement each other and where we are both at a loss. To my knowledge, I have always been the not-NT one in past relationships, so this is new for me. She is the first person who (thus far, anyway) hasn't used my "uniqueness" as a means to trample all over me or take advantage of me, and it sure is different.

I have ADHD (inattentive type), but the other stuff, I thought was just being shy, eccentric, frustratingly out of step with other people or even just being a fussy brat (for example the feeling of rough cotton or wool or linen anywhere near my skin, especially my arms, makes me want to vomit). I also figure that ADHD explains some of these things that seem Aspergerish. Now I'm not entirely sure.

I'm not sure what a diagnosis at this age would be worth anyway (mid 30s), even if I could afford one, which I can't. I was raised in a family that puts very little stock in psychiatry and psychology, so they probably wouldn't participate in interviews, and certainly wouldn't take well to any diagnosis (they don't know about the ADHD diagnosis). Very much a stiff upper lip type of background, and there is still that voice with me that says it's all nonsense and one must simply shape up and fly right, don't be a navel gazer, stop going on about yourself, and so on. (the person needing to shape up being me). I don't take any medication for ADHD anymore.

I am wondering if people, or specifically women, with AS (or ADHD, as I think there are are ADHDers here too) learn to overcompensate for some of the social life "deficiencies." Like for example, because I say the wrong things or don't know how to enter a conversation in progress in a social type setting, I instead stay very, very quiet unless I really, really know the people present. So at this age, I'm not really that prone to blurting out non sequiturs or things that I know (or believe) to be rude for most people, since I stay very quiet until I am absolutely sure that I can ask or say something relevent and not offensive. I am surprised when friends tell me that something I have said is bitchy or catty because I don't have that intention when I say that thing, and I think my tone of voice is nice or joking. I have learned how to make small talk and things like that through working. I'm pretty sure that I manage to look and seem interested in what the other person is saying about these small talk things, and the truth is that I want them to feel that I like them and wish the best for them (I can only be bothered to engage in such talk with people I feel positive about). I know that I am overly sensitive or careful about not wanting to hurt other people's feelings, including the gf, and so part of that is that I don't speak up when I've been hurt or something. I have a big interest in making sure I am not in people's way or inconveniencing them, which I understand, in a logical sense, has been detrimental to my own best interests. I hate confrontation. So I end up carrying these things around for ages and ages and rehashing them in my mind.

When I am in public places that are overwhelming, I have learned, since I was a pre-teen, how to keep my anxious responses to the stimulation under control (like gritting teeth, rubbing the skin just under my ears, or pressing my thumbs into my palms - things people won't notice) until such time as I can remove myself from that place. I used to constantly do the sign language alphabet and spell out things people were saying, but my mother didn't like that. I learned to do it with my hands at my sides or under tables, and after I learned to type, I switched to typing out words with my hands at my side or under the table more often, and people don't seem to notice that at all. Unless they do and I am totally clueless. To my eyes, it just looks like I'm slightly fluttering my fingers. I also tap and "drum" a lot and I know that annoys the heck out of people. And I click pens, which I know is terribly irritating, so I avoid pens with clicky tops. I used to do a lot of rocking side to side and back and forth and nodding my head side to side, but I have mostly stopped that, except when I'm talking on the phone (I'm almost always walking around when I'm on the phone). Eye contact is a no go. I only look at my family, girlfriend and a few close friends in the eyes for any length of time longer than a second. My teachers and mom always said this is just me being very shy, modest or aloof.

I know I have a tendency to go on about particular subjects or even talk at people, but I don't mean to. So I've started to just be quiet and say nothing and wait until someone asks about those specific things. Which doesn't happen too often because I have had really boring or arcane interests (for most people). I prefer to communicate via email over phone, but even with the benefit of time and a delete button, I still go on too much and with too much detail and I know I overwhelm people. Conversely, my friends that I've made in recent times and am still getting to know have the impression that I am just a very quiet, private person.

Trying to listen to others, but I often don't know what to say or how to feign interest in what they're speaking about. I have trouble hearing clearly or correctly (when DVDs came out and you could use subtitles, I learned that there were movies where I had totally misunderstood some dialogue for years, and now I always use CC or subtitles), and this probably contributes to me saying things that have nothing to do with the topic at hand. It's embarrassing, so that is another reason to stay quiet -- not sure I heard that right. I was taught to ask "probing and open ended questions about people's interests" by a trainer a few months ago, so we'll see how that goes.

I took the tests that were posted in the thread about the scientific tests (well, the ones I hadn't done already on my own) and my results are below. The point only being to give you an idea of where I'm coming from when I say that I'm a not-NT in a relationship with an AS and wondering if there is anything out there that guides or gives advice or at least people who have been there. Do people like us really need the outside help to be successful? I say no on first instinct, but then I worry that we might become caught up in cycles of our own emotional clumsiness and cluelessness. After all, don't a lot of NT people have counselors at some point...

