Hi, everyone I've recently stumbled across this site after googling my thoughts and problems...and what a relief its been to find you all! I've been seeing a therapist for Borderline Personality disorder but after more careful questioning Ive been diagnosted with Aspergers, which led to Borderline personality disorder from all the rejections Ive experienced. Apart from a handful of people, maybe 7 or 8 people I feel like i can connect and relate with what you all write....I don't feel alone anymore and I thank you guys for it!
i'm a 20 year old guy, originally from hawaii where i was born and raised and currently reside in Eugene, Oregon for school. I grew up as a seemingly normal kid except i had a few asperger traits which were overlooked because of a culture difference. Hawaii is very unique in that the people think and act in a very "Hawaiian/Asian" way, meaning people are all relatively polite, warm and receiving of others who may be very different from oneself. This is because there are so many ethnic groups that live together
Filipino 13.6%,Japanese 12.6% Polynesian 9.0% German 7.4% Irish 5.2% English 4.6%Portuguese 4.3% Chinese 4.1% Korean 3.1% Mexican 2.9% Puerto Rican 2.8% Italian 2.7% African 2.4% French 1.7%Scottish 1.2%
that different types of people have to interact with each other everyday at school, work, walking around, at the beach etc. My asperger awkwardness sometimes went un noticed because initially, other people simply attributed my awkwardness to the the fact that i'm Japanese-American and could maybe be a immigrant and not know English too well. This could be true in a way, Japanese was my first language-Japanese was sometimes spoken at home- but I started to learn English around age 4 or so and i grew up speaking English as my main language.
I think psychologically I might be Japanese because my home life was more Japanese than American whereas my outside life was purely American (with a Hawaiian flavor). My dad is Japanese-American and grew up in Hawaii, so he is more American than Japanese....my mother is from Tokyo and moved to America to go to college years ago but shes definately a Japanese person. I loved the beach, the sun, fishing, bodysurfing, playing ukulele, playing football, While I speak perfect English accent wise, sometimes i find that my sentence structure is yoda-esqe because in Japanese the sentence structure is usually Subject-Object-Verb and in English its Subject-Verb-Object-which forces me to do unconscious translating and switching of tenses and context. this makes my conversation skills more impaired. Also my relationship with my parents was a very "Asian" one, we didnt talk much, they cared mostly for grades and achievements and put value on hard work over fun and spoke Japanese/English mix at home. They have never said it but I think they view me as a disappointment....they love me as parents should but they put far too much value on getting things done rather than letting a kid be a kid. They were very spartan when it came to money, we didn't buy luxuries, only necessities which drove me crazy since I went to a very American school full of rich and prestigious people.
However outside of home at school, work, the gym, football, now college my life was American and I struggled to fit in because of my social deficits...The only thing that gave me any joy at all during middle-high school were hanging out with my 2 groups of friends who accept me as their 'weird/quirky: friend and high school football. Before that and sometimes through high school I had 'friends' but thats because I became a "mirror" of sorts and kind of took on their personality and they liked me somewhat because i was like them. I still do this to some extent today.
My family was of no support because of the "Asian" family system and people at school treated me as a nuisance or as if i were invisible...but football saved me from depression. While I have limited social skills, I have tremendous determination if I really want something, I think its my way of getting things done : if i cant get it done socially ill have to do it myself. I wasnt large or athletic, in fact i was quite overweight and slow but I wanted to be social, wanted some kind of recognition and being on the high school football team gave me something to hold onto, an accomplishment. My high school was the most prestigious school in the country in terms of athletics and athletes produced so it made it even more appealing for me. In a way it was my personal version of MTV's MADE....and I DID IT! For 3 years from soph-senior years I worked out, ran, did football drills, then worked out some more and lost the weight, got stronger and faster, gained confidence and made up for my still not-so-spectacular athletic skill with my asperger mentality- I was able to 'read' plays in a split second like I could hyper focus or something....and so I was naturally skilled at disrupting plays or sometimes even making them. My coaches and some teammates respected my work ethic and determination- and those teammates are some of my best friends today even though i hardly see them anymore. they respected my determination and got to know me better because we went to practice and worked out everyday...most people dont hang around me long enough to know me because they think im weird/creepy. But my teammates saw me and were more accepting...i had a surrogate family to go to at 4:00 PM after school everyday and a stadium of 8000 people on Fridays....it was my life and when i graduated i felt empty.
Now im a junior in college, I made tons of superficial friends in college because I learned the skills to be nice and social for small periodsof time and mask the awkwardness. I've had many good and eye opening experiences in college so far and by far the most meaningful conversations and short term relationships with people beacuse since most ppl i meet I never see again or see fleetingly they can never pick up on the awkwardness for the short periods of time we are together....this allows me to have a fresh slate with that person and I have no anxiety...ive met some of the more meaningful 'friends' in these ways..ppl who I can see periodically and maintain a friendship with (because they arnt around long enough to pick up my oddness).
For the first two years I partied, drank, went out, worked out, had a few dates with girls but like most people after they know me for long enough, they see how awkward and strange I am and go away. some people percieve me as creepy, some who have been around me longer know that I mean well but am super awkward, and a few people i know are such open minded people that they are completely fine with who i am...but the majority treat me like im a weirdo, a creep, a psychopath beacuse I cant interact normally, I have trouble with eye contact, awkward posture and that im not particularly handsome (although some girls do check me out occasionally if im their type, but they too lose interest when they talk to me).
My roommates all liked me at first and when we agreed to live together because they only saw me for a few hours at a time, i was able to 'act' and be normal in those times...now that they live with me they see the REAL me and think im weird and creepy because I can no longer use my usual conversation patterns with them (im good at getting convos started and learning about who they are, it doesnt work it ppl u already know).... my neighbor (whom ive never had a conversation with, never formally met
also thinks i am creepy because one night she was having sex (her rooms above and to the side of mine) and I couldnt stand it, so I got off my chair and walked over to the closet to get my hoodie so I could cover my ears and continue reading in peace. I guess to her it sounded like I had gotten up and started to listen (as if people couldnt hear already)....shes also in one or two of my classes and always looks on edge and glances at me, i think she thinks im a stalker or a serial killer or something....I have no such intentions, i could careless about my neighbor but shes told her boyfriend and her roommates and now everyone else in the apartment complex thinks im a creep...I was thinking of actually asking politely and in a friendly manner to have a talk with my neighbor and her boyfriend and explaining my whole situation. I want to put down and make it known I have Aspergers and that my awkwardness is not me being all "psycho weird" but its because i dont understand social cues and stuff like that...i also want to clear up the getting up to put on my hoodie/being a pervert thing but i am not sure how to bring that up...its killing me to think everyone here thinks im a pervert, creep on top of being awkward...im not but everyone around me draws their own conclusions without knowing wh
...but its gotten to the point where all of my 'friends' have known me for long enough that they have all begun to drift away and I've gotten depressed after I realized what my lifes been like...but im working to pick it up and have a "re-charge" year by going back to Hawaii then taking it from there.
I know ive written too much, i needed to get it out and finally knowing what my problem was made me want to connect with you all. Between seeing how much ive improved socially in the past 3 years and discovering this site, I have hope for a better future. Thank you all and I look forward to being a part of this forum!
-Mike
09 Oct 2010, 6:03 pm
