Hello:) I think I might belong to this planet, maybe? :)

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Hello everyone

I feel a bit funny posting here because I am still in the process of debating whether or not I have Asperger's... I hate the idea of posting as part of this community and come across as some sort of "try hard" lol

I have been researching both the more "clinical" definitions of Asperger's as well as the stuff that is not as well known, including getting to the heart of the matter by reading a lot of posts on this forum (always best to go straight to the real people to understand I find)

The more I have read the more I have a mixed reaction of finally not feeling like I have something "wrong" with me (there are other people out there who appear to be very similar to me!) as well as a strange sense of fear about it all. It is mainly a "Wow, that is just like me!" reaction lol

I am going to pursue an official diagnosis, as hard as it can be - I am a female and 30yo - as I feel uncomfortable being a "self-diagnosed" aspie.

Soooo many things fit me though!

I have ALWAYS felt like an outsider in this World! As a kid I was always on the outskirts, I HATED social things - ballet, Brownies, lots of things! I was always off in my own World and never knew how to "fit in" with others.

I have, however, always had one close friend.

I find the idea of "not being able to make friends easily" a weird one - to be honest, I don't WANT to make many friends!! ! I have one best friend, and one other main friend (and I believe my best friend is actually an Aspie also - we are sooo similar, and we are a rock for each other. We make each other feel "normal" when we always feel so different to everyone else).

I keep myself distant from most people. I just don't enjoy interacting with others. I do it if I have to, but that's all. I am very scared of doing the "wrong thing" and it occupies a LOT of my thoughts and governs most of my social actions.

The "special interest" thing for me is interesting... I actually feel as though my "special interest" is in understanding myself and others! I have dedicated a LOT of time and energy into this. I have TONNES of Self-help books, I learn about how to be a better person constantly, I have always enjoyed finding a safe place in a room somewhere and just watching how people interact. I love Big Brother coz I get to watch people interact AND learn about what they are thinking about and why they do what they do.

I am always coming up with theories about why people do what they do. Someone a few weeks ago got angry at me for "always talking in theories and like I am speaking from a textbook". That really threw me and made me angry, but now I have to wonder...

My partner's Son is diagnosed an Aspie, and my partner believes he is one too. When I googled it to learn more about, I said to him "this stuff all seems perfectly normal to me" - he then laughed and said he actually thought I have it too.

I did the rdos aspie quiz and got 149 out of 200 for Aspie. I did the BAP one and got 106 aloof, 115 rigid, and 81 pragmatic. I did the AQ test and got 35. I am an extreme systemiser (much to my surprise!! ! I always thought I was good with empathy, tho then I remembered reading Emotional Intelligence thinking I was good at it and much to my shock learnt that I wasn't!). My EIQ was poor, waah Subscale IQ = 77, Subscale percentile 6. I got 26 for HSP. But I did really well for the face recognition test, but I thought that that one was stupid to be honest - any intelligent person could work that out based on the other answers.

I am quite smart. I get very impatient in the fact that I want to get from point A to point B NOW, and just quit something if I can't (as in, mastering a skill, or achieving a goal).

Photos of me as a kid in social things always show me on the outer, looking confused and sad. I cringe when I remember my childhood - I really had no idea! It was so hard.

I am very sensitive to taste and smell in particular, and sight too - I HAVE to wear sunglasses at the beach or I literally cannot see!

When looking at that chart for female Aspies I identified with almost all of it. I used to not care abot fashion, and used to dress quite like a tomboy, until I started a job as a dancer and hence HAD to learn QUICKLY how to be very feminine. And no, I am NOT good at dancing - quite unco really lol It is actually an, ahem, exotic dancer job, so you can make up your own, slow, dance moves. I have STRUGGLED at this job for ages. You have to be able to approach strangers all the time and initiate a convo and sell them a dance. I HATE that part - I can't do it properly, and I can't wait to quit it very soon!! !!

I don't do eye contact apart from with my close friends and family. I saw someone describe it once that it felt like you are "touching" someone - I get that feeling too and I can't stand it.

I HATE a sudden change in plans. I had MAJOR arguments with my ex over stuff like that. I put a lot of time and effort into creating the "perfect plan" (yes, I have to plan stuff before it happens) and when something goes wrong, I just totally lose it and can't shift to a plan B at all, it sux

I am fairly rigid in my thinking. Stubborn, inflexible, you name it. I have my opinion and that is the RIGHT opinion. I have my rules about stuff you can and can't do, and that's that. I am very good at arguing my case lol

I get obsessed with stuff. It's almost comforting - to just immerse myself in finding out everything I can about a particular subject, and everything else just gets dropped while I am in the pursuit of inhaling knowledge about something. I am an expert on pregnancy and trying to conceive. I just wish I could get books on sooo many things (namely self development) and just inhale the information quickly without having to actually sit there and read it. I want to know it NOW lol

In a social situation, I get soooo overwhelmed with "rules", and sounds, and lights, and noises, and decisions (don't get me started on decisions lol), that by the time I get home I am completely and utterly exhausted and drained for aaages.

I have often had people come up to me and say "smile". I hate that!! I heard that is also something - in that I have this "empty" face I assume.

I speak with a very "proper" accent. People often think I am English (I am Australian). I am a grammar and spelling freak also.

I'm not so sure about the stimming. I don't hand flap or spin or rock. I do, however, HAVE to fidget!! Especially when in a social situation. And I am very comfored by eating a packet of chips - I have always said that I love the motion of just reaching for the food over and over again, as well as the taste and crunch. I like to watch movies and TV because it SHUTS MY BRAIN OFF for a while. I also have trouble sleeping for that reason.

If I could just live at home on the couch, watching dvds, with my internet and google (love my google lol) and my close family and friends only, I would be a happy woman

Due to my interest in learning social behaviour, however, I have learnt many coping mechanisms. So much to the point that everyone thinks I am this confident, got-it-together woman! I never know who they are talking about lol I am good at masking my inner world. Doesn't mean I don't have one. And I think being clever just means you are more successful at it. My best friend and I have ALWAYS spent most of our discussion time discussing certain social events and whether we did the right thing, or someone else did the right thing. We would analyse them to death lol

I have always been chasing happiness too. Yet, at home in my own world, I feel happy

Anyway, that is too much yet still not even everything lol If you got this far, I commend you.

Thank you for reading, and please feel free to post any thoughts (that would be nice in fact ). Namely, do you really think I could have it? It would certainly explain a lot for me, anyway. I have never understand what was "wrong" with me and why I can't just be HAPPY/NORMAL like everyone else. I have told a couple of people and they all think I am being silly... because they know someone with Asperger's and I am "not like them". Frustrating.

Liz

Welcome to the Wrong Planet community, Liz.

Welcome!

Welcome!

Hello.

Welcome to WP!

Hi,

Welcome to WP.

I am a 34 yr old woman from the UK and I could have wrote your post word for word almost

I am a self diagnosed Aspie ( I agree a dx is helpful but I wouldn't know how to go about getting one in my area)

I drive people nuts talking about my human observation theories- it's always been a special interest of mine too, although I recently am starting to realise there are some human behaviours you just cannot logically analyse and you will tie yourself in knots trying to do so.

Good luck with seeking a dx, I hope you get some answers.

Welcome to Wrong PLanet.

Welcome to Wrongplanet, I'm from mars....

Welcome to WP; I'm from Mars, too.

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To WrongPlanet!! !

Hello

Exotic dancer?

I'll pay you for just one real "you & me" dance (if your partner doesn't mind) ... and I promise no convo.

i just joined myself feel the exact same