Thank you for reading and for any helpful input you may have. I have found a lot of very helpful information here over the past few months, and hope to for a time to come.

1. The Broad Autism Phenotype Questionnaire (BAPQ; Hurley et al., 2007).

You scored 94 aloof, 94 rigid and 96 pragmatic
You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.
Your Analysis (Vertical line = Average)
•You scored 94% on aloof, higher than 28% of your peers.
•You scored 94% on rigid, higher than 47% of your peers.
•You scored 96% on pragmatic, higher than 60% of your peers.
•You scored 8% on diagnosis, higher than 83% of your peers.

2. The Autism Spectrum Quotient (AQ) test (Baron-Cohen et al., 2001).
This one I did a while back, and I didn't keep the result page but the score was 31.

3. The Empathizing Quotient and Systemizing Quotient - Revised (EQ SQ-R) tests (Wheelwright et al., 2006).
Average EQ: 15 Average SQ: 80 Brain Type: Extreme Systemizing

4. The EIQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient) Test
Self-report Component
Subscale IQ score = 56
Subscale percentile = 0.21


5. The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) test (Aron, 1996).
22 (If you answered more than fourteen of the questions as true of yourself, you are probably highly sensitive.)

6. Understanding facial expression test: The 'Reading the mind in the eyes' test (Baron-Cohen et al.).
Score was 27. I didn't like this one. The choices for some of them didn't match what I thought the eyes were "saying," so I chose some according to whim.

7. Face blindness / Prosopagnosia test: The Cambridge Face Memory test
77%

The Aspie Quiz (Ekblad, rdos)

Your Aspie score: 169 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 57 of 200

Hi supernova, welcome to WP!

You didn't write too much--I've seen longer.

Since you've already taken the online tests, I guess it's up to you to decide how much they mean. From your scores, and the behaviors you've described, I'd say you probably have some form of AS. My score on the Baron-Cohen was 37.

I'm not going to bother with a formal diagnosis. At this point, IMO, the only reasons to get one would be (a) if you needed services/assistance or (b) your own peace of mind.

Regarding you and your gf: any couples can potentially need counseling. It has nothing to do with being AS/NT/whatever.

Unless you guys start having problems, I don't see any reason to worry about that.

A lot of the stuff you mentioned sounds very familiar. I use CC/captions too because speech sometimes get garbled for me.

I hold stuff in too until I'm in private--I've been learning to do that my entire life in order to adapt. It took me a while to learn how to express emotion correctly.

I am in a relationship with a guy who thinks he might have AS tendencies too. We understand each others' "weirdnesses" pretty well.

Anyway, welcome again, glad you're here.

Hello, supernova - and welcome to the WP neighborhood.

Hallo, supernova. Willkommen!

Thank you. I was trying to be very conscientious of not going on at length (and about myself too).



So far, the main benefit I've gotten from doing these tests is feeling a little more oriented and understanding things like behavior and the way I see and exist in the world. Just understanding oneself better. And from some of the posts here, the "A-ha, so I am not the only one who does that / needs that / sees that!" moments. I think that gained insight (& hopefully coping mechanisms) might be enough for me.



That was my thought as well, but then someone said, "Oh you will need counseling if you want this to work out," which sort of made me feel like we're just like little children who need someone's guiding hand. I personally think she does just fine expressing what emotions she is feeling at a given time (she says I am the one who has problems in this area, and I concur). This is not to say there aren't rough patches or stumbles, but I am just not convinced that we require a therapist just because we're both not-NT.



Can I just say that the other day we went to the movie and it was a very loud one & crowded, so at some point I just started typing out the dialogue in her hand, and I must have been doing it for a while before I realized it, and then it occurred to me that she is the only person I've been with who hasn't said, "Could you please stop tapping on me?" or "WHAT are you doing?!" Because she knows what I'm doing and why I'm doing it... she just lets it happen and doesn't make me feel like a defective person for doing it.



Oh it was such a surprise when I was watching a movie for about the 12th time one day with the subtitles to find out that whole chunks of the movie were different than I'd thought they were. But also, when I was able to turn on subtitles / CC upon a first viewing of a movie or show and really understand instead of part of the dialogue just being "garble garble blah blah garble" and knowing I missed something - that was great.

Last edited by supernova on 08 Aug 2010, 11:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you for the welcomes.

Same here.



I'm glad you guys found each other.



Yep. Kind of like listening to a song while reading the lyrics and realizing "Oh, that's what it's saying."

Welcome to WP!

Welcome to WrongPlanet.

Welcome to Wrong Planet

Welcome!

Interesting stuff, so the person who referred you to this site, could the person be a member of Wrongplanet?

Anyways, you deserve a good welcome to WrongPlanet.

To WrongPlanet!! !

Thanks for the welcomes. Not sure if the person who referred me posts or knew about it from the articles. She's not much of a forum person these days.

welcome