Am I "Home" yet?

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Hello. I am a 32 yo female, self-diagnosed on the Autism spectrum. The signs fit me so well, (particularly me as a child - holy hell!), that getting an official diagnosis seems redundant. What is the benefit of going through that process?

Well, I am just so relieved to finally have an answer. I've been searching my whole life, trying to figure out what's "wrong" with me. I would never have thought to look into Autism, but my son is going through the long process of being diagnosed. The more I've learned about it, the more I see myself. Here is an excerpt from my journal, the day after it sunk in:

"It fits. It fits so well, I am astounded that no one ever saw it. My parents could not be expected to suspect. They had the same feeling that I did about my son - noticing that something was different, but not being able to place it beyond having an unusual personality. (Though they did come up with a lot of strange excuses for my behaviours.) But what about the university preschool I attended? I sat all by myself, day after day, tearing up little bits of paper and leaving the piles wherever I went, talking with a North Eastern accent so strong that no one could understand me - even my parents - when I had never even been to New England. I freaked out over the slightest disturbances, randomly screaming even when no one was around me. Teachers and relatives described me as "marching to the beat of her own drummer". I was this strange child with tics and weird twisting motions with my hands, shoulders, and toes. I had epic meltdowns over clothing - mom could only dress me in the most comfy of sweats. Jeans would turn me into a shrieking tasmanian devil. I was famous for my sensitivity to noise... things that other people enjoyed brought me pain. I wasn't able to communicate my feelings or ideas. I wandered away - constantly. I broke into running fits. People thought I was deaf, because I seldom responded to my name. I never knew what was going on around me, no matter how much people tried to get my attention. I honed in on objects, either fiddling with things like compulsively tying knots, or just staring... staring at a point on the wall, lost in my own world. I was not an affectionate little girl. They used to make me give hugs, but it didn't come natural. I freaked out and self-mutilated - especially when I was alone. I couldn't be beaten into 'good behaviour', no matter how much I knew it would hurt. I just... couldn't change."

Sorry for the wall-of-text, there.

I used to stare out the window at night, looking up at the stars. I just wanted to go "home". To where people understood me. The longing was so deep. I was certain that, someday, someone would come along and take me back. Tell me this had all been a terrible mistake. It's so fitting that this site is called WrongPlanet. It couldn't be better named.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, fellow aliens and sojourners.
I'm glad to be here.

Yeah, sounds like you've "arrived".

Welcome, pull up a chair, relax.

Welcome home!

Nice to meet you, Tympani - and welcome greetings to the Wrong Planet neighborhood.

Hi Tympani,
I'm also new here & I'm self-diagnosed too. I have Asperger's.

Life was hard when I was a kid or a teen. I experienced the worst bulling when I was 7, and later when was 14; during those "worst times" I experienced physical violence from my peers. I didn't complete college because I felt so broken by being unable to make any friends, so I withdrew from school, Later, I was losing job after job. Sometimes it was my fault, sometimes not.
I moved to the US years ago and surprisingly I began doing much better. I think I tried harder. I completed two year degree at college & I have had the same job for more than 5 years. I have no friends, live with parents. Nobody knows about my self-diagnosis, but my mother.
I pretend to be normal, but it's so exhausting. Everywhere I go I'm considered a very strange person. I'm clumsy, I don't know what to say in the simplest social situations, I never look at people's eyes. Most of the time I'm overwhelmed by situation. I cannot remember faces, this one is really embarrassing. My mother told me that she and other family members always knew I was different and there was something wrong with me. My family was relieved that at least academically I didn't perform that bad.
I 'm a very average Aspie. I have heard about those really bright, sometimes very gifted Alpies. I have all the problems related to Asperger but I get no benefits. Oh well.
I've been lurking for a while, now I'm here too.

I hope I didn't hijacked the thread. Sorry.

Tympani, you described your feelings and experiences from childhood so well. I couldn't do it.
Again, it's nice to meet you.

PS: Sorry for my English, it's my second language.

Welcome!

Thank you all for the welcome! I feel quite at home here, already.

Infrared, thank you for such an open and understanding response. I hear you on the bullying and feeling "broken". It's so much to go through. I think that we who have survived should feel proud! Look how far you've come! I don't have genius abilities, either, though I test above average. But I haven't finished college, yet. It's more what we do with what we have that is important. I will be so proud of my degree when I finally earn it. I think you should be, too.

Thank you for sharing. I see no hijacks, here.