Hello, I just joined this forum, and I'd like to share my story with you.
Note: I'm not diagnosed by a psychiatrist yet. Although, when I heard about AS, I had finally the confidence to see my school psychologist again, and as I knew that now I can stand up for myself- now I can tell everything the way it is, instead of feeling guilty about the way I think or feel- I just talked about everything, and she told me that it does seem very likely that I have AS (she has a lot of AS in her family so she talked about her Aspie brother too and I could relate very much to him). I now want to visit a psychiatrist for a proffessional diagnosis.
When I started reading about AS, I became very happy to finally find what has been so "wrong" with me during all these years. I thought that everything I was going through was "normal" and that everyone had been through it, I just have my own "special" sides or it's just something I need to work on and develop into "usual" behavior. I suppresed all my "real" thoughts,since if I tried to verbalize them, it would come out as weird to other people, or I'd feel finally left alone.
I remember thinking that there were so many people in class, each in their own place, I observed everything what was happening, and by the end of the day I felt very tried, I couldn't do my homework with good quality. Each day in school was a pain for me, I couldn't stand children screaming, running, and I feared the stairs, since there were so many people there, moving in different directions. I almost planned each of my steps. I had no idea what it meant when someone was staring, laughing while looking at another person, and so on, I took it very personally, and then I avoided such situations, fearing them, thinking them through. That's what was happening in my mind for all these years. It was the same in preschool. I was very bothered when somebody would interrupt me from doing my sandcastle or piling up blocks,toys.., I became aggressive at times. Whenever surroundings in my room changed, for example when mum would put my toys in the wrong place, I took it almost as an attack at times, more precisely I felt as if it was threatening, it felt as if somebody amputated my leg or arm; a part of me was destroyed. The feelings during such situations were very complex, hysteria-like. When someting similiar happened, I'd cover my head and press myself against the floor, I'd scream loudly and aggresively, or I'd move fastly around the room.
In preschool, because of the same reasons I mentioned above, I wanted to go home every day, and so I've been taken home often. When I started school, I wanted to stay home as well since I was even afraid to go asleep and then start another day, I started imagining all the people,everything in school.. I wouldn't fall asleep until I decided that I won't be attending school tomorrow. I enjoyed studying on my own much more than in a big room with people in it, in different places in an unorganized pattern, now that I think of it, it bothered me inside. I also couldn't go to school if I felt differently than usual,or when I couldn't do my usual routine. I "felt differently" whenever I'd start getting ill, whenever I had a little more than usual congestion in my nose, or if I had swollen tonsils(happened almost every day to me, I was never in good health- I also have a very weak immune system). Whenever I'd get seriously sick, I'd be very anxious about going to school again, as it would be another change for me, a change in my "new" everyday life.
I never analyzed my thoughts the way I did now. My head would always feel kind-of blank, often confused (in social situations) but I wouldn't ask what it really meant when I got confused by the dialogue. I was just pressing all my feelings down. I still get this empty-head feelings unless I'm doing a certain thing that my certain logical mind is good at - music and physics. Then I feel great, and especially maths is a "friend" of mine- I feel as if numbers are supporting me, they're opening up into something new, I like how fast I process these thoughts. I also have visual memory. I remember the exact pages and pictures from the books I've read or whatever our teacher showed us, and I remember it for years.
I planned on writing more- about my stimming (when I have meltdowns or get excited, I either pace or flap my hands, and I don't notice it most of the time. About my "own world" - it is like an intensive version of daydreaming to me- but switched off almost completely from the reality/surroundings. Or how I understand everything literally and that I'm happy I figured out it was the main cause of the confusion and unpleasant situations in converastions with people..
edit: I'll add additional info tomorrow
I'll stop here. You can ask me or share your own thoughts.. I'm happy to be on here. Thank you very much for reading this post!!
Last edited by esh on 03 Jan 2011, 9:00 pm, edited 3 times in total.
03 Jan 2011, 6:17 pm
It's a great place. I've been here three days, and I love it.
