Hello. My name is Jennifer. I am married with two children. My eldest is 13 and has Aspergers as well as Adhd. He was diagnosed with Adhd at 5, and then Aspergers at 8, though we'd suspected it slightly sooner. I'm now trying to figure out if I too have Aspergers.
Without getting into my whole life story right off, I will say that I have suspected for quite some time that I may have Aspergers as well. Really from the moment I started researching autism, I started feeling that I exhibited quite a few of the "symptoms". Lately I think it has been becoming more obvious to me. My anxiety has been really high my entire life, but now that my son is a teenager, and I have been yet again researching new coping strategies to try with him, I have been reminded of the possibility that I indeed may need the help just as much as he does. I do yoga and I exercise regularly, which I think helps a lot, but I definitely still have my moments of pure anxiety, akwardness, anti-social behavior, and ocd type rituals. I should probably mention that my sister has schizoaffective disorder, (among a long line of former diagnosis), my mother is extremely anti-social, and my father has always been the "odd" one among his family members.
I struggled in school as a child, not because I was not smart but because I rarely spoke to others and I daydreamed a lot. I had very few friends until middle school. Even then, looking back my friends were actually usually slightly "different" as well. I had extremely low self esteem, which I always chalked up to the fact that my mother had very little time for me because not only was she a single mother who had to work a lot, but she also had her hands full with my sister. My sister had severe emotional struggles as a child and she was also born with a cleft-lip and pallette, which required several surgeries and intense speech therapy. However, after years of therapy and such with my own son, I can't help but wonder about my own "differences". I constantly tell myself that we all have our struggles, and wouldn't one of the many doctors or specialists I've worked with over the years have pointed out the possibility that I may also have Aspergers if it were true? I do try very hard not to stand out, but it takes a lot out of me. Usually if I do have a social outing of any kind I have to come home to unwind, sometimes for hours. It seems like it has always just been harder for me to be normal, but then when I have tried to talk to others about it they just kind of laugh it off. I'm not sure if others are just trying to be nice (which isn't always helpful) or if they just don't know how to react. I feel like it is so much harder for me to cope with the everyday stuff, and nobody seems to understand that. People are always telling me how peaceful and calm I always seem which is so bizzare to me because inside I usually feel like I am about to blow up!!
I guess at this point I am just a little confused. I am not sure if it even matters at this point. I am 34 years old, and have made it this far with no real help (other than therapy now and then when I've been depressed in the past). I feel like my family needs me to be the best I can be, so I do try to manage my anxiety, and of course advocate for my son. My question is, is that enough? Is it enough to just suspect that I have it and continue to educate myself, and try to live a productive life and be a good mother? Are there other moms out there who only suspected they had it once they had a child born with Aspergers?
15 Nov 2010, 6:27 pm
