another stranger has landed

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Looking for people to bond w/ on spacial issues (feeling unbalanced most of the time). Socially shy to the extent I have no real friends. I'm scared to be myself (although I've been trying hard lately, and think I might be making progress).
I don't connect to anything, I just kind of float through life. I'm at my wits end.

I had one of the loneliest thoughts of my life the other night. I live in a really dangerous neighborhood in NYC. There has been at least one fatal shooting on my corner every year since I've lived here -- and most years several. Needless to say, my walk from subway to apartment every night -- especially now that it's getting dark earlier -- is not particularly safe. This led me to my weird and profound thought: if I were to die right now, something like half a dozen people would be at my funeral. My parents, sister, and a few acquaintances. Like you, "no real friends." Heck, my parents don't even know my address -- and we're quite a close family!! ! Only two people know where I live, actually: my roommate (duh!) and her father (who's never visited -- just knows the address).

And it's completely my fault. I push everyone away. That first question on the AQ test -- prefer to do things with others rather than on my own? -- PLEASE! "Definitely Disagree" x 1000! (Exponents should be an option on that test!) I just will not (because I feel like I can not) open up to people. And after a while, normal folks start to grow suspicious. I've lost *all* of my old college friends (for whom I would have done anything at the time -- we were all that close) because I never answered the phone when they called or called them back.

"Float through life." I totally get it. I asked my therapist the other night when something was going to "stick" and really mean something to me. When are we all going to just open up and be spontaneous and ourselves and connect with each other and have lives? I'm tired of living completely inside myself. I'm already 38. I'd like that opening to happen sometime relatively soon.

float threw life, i do that to the extreme, not only are interests limited, do you have anhedonia all the time when you are not doing your interests, and your interests get boring quick? i am just curious, completely new to this, suffered my whole life and never had an excuse, something just to ease my mind. Life is not always about doing certain things in a set manner, living in a cubicle seeing the light and making a lot of money, surely not. Even if you find nothing your entire life and continue to suffer, all you can do is push through, and live your life as a "good person", do not hurt others and try to always focus on self improvement and goals of any kind. following those two things will ensure, u either gain from the perseverance, die having been a good person or go to heaven or anything else your faith might tell you. Persevere, and never stop seeking and trying. And you don't have to succeed at any of that, just try. I used drugs for many years to cover up my issues, and it worked very well for a short period of time. And then its just you again, carrying who you are wherever you go, wherever you may run.

To WrongPlanet!! !