New. And Confused. And SCARED! And Relieved???

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I got the most disturbing text message this morning from my ex-wife:

"Listen, I do not mean to be at all insulting, but I was reading a book that mentioned Asperger's Syndrome, and Jim, you have so many of the qualities. Highly intelligent, not comfortable making eye contact, stress headaches, obsession with hobbies and perfection with them. Have you ever read anything about it?"

My reaction was, in essence, WTF? I wasn't insulted (and my ex-wife and I are on very good terms), but this was from completely out-of-the-blue. So, I jumped on it: determined to prove her wrong, I started my research. (Clue #1? If not, here's Clue #2: I almost didn't post this message because I can't decide whether "out-of-the-blue" should be hyphenated like that or not. Or Clue #3: I had time to address this today only because I stayed home from work to research the publishing history of an obscure Bible translation; that is, until I got caught up in mapping Ted Bundy's travels around Utah, Colorado, and Idaho in the '70s.)

Anyway, I found the AQ test online and took it, scoring a 38. Obviously, that's pretty comfortably over some threshold, although not as high as it could be. I understand that this is not meant to be a "diagnostic test." If it's not that, however, then what is it? And what does it mean? A lot of confusion, here, folks.

Here's where the "scared" part comes in. Honestly, I've got enough problems right now. I really don't need another. I'm recently divorced, a recovering alcoholic, deeply in debt, and on medication for depression and anxiety. And now this?

But, here's where the "relieved" part comes in. Maybe I've finally gotten to the bottom of all this. The incredible social anxiety, avoiding social situations at just about all costs. The uncontrollable obsessions over things that I don't even care about. Just not "getting it." The physical symptoms (mainly tensed muscles, also migraine headaches). Hiding from the world; would you believe that only two people on earth know my address? (I get mail at a P.O. box an hour away from where I live.) Strange and useless talents contrasted with no skills at doing things that come so easily to everyone else. (So many examples... I can almost always tell you what time it is -- like to the minute -- without a clock (and love doing that). I do not know how to respond when you say hello to me, however.)

Bottom line: I'm tired of having to fake my way through life, putting on a suit of very hard-won armor every morning just to be able to go out and deal with a world that has always eluded me.

But, here's the crazy part: that armor works (actually, better and better with each passing day) -- at least superficially. I am highly-functioning, with two Ivy League degrees and a frightening amount of responsibility at work. I'm an accomplished lawyer, very good at most aspects of my job -- except for speaking in front of other people of course! I'm extremely well-paid, but always broke, as I just can't seem to manage money. (My colleagues all have beach houses; I live in a rent-subsidized apartment a step away (figuratively) and a few blocks away (literally) from one of NYC's most dangerous housing projects.) Everyone my age has kids; I have a very difficult time taking care of myself(!)

OK, I have to stop. You're bored and I'm starting to freak out. Someone, anyone -- say something, anything. This is sooo awkward. I've never really asked for advice on anything from anyone in my life, let alone cried out for help. (Not even as I was getting sober.) I feel pretty pathetic, very honestly. To say that I'm out of my comfort zone, here, would be putting it *quite* mildly.

AM I LIKE YOU GUYS??? I have a psychiatrist and a therapist already, so what to do now???

To WrongPlanet!! !

Well, let us see ...


All of that and more of your own case certainly describes me.


That will depend upon how well either of them will be able to keep up as you come to terms with all of this ...

... and I welcome you to WP!

Hello, fellow-traveler RainingRoses - and welcome greetings to the WP community.

Hi, RainingRoses! ^^ ^^ The good news is that you are very much like some of us, aside from some of the issues that I'm too young to deal with...but, other than that, there are a lot of similarities between us (social anxiety, the useless talent of naming animes, diagnosing, and writing angst fanfiction, and other things), including that we both need medication! I hope you are happy here, because you found a place to fit into...^^ (Seriously, these are one of the three places on the internet that I actually fit in!)

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Think of the "diagnosis" as having a "cheat sheet" for solving your problems--you don't have to use it, but it might make it your life easier, or at least easier to understand!

I kind of get that, I guess. Do I really want/need a diagnosis, though? What can be done? In a way, I'm afraid this is going to turn out a bit like when a neurologist diagnosed my migraine headaches. I went to him because I wanted him to do something about them. After all of the tests, he reported that, "your scans are consistent with someone who suffers from migraine headaches." Thanks. My mom could have told him that when I was four years old. He didn't think any of the medications designed to treat them (at least at the time) were very effective. So, he suggested Advil. Mmmm. Hadn't thought of that one. Thanks again . . .

You know what I mean? Like, where's the hope???

And how 'bout my psychiatrist and my therapist? I pay these people a lot of money (and am too embarrassed to submit the bills to my insurance carrier) -- for what? How could a trained therapist sit there for an hour every week for years and let me talk about all of this with no inkling there was something kind of serious and diagnosable going on? With no thought that I might be more than just a little shy?

No, you don't want to pay for an official diagnosis for Asperger's. Those are for kids so they can get the education and job training they need. You are lucky enough to be too wealthy for assistance.

Those of us with Asperger's learn adaptations to help us better fit in the NT world--are brains are wired differently so we are often more efficient at single tasks, as worse at multitasking. I find it helps to reduce the number of tasks--I pay bills as they come in to reduce the impact on my life. Many of us keep lists of important stuff to do. While I'd prefer to work on stuff hour after hour, my wife prefers that I take breaks to do stuff with her--we have been married over 10 years.

Great intro post!

It all sounds very aspergers to me!

Congratulations on having a career! A lot of us don't!

Re. Migraines, have you looked at diet? Food is very often a factor, especially gluten, dairy, sugar, and corn.

Welcome to WP.
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Welcome!

An official dx won't help. But feel free to come here and see if we have solutions to your problems. Oh, and the stuff you were researching sounds interesting.

Sure. No. 1 was always alcohol, particularly red wine (but in recovery, so no longer an issue); also cheese, chocolate, and not enough caffeine. (This last one is strange, but what I've learned is that a regular headache -- like a "no-caffeine" headache -- can trigger a migraine.) Main triggers are stress/excitement and loud music, though -- so not diet-related. This is sad, but I live in New York and I *cannot* see Broadway shows, for example. Too much excitement and loud music!

Asperger's is too rare for your mental health team to recognize--it is something for specialists to diagnose in kids at an early age. There may even be the perception (by some mental health types) that if you are an older adult, it doesn't matter, except toward confirming the diagnosis of a kid, since it runs in families.

A major distinction between Aspies and NTs is that we find social situations draining--NTs are actually recharged by good social activities. A NT may be refreshed after a good therapy session--I'm sure you are always drained. Conversely, we are recharged by singular involvement in our special interests. You need to embrace, rather than avoid, special interests, unless they involve illegal activities or drugs like alcohol. Maybe devote an hour or two every night just for your special interest--way to much for an NT, but not for an Aspie. You are also at the age in your special interests may be discouraged--just do them in the privacy of your own home. You might also find an age appropriate special interest, just for conversation purposes. Special interests done primarily by kids can often be quite inexpensive, and help you save money to dig out of your poor financial situation.