my family and i became aware of asperger's about 5 years ago.
my father was diagnosed with asperger's at age 57. he died 2 years later as he was finally coming to understand it.
my parents had been to counseling off and on at various times through their marriage.
i remember telling my mom when i was a teenager that my father was the "most socially and emotionally ignorant person i ever met in my life". you know how its said in the asperger's movie "mozart and the whale" "asperger's is a funny animal". that is how i would describe my father. he was very intelligent..a brake engineer matter of fact. he had good work friends and good outside of work friends. he was so at ease and just "different" when he was out in public. but we saw another side of him. he would get upset over something so small and insignificant. he would raise his hand at the dinner table like he wanted to speak when a tense discussion or argument would ensue. he would never seem to understand or learn that certain things he said to me or my mom were upsetting, hurtful, and downright lies time and time again. he would never seem to follow that my mom was mad at him even if she left the room, like once she left, it was like nothing happened. i think we all felt kinda cheated that here was this great funny nice man out in public all the time and we got to see the other side of dad.
my childhood was generally normal. i was in cub scouts, baseball, soccer, had school friends and neighborhood friends. I also had learning disabilities and hearing issues til i was age 11. i went to a speech pathologist, school counselor til that time too. looking back, i didnt make my friends by choice or by my own initiative, really. i think i was just introduced to my neighbor's kid before kindergarten and we all were good friends til our mid teen years. i had a grade school bully til about 3rd grade. but like i said, childhood was generally a good time. i was known to love music as an infant as i would always become distracted by music from whatever i was doing at the time. at age 7 my mom got me drum set lessons at a local music store and i listened to mainly 60's music especially the beach boys.
the teen years came and all the changes and the awkwardness and peer pressure came in. i had joined the band in 6th grade and continued through high school. my childhood friends eventually went our separate ways around age 16 for typical growing up teen reasons. the junior high years were rather calm and uneventful with a slight increase in the teasing/bullying/normal male teenage crap compared to what would happen in high school. by 9th grade, i had not gotten any new solid friends outside of my neighborhood. i was in band but i was not close to anyone in my own class by this time. i leaned on a gf once every year but i also began to spend a lot of weekends at home in my room watching snl, america's most wanted, movies, and listening to open house party whenever i wasnt at a band practice/competition/or football game. i was instantly a good target from the upper class-men with their teasing/bullying/embarrassing insults/physical rough housing/etc. i would come home seething with anger almost everyday not understanding why i was being treated this way. my mom tried to help me with it by telling me what to say and what to do the next time it happened, but i always never got to that point. i just took the abuse. i was told by many of them i was gullible and strange and stupid. and this would continue all through high school.
i did luckily find a group of guys in band who i just started randomly hanging around too much that i became a part of their group. so they were a good relief. but in my time with them, i never became close with any of them. it became to be that i was the third wheel or 5th wheel of the group. we had our stupid fun but it was always stuff that they wanted to do. my opinion was never taken to account, so i just went along with it as i was just happy to have "friends" at that time. by my senior year, i had no close friends as my group of guys had graduated a year before me. so i was left alone with my new underclass gf.
my bout with depression began at age 17 and it was not treated immediately at that time. i was suicidal at times and did not recieve proper treatment til age 22. to this day, i take medicine for depression.
i went to college and spent 3 years there til i had a mental breakdown at the beginning of my senior year. college to me was another mixed bag of experiences. i didnt click with my freshman roommate or the other guys that he instantly bonded with in the dorm very quickly. i know i didnt try to make friends (or the thought never occurred to me) in any of my classes either. my next roommate was another complete opposite of me as well. in my first two years at college, i had the same teasing/bullying/embarrassing insults and actions/ and even physical attacks occur to me again. i spent many weekends alone in my room on weekends, eating alone, and going places like the gym and downtown alone. i still didnt understand or i guess not care to understand why this was happening again. i found one good guy my soph year that became my only friend for my junior year and i thought he would be helpful with me getting other friends. but it ended up being where he didnt care to do much of anything most of the time and if i asked to go do something with him he would be like "why" and "who else is going?". so by my senior year, after 3 separate roommates, i got a single room by myself. and thats when i came to realize how much time and effort and all of this stuff i had wasted in the last 3 years and had not gotten anywhere with anybody. i had been with the college radio station for a year and a half but again same thing no friends came out of it and i had a job at a dining hall and no friends came of it. i loved the college for the academic programs i was in, but socially i thought it was another hell on earth so i left and returned home. i was confused, angry, and alone.
i went to a local college and finished my degree (however in a more broad definition of it). i got a job and joined the college radio station there for some of the brief 9 months i had left in college. obviously, the odds were against me. a new transfer at their senior year going into a program where people had been there for 3 or so years already. well it was still the same thing to me. and by that point, all i concentrated on was getting my degree and getting the hell out of college asap.
i stayed home for a few years and moved out on my own over 2 years ago. i have lived in two different cities in the southwest ohio region. i have had 3 different jobs in those 2 years as well. the longest being my current one of a year and a half. i do not have any work friends and have one casual acquaintance who i see maybe 1-2 times every 3 months. relationships with women have been nothing serious or long term over the last 5 years. i keep busy by going to the gym, shopping, renting movies, and spending time online.
there is more to my story but i think this is long enough for an introduction. lol. sorry my story is so long. i hope to be helpful and hopeful with others on this site. thanks. musicprophets.
18 Sep 2010, 12:35 am
