Spouse of AS

Post Reply New Topic

Hi! I am new here and just learning the different ways to cope with spouse having AS. Any suggestions?

Welcome!

Lesson One:
People with AS often require non-vague questions and information. If you would like advice you should cite a specific issue or problem.

Hello, aprillynn - and welcome greetings to the WP neighborhood.

Hello everyone! Thanks for the welcome! One of the concerns that I have is how to ask more attention because I usually give him the attention when I need some. I don't have any friends and not to close with the family.

A very special Welkome to WrongPlanet, with a K.

The WP Kink

You sure you don't also have AS yourself? Sometimes aspergians find each other.

No I don't think I have AS. I have never had any trouble with anything. I can socialize fine, sleep good, no depression, no anxiety, and nothing else. It all runs on my husbands mothers side of the family.

Hi Aprillynn

Welcome

I hope you can find some help here. And, you may be able to help some of us. I have been idadvertantly driving my wife up the wall for 24+ years and she is at the end of her teather. I never knew that anything was wrong. If you find any hints and tips for your partner that work, please post on wrong planet. A PM to notify me of the post would also be appreciated. My wife's biggest complaint is that I don't make her feel loved. I do love her dearly but I don't know what is missing and she can't explain.

About being Aspie yourself, I don't want to panic you but I also have never had the problems that you mention. Socially, I just come across as being a bit shy with people that I don't know well. I never reallised I had AS, although my wife has suspected for years. I am self diagnosed but very sure. There are several online tests that you can take. If I could get a prize for good marks, I'd be a winner.

Best wishes and good luck (I sincerely hope you fail the tests)

My husband has taken the online testing and everything shows he has AS. He shows affection but not as much as I need sometimes. He is more into his obessions than anything else. He doesn't tell me that he loves me, he just figures that I know it and he doesn't have to tell me. He usually responds with a "me too" or a "yep".

Hello, you can also try this place too:

http://asdrelationships.freeforums.org/

It's for people on the spectrum and NTs who are in relationships.

But stick around here and learn more.

Welcome!

Sounds familiar to me.

I can’t speak for your other half but this rings true in my case.

To follow is a rather long rant about my experience on these subjects. I only realised that I am AS only one month ago. My wife could have written your post about me a couple of years ago. Since I realised I was AS and confirmed my wife’s suspicions, the wheel has really fallen off our relationship, as she is now resigned to the fact that I will not be able to change: it is the way I am made.

In my case, I do have my obsessions and will cut myself off from my family for extended periods of time. If I am not dealing directly with my issue of the day I am thinking about it. It’s as if I can only deal with one issue at a time. And, I am not very good at returning affection in the way that my wife needs. What I can tell you is that I love my wife dearly and I would change if I knew how to.

Regarding my obsessions; I don’t know why I need them. I can get obsessed about almost anything. If I start something I have to complete it and I can block everything else out, including my wife and daughters, without realising it. I only realise once things go too far and my family looses patience with me. If I stay away from my unfinished project, I can’t help thinking about it. Although I may be physically with my family my mind is elsewhere. Good grief! That must be really annoying. I’m trying to work through why I get so deep into my obsessions. If I find a solution, or work around, I will post on the site.

Regarding returning affection for my other half: this is more difficult and I know I have has caused her pain that I will never understand. Our story is very similar to yours. While I dearly love my wife, I don’t make her feel loved. Several years ago we tried the Men from Mars and Women from Venus stuff. It’s a great book and many things made sense to both of us. I worked very hard at putting the things into practice, but my wife never even noticed and complains to this day that I never tried. Now, I do tell my wife I love her, very often, and I try to show that I cherish her, very much in accordance with the book, but it doesn’t work because there is something missing, “Empathy”. I am not able to connect with my wife to instinctively pick up what she is feeling. Across this site you will come across many AS accounts of empathy and how AS people can come across as unfeeling. In my case anyway, my emotions are fully intact. I feel as much as anybody else. There are some theories, not shared by me, that reckon AS people are too sensitive to emotion and that they shut down their instinctive senses to cope.
I am totally capable of having a sympathetic response once aware of how the other party feels. Unfortunately, I do not pick up the signs in the same way that an NT person would. I think that the perceived lack of outward affection of AS people may be due to not being able to recognise affection awarded to them and therefore not knowing how to return it.

So, where are we now? We read the book, learned the techniques and put them into practice. My wife still does not feel loved. I can just never get the timing right. From my wife’s point of view, I do the things in the book because it’s on my list (true and another AS thing) and not because I love her (untrue). Subtle things go unnoticed or, more often, make things worse, because they are out of context. I don’t know what it is that I don’t understand. It is so easy for most people. My wife can’t explain what she needs either.

My wife has learned to put up with my obsessions; she’ll do something herself or read a book, but she can’t learn to be without affection. It is important to her. I so wish I could give her what she needs. I suspect your other half has the same dilemma.

Best wishes

Hello and welcome to WrongPlanet aprillyn

@ BassMan_720 I liked your message. I am sure your wife is an amazing person, and if she could read what you just said she would know how you feel about her.

Shadi

Hi aprillynn, From the research that I have done, the most effective way for a NT partner to handle a situation where they need something from their AS partner, is to simply ask for it. maybe even explain to them, "when i am making this face, it means i am in need of attention" and he may eventually learn that face and be able to respond to it (and he may not, but at least you are giving him a chance.) Be direct. "please put your arm around me" "I am feeling ignored, can you stop paying attention to your obsession and play a game with me for an hour." You are going to have to tell him exactly what you need from him, which is not the most romantic thing, but the more information you can give the better chance you are giving him to succeed at being a part of the relationship. from what i understand, AS people are not not giving you what you need because they dont want to, but because they are unaware. the more they fail and see you frustrated the more likely they are to stop trying or will try avoiding the situation all together. there are some great books out there for AS-NT couples.

As for peoples comments on you being AS, be aware that NT partners can start mirroring their partners AS traits. My partner loves to say I have AS, but i am pretty neuro-typical. I say this only because you mentioned you dont really have any freinds. it is very easy to start feeling like your life revolves around your AS partner. Make sure you take care of yourself and your needs as well. your relationship will be better for it if you have friendships where you can look for some of the emotional contact that your AS partner is unable to give.

To WrongPlanet!! !