Hello to anyone interested in reading this. As mentioned, I'm a 38 year old male that has just been diagnosed with AS a few days ago. Where to start... Perhaps that my doctor is on vacation, and I have no one I can really talk to this about, and the few close friends I have are having trouble accepting/processing the news as such, let alone understanding.
Apart from the diagnosis, to whatever degree I know for certain I am somewhere in the high functional autism spectrum. I've studied psychology over half my life (personally), but for some reason, aspergers always eluded me. And it was only after working with, imo, a very talented and devoted psychologist, after having visited several over the years, I mentioned that I often feel as, at least parts of me, are autistic, and we discovered my AS.
For the first time in my life, and not to in anyway use this as a crutch or excuse, I finally understand why I've had so many difficulties with certain aspects of my personality and life. I honestly always thought I was weak, being difficult/complicated, or was generally a bad person for being different, and not understanding or feeling a range of emotions, that seems to be common in most people.
I blamed myself, I severely isolated myself, and condemned myself to a personal hell with no escape or hope, at least it seemed.
I don't think most people would ever imagine I'd have AS, if they understood what it was, or any other psychological 'condition'. Since I have a very high functioning autism, and I've tried very hard to separate the world, and hell I sometimes feel inside, and what I expose to the outside world, if that seems familiar to anyone on the forum.
Although I would never label myself or others to one specific attribute, knowing well each and everyone of us are complex, deep, individual beings, I finally feel a certain relief due to the better understanding of how AS has played a role throughout my life.
SO much as it fitting, and answers so many questions, as if some great secret were finally revealed to me, I can't say I'm not a little shocked an perturbed to find out it was this. Not feeling I have people I can talk to and that -really- understand me, is a bit troublesome at the moment.
I displayed many of the classical symptoms of AS as a child, being an outsider, picked on for the first few years of school till, I learned to defend myself, and the 'little professor' thing from various teachers calling me that or 'genius'. Although being picked on by kids wasn't great, I usually had at least a few friends, even if one or two. And I don't consider my childhood to be the most difficult part of my life. I had very loving and caring parents, so that helped very much.
Due to certain skills, and at least feeling secure about myself in my domains of interest and knowledge (computers, media, music, art), instead of having problems, I've actually had a fair amount of success professionally.
But I've always had great emotional difficulties, that were very troublesome as a child, but all that much harder as an adult. And while I think I could go on for hours listing examples, that I at least think many here may feel familiar with. The biggest problems I've had consisted in a hellacious 8 year marriage with a woman I loved very much, and the trainwreak thereafter.
I was 24, she a bit older, already was married and had a daughter. We both made mistakes, and she was actually quit abusive, but my emotional immaturity in certain things, and the fact that our daughter was slowly dying from Huntington's disease made our life together unbearable, an ultimately impossible.
The loss of our daughter, and the loss of my wife and family was too much for me to bare. There are also -many- other factors and events involved, but for brevities sake, I will not address them in this writing.
More relevant now would be that after my separation and divorce, followed by another involvement with a woman I considered to be 'the love of my life' / soul mates with that failed, I went into a horrid 7-8 year depression, where I severely isolated myself, truly felt at least emotionally I was to blame for everything, started doing drugs (prescription morphine), cared so little about myself, and lost almost all hope in myself and life, to the point I let myself have 7 deep vein thrombosis in my legs, and ensuing pulmonary embolisms, simply because I didn't care enough about myself to take the medication I was supposed to take to prevent further thrombosis's, after the first one.
All dramatizing, and self-pity aside (please don't feel I seek any, I am simply explaining what has happened), I almost died. Almost out of luck, I got a dog. An Alaskan malamute to be precise, that I love with all my heart. He was battered, starved, and -very- afraid. We somehow managed to nurse each other into better physically and emotional health over the last two years.
To the point I walk 5, even 10 miles a day with him, take much better care of myself, and finally found the will, not only to want to live, but to address and battle the many problems I was and am facing.
This year has been fairly positive, certainly better than any of the last 15 or so. I started visiting the psychologist I mentioned a few short months ago. I've gotten new, fairly lucrative work projects, have just signed up to volunteer a few hours a week to a local 'soup' kitchen for the poor, where I can connect with more people: There is a lot I still need to address, but I'm even slowly thinking of a relationship again, and perhaps if lucky enough, a family again.
But this experience, the many years of not only isolation, but self-loathing and despair, and the recent diagnosis, have kinda taken their toll in a way. And although I know I will continue to move things forward, the lack of a larger support group/social network, the feeling that very few people can ever really understand me and my perspective, and perhaps the certain inability to connect to people at certain emotional levels, has left me a bit perturbed, and wanting to seek others that may understand.
I don't at all mean to be defeatist, because I have put up one hell of a fight the past two years, with about the only things keeping me going at first was taking care of my dog, but even now, I'm so used to feeling misunderstood, that I'm not even sure many or anyone here will understand me or any of this.
But still I do welcome anyone that might at least want to try. I know I'm -far- from alone in having problems. And in that spirit I greet all of you, and wish you the very best in both the beauty and many struggles of this life.
Thank you for reading, if you made it this far, I really do appreciate that.
Peace
S.
p.s. sorry for the typos/grammar english is not my first language, and I'm too tired to recheck.
11 Oct 2010, 2:31 pm
